Reali-TEA Check

Here I Am Again.

2010-07-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start blogging more often.

I used to blog all the time, and now my posts are few and far between.

I've spent the last 2 and a half months visiting my boyfriend (Jacob<3) in Texas. It was a great experience. I became closer to him than I've ever been with a boyfriend (or basically anyone else for that matter). It was rough at different points...I've never lived with anyone outside of my family for so long or been so comfortable with someone. Both Jacob and I are extremely passionate people...which is great in a relationship....until it comes to arguments. Naturally, there was a lot of fighting involved, haha =) But now we know and love each other better than ever.

A few things I've learned about my boyfriend this summer:

1) He likes to explain things thoroughly.

2) He likes to be sufficiently caffeinated at all times.

3) He LOVES sleeping in. (I HATE sleeping in. Needless to say, this was a point of discord between us often.)

4) He likes to try new combinations of food and drink. And he's very good at it =) He makes plain foods very tasty just by adding a little something extra to it...usually something you wouldn't expect.

5) He's extremely strong-willed and likes to have his way. (I am also very strong-willed and like to have my way. Another point of discord.)

6) When he can't find the word he wants, he makes a really cute face, yells something hilarious, and runs away like a little boy =P

7) He used to smoke like a chimney...But he's quitting, and I'm VERY proud of him for that =)

8) He's good at writing.

9) He's a very talented musician.

10) He likes to play his music LOUDLY; and that's not all. The majority of the music he listens to is loud anyway. This irritates me to no end.

11) He's very protective, which I love.

12) He's extremely funny, and says the most random things!

13) He has very attractive muscles...

14) He likes to call me 'honey child'=)

I've learned a lot more about him than just these things...but these are the first things that came to mind =) Basically, I love that boy VERY much, and I miss him all the time...

A few other things that are going on in my life...

In August, I'm starting college. I'm very excited about this for many reasons. It gives me a lot of independence, it gives me something to work on/work towards, and it's just exciting in general! College life is something I've been looking forward to for years. And the school I'll be attending always has a lot of really neat, artsy activities on campus. When I was about 15, I attended a Chinese New Year's dinner they hosted on campus =) Those are the kinds of things I can't wait for. This semester, I'll be taking Economics, Biology, Math, Art, and Philosophy.

There is also a sense of pride that comes with going to college. My family is proud of me, for one. But also, I've always felt (perhaps irrationally) that people think I'm going to throw my life away. By going to college, I sort of feel like I'm winning an unspoken battle that I've been fighting to prove that I won't settle for mediocrity...that I won't act only on impulse and go live in a tent somewhere because I just don't feel like pursuing anything=) It's just a good feeling to know that all those people who were making assumptions about me (and I promise...there were a lot of assumptions made about me when I decided to go to Texas for the summer) have been proven wrong, and I'm on a different road than they thought I would be.

I've been EXTREMELY blessed to receive the promise scholarship. This is one thing that is NOT a point of pride for me. I give the credit for this accomplishment DIRECTLY to God. I took the ACT 3 times before I finally got my scores up to requirements for the scholarship. The night before I took the test (on the very last test date the promise scholarship office would accept my scores), I stayed up way too late. I woke up the next morning feeling cruddy, headed to the school, expecting it to be a waste of time because I'd hardly studied for it at all. During the test I felt drained and wasn't even able to finish the sections for my best subjects (English and Reading). After the test, I left the school thinking 'Well, at least I tried'. I was shocked and ecstatic 3 weeks later when I checked my scores online and found that I was eligible to receive the promise scholarship! I ran around Jacob's room jumping for joy and squealing as quietly as I could without waking his parents...

I definitely believe it was God, and God only. I didn't do a THING to better my score, and my math score matched the requirement exactly...Not one point higher or lower. It is because of this miracle (it really was a miracle) that I know I'm doing the right thing by going to college. God wanted me to do this, and He paved the way. He prompted me along this road, and He's provided for me. I can't thank him enough!

Because of this scholarship (along with the two government grants I'm receiving), I have more than enough, and will be receiving a refund check from the school that will allow me to buy my books, and hopefully a cheap car.

So, basically...I'm amazed. I don't serve God the way I should, and yet He ceaselessly shows me His amazing love and divine providence with every breath I take. What can I say? Not one of us deserves Him.

I don't really know what else to say. Now that I'm writing about it, I'm in awe once again.

I hope this blog has been a sufficient update for anyone that happens to be interested in reading =)

There is...

2009-12-06T19:18:00.001-08:00

I was on facebook just now, and I happened to look up in the URL bar and see, hidden within the code, 'thereisatimeforeverything'. If I clicked around on facebook from there, the message stayed. If I went to another site and came back, the message was gone.

I don't know why the message was there, or what it has to do with facebook, but as far as I'm concerned, it was there for a reason.

I decided to post about it so that if the message was for any of you, I could be the one to deliver it.

There is a time for everything.

some day over the rainbow

2009-11-30T06:52:00.001-08:00

I've almost 'forgotten'. It's been hard of course, but I'm really happy again; making plans, looking forward to life, meeting new people and making new relationships...

I feel like I've taken back a piece of me that others have stolen. God is faithful, and He's helped me reclaim the joy that I let different situations take from me.

It's a beautiful thing to let go. It truly is. I don't think that to let go, you have to be happy every day or never think about your hurts (although it is preferable). I think letting go may be more about action. Actually, literally moving on. Going places. Doing things.

Even more than that, it's about just GIVING it away. I think that deep down people know that, and that's why when we're hurt we feel the need to talk about it. Or, at least I do. When something traumatic happens to me, or something is hurting me, I don't want to broadcast it or anything, but I do tell all my closest friends, and go over and over it with them...dissecting the situation and digging up all those feelings. It's not healthy. But I think the reason I do that is because I'm trying to give it away. Somehow I feel like if I can give it to a friend, it won't be my burden anymore. But as much as my friends may sympathize and help me through a situation, my hurts will never be entirely theirs. All the talk in the world will not change that.

I finally started to heal when I realized that God was the only one truly willing to take them from me...And He has. I'll admit that it's a chore. It's so easy to take back the pain that I believe to be mine. But when I trust Him with everything, including my hurts, He does NOT let me down. Now that all the pain of the past is no longer cluttering up my heart and mind, He has stepped in and showed me the next step. I finally let go of my fears and worries, and THAT'S when he presented a solution. He finally gave me an option that I feel at peace with...one that seems to be perfect.

Um. I don't really know what this blog is about. Moving on, I guess? He's just done some wonderful things in my life, and I think He's about to move in an amazing way.

I give BLOOD to prove to MYSELF that I can MATTER TO SOMEBODY ELSE!!!!!!!

2009-11-03T21:26:00.000-08:00

I gave blood today!!! It was very exciting. I got a sticker and everything! =)

Actually, I'm going to be honest here. It was not exciting. It was extremely terrifying and nerve wracking. I don't know whether to feel proud of myself for facing my fears, or ashamed for whining so much about doing a 'good deed'...But either way, I was scared.

The main reason I did it was for the experience of it. I've wanted to give blood for awhile now...It seemed like such an easy way to make a real, valid difference; so I always said that if I had the opportunity, I would. Naturally, when there was a blood drive at my school today, it was kind of a no-brainer.

When I wandered up to the stand to sign up, the lady was kind of pushy about it. I quickly learned that I didn't like her that much when she told me that the mole under my nose might be worth getting lasered off. But anyway, that's irrelevant.

After signing up, I went into a cubicle with one of the nurses and she asked me for my basic information, then pricked my finger to check my iron. Then I had to answer tons of questions about what kind of medication I take (I take vitamins and allergy medication if I can even remember to take those), what kind of diseased people I've had sex with (none), and what foreign countries I've been to within the last 8 billion years (unfortunately, none). After a small snag in the process due to my description of a slight heart 'flutter' I get every once in awhile when asked whether or not I have a heart condition, I was approved and taken to a table.

The nurse rubbed iodine on me for the longest 60 seconds of my life, and then put the needle in. At first it wasn't that bad, but then it started to hurt a little bit. Then I looked at the tube carrying the blood away from my body, which freaked me out a lot...I just laid there breathing hard and staring at the ceiling for most of the time that I was on the table. They told me that most people relax while they are giving blood, but I did not. That's probably just me though...I am extremely scared of sharp objects, and I had gotten myself niiiiiiice and tense beforehand.

Fortunately, the lady who signed me in (the one who commented on my mole) came over and started talking to me and distracting me. She did this until I had given a full pint. Finally, I was finished. They took the needle out of my arm and told me to sit up slowly. I was dizzy, and they walked me over to the snack table they had set up and gave me some gatorade and cookies. It was nice=)

I felt pretty good when I went to my next class, but the effects of the blood loss kicked in a little bit later when I started feeling sluggish and lightheaded...sort of like I do when I have low blood sugar. By the end of my third class though, I was feeling better...except that Lisbeth decided to RIP my bandaid off violently (which horrified my psychology professor! she made an example out of this later in class when she was talking about differences in personality), causing me to yell. Haha!

Anyway...Overall it was a very good experience, and I'm extremely glad I did it. I mean, a little temporary discomfort is totally worth potentially saving a life, don't you think? As much as I've complained about it, I am so glad I did it and will probably do it again if I'm given the chance. I highly recommend it. This could be the first time I've ever felt that someone has really needed me and I've been able to help them...and just by laying on a stretcher for 5 minutes! What an easy way to make a difference.

Update.

2009-10-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing...I'm bored and stir crazy, and lots has happened, kinda sorta. So I was thinking I would give you guys an update!

I started school back in August. College has been interesting. I have learned all about the joys and sorrows of the institution; although when I think of it they have mostly been sorrows, I guess. I really don't like my English professor, math has gotten pointless (when will I EVER need to know all this in real life??), and school in general is just stressful. Besides that, I haven't met anyone here that I can truly call a friend or who has made a lasting impact on me. I'm so thankful to be here...really, I am. Having this kind of education is a blessing and I know it could really help me later in life. But it has really made me question my preconceived notions about education and made me think harder about where I want my life to go from here. I'm not even sure that I definitely want to go to college anymore, to be honest. We'll just have to see! I know I won't be a failure if I willingly decide to do something else. My main concern is that society will not see my decision in the same way=/

Other than that, I have started becoming closer to God. After a very angry-with-God period in my life a few years ago, I came back to Him, fell completely in love and decided never to be angry at Him again, even if I didn't understand Him. And for the most part, I've stuck to that decision. He can be very irritating with His sporadic whims on occasion, but I trust that it's all in His perfect plan now. Although my love for God never went away completely, these past couple years I've been pretty indifferent to Him. I guess that was because things started getting really nice in my life; everything just fell into place. I was meeting new people, making new friends, falling in love...I was just kind of like, "Thanks for the help God, I can take it from here!"

Turns out I was wrong about that. My life TOTALLY fell apart, and even then I tried to play it cool with God, like I didn't need Him or something. What can I say? You live and you learn. It got to the point where I was sobbing one night and I knew it was either kill myself, become extremely bitter, or just admit that I couldn't do it alone. The last option seemed the best to me! Sooo. Here I am! I'll admit that God and I are still working on things...and just like in any relationship, we always will be! But I love Him, and He loves me. And that is what matters.

I have also realized lately that I have become extremely anti-social. Don't get me wrong...I have friends...like, 3 of them (in my immediate vicinity that is). HAHA! But seriously...Between work, school, and my complete and utter lack of interest in the rest of the human race, my social life has become totally stagnant. I wouldn't say that this makes me a loser, because it is completely by choice. I have had people want to hang out with me or want me to call them or whatever...you know, try to break the ice. But it usually either weirds me out or I find myself thinking that they are probably not really interested in me and just want to take advantage of me somehow. I know my attitude towards people isn't healthy, and these past few days I've discovered that as safe as this lifestyle is, it's very lonely. I've decided to start trying a little harder where friendships are concerned. Maybe I need people a little more than I think I do.

But I don't know where to start=/

Anyway...there's a brief update. Things are definitely looking up for me. I'm not dwelling as much on the past, and I'm not dwelling too much on the future either. I think I've found a pretty nice balance=)

Let me know how you guys are doing!

Left, Left, Left, Right, Left.

2009-09-07T21:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I can't take life.

I can't take the pain of the past. I can't take the decisions I have to make for the future. I can't take the monotony of the present. I feel like my life is nothing. And I feel like my future is nothing.

Then I remember that life is happening now.

I'm looking at my Psychology textbook right now. I've been reading it. I've been studying it. I've been working hard to absorb all the information in it. I've been doing the same with the rest of my schoolwork as well. I've been working hard at my job and saving money. I've been getting organized and prepared and signing up for tests and applying to colleges and considering my options and thinking about what I want to do.

All of this is life.

Time marches blindly on; ignoring my pain, ignoring the fact that I'm going with it, kicking and screaming, clinging to anything that will at least provide the illusion that it's standing still and not moving on without me.

Time marches blindly on...but I'm so happy that I'm at least making use of it. I don't feel quite as useless when I do this.

ColorQuiz

2009-08-15T16:51:00.001-07:00

As always...very accurate. This is pretty amazing.

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

""Looking to make a good impression and be recogniz..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

after a certain point

2009-07-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

Feelings just get repetitive.

Putting yourself out there will only get you so far.

The only thing to do now is accept what I cannot change...

And wish I didn't have to.

you're in it.

2009-07-13T18:19:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about the different mindsets people live with. Particularly about whether they live in the past, present, or future.

So much of the time people live in the past. They relive memories, nurse their grudges, and lick their wounds. I have been very guilty of this lately...I think about people in my past, and I wonder what went wrong. I try to figure it out and decide how I could have done things differently to get a different result. I wonder how our mutual past has affected them and if they ever think about the same things that I do...

But when living in the past becomes too painful, people often revert to instead dwelling on the future. They dream and plan their lives...imagine what they'll do when their lives finally begin, and stress about the idea that their lives never will begin. I am guilty of this as well. It eases my pain to think of how grand my life will be when I finally have a car...a new wardrobe...the perfect person for me to spend my time with.

I think dwelling mentally in the future is probably not as unhealthy as dwelling on the past...but I do think that there's a negative side to it.

I tend to dream about my life as it will one day be so much that I forget to enjoy my life as it is.

I watched 'P.S. - I Love You' today, and there's a line where the leading lady says to her husband, "I just get so scared sometimes that our life will never start!"

Her husband replies, "It's already started. We're in it. You've got to stop waiting, baby."

Later on, when he's gone, she misses that moment she had with him.

The irony of life is that we can miss a perfect moment from our past, but when that perfect moment was happening, we didn't realize it was perfect. In fact, during that perfect moment we were probably thinking about the future. Maybe we were even thinking, "I can't wait until I have more of what I have right now!"

We are determined to be constantly dissatisfied. The past was perfect...the future will be perfect...But we always despise the present.

I am trying to learn to 'be here now'. To live in the here and now; To make every moment its best, as cliche' as that may be.

But it's hard to find a good balance between living in the present and hoping for the future. I mean, we can make the present amazing, but we also want to make the future the best it can be. In order to do that we need to have some general goals. In order to make these goals, we have to dream a little...And we also have to let our goals and vision of the future influence the choices we make IN the present.

So how do you balance that?

I'm just tired of not enjoying my cup of coffee because I'm thinking about how great it will be when I can enjoy my cup of coffee in the autumn. Or not enjoying the friends I'm with because I miss my other friends. Or not feeling pretty NOW because I think I'll be prettier when I grow up.

I've finally realized that there's no great climax to life. No great spiritual or emotional crescendo will be reached because I've reached a goal. Even when I meet my goals, I'll have more goals. I'll have more problems to be solved. That's just how life is.

I think life is defined by those fleeting perfect moments rather than the great climax we're all waiting for...we just have to learn to really appreciate and live in this moments.

I've got to stop waiting for life to happen to me.

I just want to be here now.

the brighter the dawn (random)

2009-07-13T17:52:00.000-07:00

Some suggestions for feeling good:

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day
2. Exercise
3. Take vitamins, and St. John's Wort
4. Never dwell
5. Get rid of music that makes you sad...
Even if you like it
6. DO listen to jazz!

Simple, eh? It's been working for me...

I started my job at Kohl's today. This is my first job in a big corporation...everywhere else I've worked has either been a family owned business or a small chain consisting of about 3 restaurants. In order to start my job at Kohl's I've had to fill out lots of paperwork (I don't even know how many times I've had to write my name in the last week!) as well as complete an orientation, read a handbook, and I still have to be trained on the register...

But today I was trained to work in the Junior department. Basically, a bunch of new clothes had come in on a shipping truck and so I was helping stock them all. I stayed busy, but I actually rather liked it, because all day I got to shop while I worked=D It was pretty awesome! And at the end of the day, one of the women I worked with told the 'big boss' that I had done an awesome job=) It made me very happy. Oh! And I learned how to get my locker to open, FINALLY. Haha.

Even though it was my first day, I get the impression that most of the time it will be a pretty low key job...No lunch rushes...No one sending their steaming hot food back and burning my hand or grabbing my arm and speaking to me in a condescending tone for being late to bring them their coffee...No serving tables full of chauvinistic men who feel it is their duty to harrass me. Sure, where you're dealing with people, you're going to have those types, and you're going to have certain problems, but there is nothing as bad as working in the food industry. I am just so thankful to have this job! It's insane...The most ideal place I could have worked was the only one to offer me a job...I'm really very glad that the others never did call!

Life is good. It always works out in the end...
It's true. The darker the night, the brighter the dawn. I feel like I'm entering the dawn right now!

What now? Hmm...

Dunno Why I Stopped.

2009-07-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

I miss blogspot=)

So here I am.

Let me know how you all have been! I'm going to start writing again...

bittersweet.

2009-04-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Nothing is without pain.

Nothing.

When life is at its best, it's only because you've given up a lot of things that cause you pain in order to get to that place...Yet, the giving up itself is painful because even though those things hurt you, you were attached to them.

My family and I are at a place in our lives that can only be described as bittersweet.

All of us have given up so much recently. I don't say that so that I can appear to be some sacrificial martyr...The things my family and I have given up have not been our choice. Life has given us some hard knocks lately.

We came from a bad situation into a good one...a much more healthy one. Every day I felt sick in the head before. I used to wonder if life would ever be normal for me and if I was screwed up for good...If I would always be mean and ruthless. I'd feel ashamed when I thought of people I knew and what they would think if they knew how I really lived and how I treated my family...If they knew what I knew and didn't want to know. I wondered if they'd still love me if they knew my secrets.

Now I feel free. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am far away from that situation...from that house...from that state of mind. And I am so happy! When you're living in it, you don't even realize how oppressive it is. I felt like everything was closed off and I was destined to lead one kind of life. Now I feel as if the whole world is opened up to me...even if it takes awhile, I can take however much time I need because I'm not trying to run away from anything anymore. It's so liberating! Don't get me wrong...I have my moments, and so does the rest of my family. But it's nothing like it was.

Even this life has pain though. And surprisingly, the pain of this life is mostly associated with missing the old life. The good moments, and the knowledge that they'll never come again are so saddening to me. I try all the time to tell myself 'They happened...they may not happen again, but you will make more memories, and they'll be just as good.' But it's no use. I want those memories. I want those people. Even if I were to go back and live there now, it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't live in the same place. I'd have to pay for everything on my own. I'd have to grow up.

I don't know. I've entered a sort of depression lately. The major improvements in my life have been enough to keep me going, and to keep me optimistic...But certain things linger.

Even so, I am incessantly optimistic.

not too late to 'pologize.

2009-03-31T16:38:00.001-07:00

No one is above apology.

I'm tired of people who think they are.

...

2009-03-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

I don't understand people. I don't understand why they do the things they do.

cleopatra, queen of denial

2009-02-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

I'm remembering why I like denial so much.

I mean...I know it's supposed to be unhealthy to repress your feelings and pretend they're not there...

But I mean...can't it be useful?

It makes me think of that expression, 'Ignorance is Bliss'. When you're in denial, you can go on being happy and not thinking about the things in life that get you down. If you don't think about them, they don't bother you. You can go out in the sunshine and smile and move on. I mean, really move on. Bad feelings are still there, but they're not on the surface bothering you all the time.

And eventually, if you bury that feeling enough...if you keep squashing the little sucker down...It may just fade away and die without you realizing it. Before you know it, the painful truth isn't the truth anymore.

I mean...maybe denial is a good thing almost. Maybe the opposite of denial is dwelling on the past and wallowing in self-pity...

Or maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about.

my road not taken.

2009-01-31T13:24:00.000-08:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how life plays out.

Several things have led to these musings...the first being the amazing movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The movie, of course, is about a boy who is born an old man, and instead of aging year by year, he becomes younger and younger. It seems like a simple plot line, but when you look deeper, the movie deals with so many amazing and far-out concepts.

One of these was 'the butterfly effect'...the concept that every little tiny thing that happens in life...from answering a phone call to getting distracted by something small makes a difference in not only your life, but in the lives of everyone on the planet. We are all connected and our lives intertwine. You hear the phone ring as you're about to leave the house for work and decide to pause and answer it...someone else gets your cab. Because that person gets the cab first and is therefore not late for work, they are able to keep their job...and because you got the later cab, you show up to work a few minutes late but end up running into/meeting the love of your life (who you would have missed had you arrived a few seconds earlier) on the sidewalk outside.

It's mind-boggling to think about all the things that happen and how our lives are all connected. It's really actually beautiful...but it can make you paranoid if you think about it too much, because even though the examples I gave were positive, negative things happen in this manner, as well, and it's scary to realize that.

It makes you wonder what you've passed up because of small choices you've made.

I wonder what I've given up. Right now, I'm wondering if a choice I made kept people from ending up together. I can think of at least 5 people right off the top of my head that may have been significantly affected by a choice I made recently. Now, really, there's no way to know that things wouldn't have ended up the same way had I not made the choice I made, so I'll never know. Just as way leads on to way, one choice leads to another choice. There is never truly a way to get back to the original choice once other people's lives have been affected...so you can never go back and find out. Additionally, when you affect another person's life with a choice you make, you unwittingly send them down another path which will lead them to another path, thus taking them even further from the original situation as well.

I don't know if I'm making any sense...I've just been haunted by these thoughts lately.

randommmmmmmmm.

2009-01-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

I want everything to be new.

I want a new start. A new life. A new place.

I wish I'd been born a redhead.

I wish I lived in New York City.

I wish I could do 'casual'.

I wish I had something yellow to wear.

I wish I worked in a coffee shop and listened to 'A Fine Frenzy' all day every day (okay, maybe not all day everyday, but a lot).

I wish I had some hot tea.

I wish I could just leave everything behind and become someone completely new.

In fact...I wish I could just...change my name. To...Fiona. Or Isabella or something. Even though neither of those are particularly appealing to me...Isabella's better than Fiona though...maybe I'll go with that.

Awww damn. Things will be good again=)

8-O

2009-01-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

I'm really getting tired of people being creepy...I know some of you are like, lurking around my blog...Look in my sidebar. There should be a little counter there that tells me where you people are reading from. Now it's nice that you guys are reading, but only if it's because you're genuinely interested in the goings-on of my life and in my thoughts. I would just like to say that if you don't like me, get the hell off my blog and stop lurking around. I'm not kidding. If you don't like me, there is no need for you to be so interested in my personal life.

And another thing...if you don't like, me, get rid of me on your other accounts, too. I got an anonymous comment telling me (in much more rude words) that I was an insecure, fake bitch. I don't know who sent it...But honestly, if I don't have anything nice to say to someone, I don't say anything at all unless the situation calls for it or they confront me first. I don't think that's being fake...I think it's accentuating the good things. Now seeing as the comment was anonymous and assumptions are stupid, I'm not going to go around deleting the people I think may have said it, but if you're reading this, I advise you to go ahead and delete me, since you obviously don't like me.

Back the hell off and get out of my life. Stop voyeuristically watching me and stop stalking my things. It's c-r-e-e-p-y.

For those of you who like me and actually have an interest in my life...carry on=) And sorry for this blog. I'm just a little irritated right now.

intothebrainandontotheblog.

2009-01-15T16:24:00.001-08:00

I was talking to my friend Devan earlier today.

After a short while of talking, I realized that I have reached the most confusing point in my life as of yet. I mean, this past year takes the cake for confusing times. It wins hands down. Out of every confusing and frustrating time in my entire life before now, this past year absolutely tops everything else.

And I never do anything to make things less confusing for myself. I go after what I want right now...in the moment. I don't think about the future.

It could be considered a good thing...At least by those people who say "Don't worry about anything, live for today" bla bla bla...But when I do that, today is miserable because I know that by living for today I wreck tomorrow.

The dating game is a tough one to play.

Why is it so addicting?

People get burned over and over and yet they offer themselves up to be burned once again...Or at least to burn others.

They are masochists.

I am a masochist=D

Anyone got any wisdom for me?

amazazing!

2009-01-04T10:15:00.001-08:00

I rode with my friend Elishah to a Bible Study I attend yesterday, and we had a very interesting discussion.

Elishah is the kind of person that can make conversation out of nothing...It's a gift and an art form with her. I hadn't been in the car but a minute when suddenly I was being informed of all the events taking place in every museum in our city within the next month=D

Among these events, there was included a chocolate tasting at our local civic center. The admission is $10, and chefs from all over the city are going to bring chocolate pastries and delicacies of all kinds for people to try...

Naturally, being a chocolate-lover, I automatically said, "Let's plan something!" Haha.

After this, something occurred to me, which Elishah and I spent the rest of the ride talking about.

People are always complaining of boredom. They are tired of doing the same old same old. Watching movies and going bowling is fun, but it's not new or exciting. Yet we consistently do these things over and over as if there is nothing else to do in life. As Elishah put it, "We pay to have our creativity taken away from us."

But there are so many new and interesting things to do right under our noses! There are so many opportunities and fun things to do if we simply use our imaginations and utilize the opportunities we're given!

A chocolate tasting. So random. So out of the ordinary in the way of things we do to kill boredom. It's perfect!

And there are things like this to do ALL the time! All we really have to do is look a little deeper than what movies are playing at the moment.

And honestly, we don't even need money to do some things. All we need is a little creativity and ingenuity.

Here are some of the things to do that Elishah and I came up with:

* A painting party - Obviously, a get together where all of those invited paint;-)

* Everyone goes to the library and draws another person's name from a hat, then picks out a book for that person to read. Then, everyone goes to a park and reads to the group excerpts from the book that was chosen for them.

* A random picnic out by the highway.

* A random photo shoot in all of our favorite spots downtown.

* A walk by candlelight.

* A walk through a rose garden.

* A walk in the rain.

* Go watch a choir performance, or a jazz ensemble, or a play!

Life doesn't have to be boring! We let it get that way by not utilizing the opportunities in front of us, and by not allowing our creativity to help us come up with something to do besides sitting down in a dark room on your rump for hours.

I plan to do a lot more random, sporatic, and amazingly fun things this year! 2009 is going to be a good one, I think;-)

in 2008, I :

2008-12-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

* Learned to drive.

* Learned to perform efficiently in a stressful environment.

* Learned that I can do a lot more than I think I can.

* Learned how to cut the crap and be a jerk to guys if need be.

* Learned to say no...sorta.

* Became a fan of techno/rap/pop/other kinds of music I never thought I'd listen to in a million years.

* Fell for him - thus proving that I can fall.

* Put myself out there more than I have in years.

* Got hurt more than I have in years.

* Learned many invaluable lessons that I am incredibly grateful for.

* Made some of the best memories of my life.

* Made up my mind to live in Italy for at least a little while.

* Made up my mind to go to New York City.

* Made up my mind to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...in person.

* Wrote poetry.

* Discovered that I have WAY more talent and brains than I utilize.

* Resolved to utilize my talent and brains a hell of a lot more than I do.

* Learned to stop and take in the moment. 'Smell the roses', ifou will.

* Got rid of a stalker.

* Got rid of several potential stalkers.

* Got someone fired from their job=D (Not on purpose, and I grin because they deserved it).

* Discovered my secret turn-on (not like that...just something I tend to be attracted to) and it turns out I wish I didn't like it so much=(

* Learned WAAAAAAY too much about astrology and know the birthdays of basically everyone...celebrities included. Be afraid.

* Learned that I suck at giving gifts.

* Learned that I am a verbal monster, and I can slay you with my words.

* Discovered the magic of poppyseed dressing.

* Became even more obsessed with sushi.

* Developed healthier habits...sorta.

* Discovered Russell Brand;-)

Welcome 2009. Please be on your best behavior. I can't take another year like this one.

hug a little tighter.

2008-12-21T18:20:00.000-08:00

My Great-Grandma died today.

I didn't know her that well, honestly...but I know that what I did know of her was amazing.

She recently celebrated her 95th birthday, and she was fiery up until the end! I remember talking to her at my grandmother's kitchen table and listening to her tell a story about a boy that had lifted her over his shoulders and carried her up a set of stairs when she was about my age.

And let me tell you...she was as pissed off as if this 'shameful' event had taken place just the day before! She did an impression of how she had slapped him and her eyes narrowed as she remembered it.

Just this year she told her daughter she was thinking of getting married again=)

The last time I saw her, I had no inkling that it would be the last time I'd see her again. Maybe I'd have hugged her a little tighter or said goodbye more sincerely. Maybe I would have said 'I love you'.

I don't have regrets about my relationship with her, because I spent as much time as I could talking to her and getting to know her...

But things like this just get you thinking about the fragility of life. My great grandmother was very old...It is sad when an elderly person dies, but it can't be said that she didn't live a good, long life. However, death is hanging over us all the time. It's so easy to get caught up in all the small, petty things in life and forget that we ought to be making the most of every moment.

We ought not to be holding back. We ought to be letting our loved ones know just how loved they are...We ought to be seeing all the things we want to see, and doing all the things we want to do. We ought to be forgetting our insecurities and being the best we can be. We ought to be making our mark instead of letting life happen to us.

We are never guaranteed anything in this life. Every breath is a gift.

You never know for sure when you see someone that it won't be the last time you see them again.

So let go. Tell them how you feel...

And hug a little tighter.

LOL.

2008-11-26T10:45:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

seventeen.

2008-11-17T18:23:00.000-08:00

I think I've decided that 17 is the most terrifying age EVER.

Maybe 18 is scarier, but I haven't been there yet.

But I'm right at the age where I feel so extremely young and unprepared for the decisions I have to make...But I know I have to make them.

I know that I am capable of making these decisions and of changing anything I want to change in my life...I know I'm capable of moving forward and being what I want to be...I KNOW that I can do it. I know that I have to.

But uncharted territory is always scary for me...for anyone, I guess.

The one thing I need right now is to know that I have support. Please. The one thing I know is that I have to have your support, your permission to move forward. Your permission to take my life in the direction I choose, even if it's not the direction you would choose for me...and trust that if it's the wrong decision, I'm smart enough to realize it with time. I love you so much...I don't want to be away from you. I don't want to break away. I don't want to be apart from you. Separation from you is not what I'm looking for.

I promise to be there for you through your trials...Through whatever these months bring.

Please be there for me through mine. There are things I'm going to need to do to prepare for my own life that I'll need you there for. Please help me. I'm scared, but I feel like it's time for some changes.

I still haven't made my mind up 100%...I am just asking you please, please show me that you'll love me whatever I do...and that you'll trust me to take care of myself.

Don't be sad. Don't worry about it now. I love you very much.

the BS never really died.

2008-11-05T10:14:00.001-08:00

Since I knew who the presidential candidates were, I knew this would be an interesting election. Either way we would have a first, and a very important first at that...Either the first black man as president, or the first white woman as vice president.

I've been following the election semi-closely because of this...trying to watch the debates and such. I found it incredibly hard to decide which candidate I would vote for. Admittedly, it didn't truly matter who I supported, seeing as I'm five months shy of being able to vote, but it was good to explore some issues and work things out within myself anyway.

Before yesterday I had decided that if I had been able to vote, I would have voted for John McCain for several reasons...but mainly because he seemed the 'safer' way to go. While Obama captured my attention with his golden tongue and charismatic ways, I thought that as far as the country was concerned, we were better safe than sorry.

Yesterday, in the middle of the day however, my mind was almost changed simply because of the way I saw McCain supporters acting.

Yesterday, I experienced more prejudice and racism than I ever have before in my life.

When I lived up North, race was never an issue. I had heard of racism, but never seen it in action. I had never hated a black person and never truly met any African American that would give their race a bad name. Racism was just not apart of my reality.

Now that we live in the South, racism is a bit more relevant. I've seen it for the first time over these past couple years when I heard older people talking, but dismissed it as old southern talk and tried not to let it make me angry.

The things I heard yesterday though were absolutely atrocious.

I received a text message from one of my friends yesterday afternoon saying, "Polls show Obama in the early lead, but all that will change as soon as all the white people get off work!"

I was immediately offended. First of all, was this meant to say that black people don't work and that we're just waiting for all the good upstanding white citizens to get off work so that they can defeat the bums that voted when they didn't have anything better to do?

Second, is this meant to say that all black people are voting for Obama? Or that all white people are voting for McCain?

There were so many assumptions in that one message, I was infuriated. I thought racism was a thing of the past, especially with nice people like the friend that sent me the message!

Later on another acquaintance of mine made a comment about having a 'nigger president'. This of course, absolutely appalled me! I seriously did not think people still thought this way...Not even here in the South.

This time I confronted it and told the girl it was offensive. That didn't seem to make much of a difference...She just accused me of stalking her (nice defense mechanism right there...maybe I should try accusing people of stalking me whenever I get upset at them) and didn't seem remorseful at all about how disrespectful she had been. I'm still glad I said something though.

Honestly, this has me very upset. I truly thought racism was far behind us, you know?

Obama's politics may be off center, but that has nothing to do with the color of his skin whatsoever...And honestly, he seems like a very strong man who can handle the presidency, and I think he has earned his term.

I watched The View this morning. It really helped me realize what a victory this truly is for black people. Whoopi Goldberg was talking about how she had always known she was a citizen here, and that this was her home...But she said that last night she was struck with the feeling of being able to "Set my suitcase down, finally."

Another African American co-host on the show, Sherri Shepherd, cried when she talked about getting to tell her very young son that he could now do whatever he wanted to do or be whoever he wanted to be.

Another part of that show that struck me was a clip of Martin Luther King Jr.'s famous speech. Here is the same excerpt I heard on the show...

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal. "

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

To me, in light of the racism we see even today, hearing that speech again was very gripping.

I wish everyone could get along. I wish that there wasn't so much hate and racism everywhere, on both sides.

It's pure ignorance.

awhile back.

2008-10-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

I wrote this awhile ago. It's weird, but I like the stuff I write when I'm just like, confused and don't know what I'm talking about. I like to look back on it when things make more sense.

When I'm overwhelmed by emotion...
whether it's good or bad, I wish I could let it out.
I wish I could let it out to the full extent that it
needs to be let out. I wish I could let it out in
something other than endless, babbling words.
Empty, cliche', overused talk. Smiles and frowns
and regurgitated nothing. It all means so much
on the inside, but once it's out there it's just
words...words floating in space...Hitting the
ceiling, bouncing off the walls, getting lost.
They are nothing to anyone else. They carry
no weight. I wish that I could let it out in a
physical way. I wish I could be a vessel for
something bigger than myself...I want to stand
on top of a mountain and let it pour out of every
inch of my body...physically manifested as beams
of light. A scream wouldn't be enough, because
there's always more screaming left to do. I
just want it to be let out...In a stream...forever.
Instead of restlessly squirming inside my heart
and head.
When I'm so happy I can feel my heart overflowing,
or I'm so overwhelmed by sorrow that crying
just isn't enough...
Or even just so completely confused that words
can't even begin to touch the strange mix of
emotions and desires going on inside my
head...
I want it out.
OUT. OUT. OUT. For good.

At Least it wasn't a Tatt...

2008-10-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, just to let everyone know...a lot is happening/going on/has happened/has gone on in the past few weeks that I haven't gotten to blog about...so if I pop out a bunch of random posts over the next few days, sorry...the events I blog about will most likely not be in chronological order as far as when they happened...Sorry about that=D

Today I am blogging about something that happened about a week ago. I had decided not to blog about it so that the friends that read my blog would get to see it in person before I blogged about it and such...but seeing as half the friends that read this blog I NEVER see, I thought I would go ahead...

I got my nose pierced!!! I've been wanting to do this for awhile now, and while I was in West Virginia I decided that I was finally going to get it done. The only problem was...I had noooooooo money!!!

So long story short, when I was in North Carolina, my Aunt, Grandad, and Uncle paid for me to get it done!!! Thanks so much, you guys!!! I really appreciate it...My Aunt was about as excited as I was for me to go get it done, haha;-)

I was SOOOOOOOOOOO nervous and worried that it would hurt excruciatingly bad...But the guy that did it was really nice and helped me feel a little bit better. I laid down and he asked if I was ready. I said yes and used all my effort to hold myself still so I wouldn't jump off the table, hahaha...Then suddenly the needle went in! It did hurt quite a lot, and I teared up a bit, but it wasn't unbearable. However, he left the needle in for what I felt was a fraction of a second too long and I started to feel a little pannicked, hehe=D Then he took the needle out and put the nose ring in...That hurt a bit because it was something going into a new injury...But when I looked in the mirror for the first time afterwards I loved it!!!

I'm still glad I got it done...And don't worry, it won't leave a huge hole in my face, lol...They said that if you leave it out for a day it will close up, and I have a friend who took her nose ring out and now you can't even tell she ever had one.

Soooooo yeah! Big changes in the life of Kendra, hehe...

Well, not so big...at least I didn't randomly get a tattoo like some OTHER people I know=D

Million Dollar Houses!

2008-10-13T06:11:00.001-07:00

The other day, I went with my aunt and uncle on a tour called 'The Parade of Homes'. The purpose was to showcase houses priced at a million dollars and over.

I had a great time! You'd think you might be bored just looking at empty houses all day, but it was very interesting. The houses were HUGE and beautiful with rooms upon rooms...Each house probably had about 10 rooms and 5 bathrooms, hehe.

The rooms themselves were huge of course.

Each kitchen had unique features. One had a wine cooler and a cappuccino machine! It was really cool...

There was PLENTY of attic space. I told my Uncle Rob that if I lived there I'd spend most of my time in the attic being the phantom of the mansion...to which he of course responded by humming the theme to Phantom of the Opera!

Oh, and one of the coolest features is that each of the basements were fully furnished with a movie theater! THAT made me super jealous...

I just really enjoyed that day. There's something oddly inspiring about empty rooms...It makes you want to fill them up and make them your own.

As grand as the tour was though, I have to say that the highlight of my day happened later on, when my mom unsuspectingly drove into the ghetto. I was in the car with my uncle, who was muttering, "Don't go right, Julie...Don't go right..."

Of course, she turned right, and we passed several intense gang members...Like the kind who belong to the sort of gang where you have to murder someone to get in...

I was CRACKING UP!!! I can't wait to see Devan's impression of the incident;-)

you're a rebel without a cause...

2008-10-13T06:10:00.003-07:00

...And you make no sense.

No more games please.

That is all.

Brooding Ill Humor.

2008-10-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

My mood on myspace at the moment is morose.

Morose - Sullen, gloomy; showing a brooding ill humour

Why is it that I am sullen and gloomy, showing a brooding ill humor?

There really isn't just one reason, although there are several that are very easily identified. It just feels to me like everything is happening at once.

Why is it that in life, everything is either PERFECT or absolutely MISERABLE? In my experience, all the good things in life happen at the exact same time, and all the bad things in life happen at the exact same time...

I've had an amazing visit with my friends in West Virginia this past week...absolutely amazing. I've missed those little suckers so much! You have no idea...Spending time with them and getting back into my little niche was just like being home again. Honestly, I WAS home again.

This is one reason for my 'ill humor'. The fact that it was just a visit. Just a little taste of what I want so badly to have again, only to be taken away at the week's end as I ride away thinking, 'I'll go home again soon...I'll go home again soon.' But I know that it will be awhile before I do. Even if I were to move back, there would be so many processes and idiotic things to go through before I could finally get back. Ugh.

Another reason for this brooding ill humor is that I just broke up with my boyfriend. Actually, this happened about a week ago. Out of respect, I'm not going to disclose all the details...and he didn't do anything terrible. But I did get hurt...It's going to be awhile before I can get completely over it. That's not to say that I want to get back with him or anything like that. The point is that I gave more of my heart away than I have in a long time. Honestly, I've had a lot of guys after me in the past couple years, and I guess because I didn't get hurt with any of them in spite of their idiocy, I assumed it wouldn't ever happen again.

Boy, was I wrong. I should have known it was all a matter of how much I invested...

When it first happened I remember thinking, "Oh wow...I forgot it felt this bad."

I've discovered once again that the only way not to get hurt is to not get involved with people. People hurt people. It's as simple as that. Now, I've heard people say multiple times, 'Oh yes, you may get hurt...but it's worth the risk because of what you stand to gain.' My response to that is PROVE IT! When I'm perfectly happy on my own, why is it that several months of emotional exhaustion and eventual heartache is worth it because (wonder of wonders!) you may gain an entire LIFE of emotional exhaustion if you can stick it out??? It's laughable to me. Honestly I'm happier when I'm making my own decisions. Doing my own thing. And this is not just post break-up talk...Relationships are thrilling, but in the end I'm totally happy without them.

There are a few people that I totally love and totally trust. These are the people that are worth the emotional exhaustion of relationships...and I have no romantic interest in them, so in the end, it's never quite as emotionally exhausting as being in love.

I don't know. I'm just so confused about everything right now...Nothing I say should be taken seriously at the moment, even though I feel quite seriously about it.

I'm just wallowing. Pay me no mind.

Ike.

2008-09-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

As all of you probably know, this past week has been rather eventful for me...

A couple weeks ago my mom, siblings and I evacuated for Hurricane Gustav...it was my first 'hurricane' since we moved to Texas, and my first evacuation. I actually had a pretty good time that weekend. As it turns out, that evacuation was nothing more than a practice run for the real thing. My dad (who stayed to 'ride it out') told us that the storm consisted of rain and a little more wind than what he would have considered normal.

So for the next two weeks or so, we went back to our regular lives. Going to see friends in Beaumont, hanging out at home, going on walks...just chilling out. We didn't think anything else was coming.

When we first heard that Hurricane Ike was on its way, as worried as everyone seemed, I brushed it off. I know I shouldn't have, but I just thought that it would be another false alarm and didn't worry about it.

About five days ago now, my mom woke me up saying that Hurricane Ike was on its way, and we were going to North Carolina. That afternoon, our car was packed and we were on the road. We drove straight through the night stopping only a few times to sleep, and once to see my friend Devan who happened to be in Mississippi looking at a college at the same time that we happened to be coming through. We hung out with him at IHOP at about midnight...he brought some friends with him who were very nice, and we just hung out for about an hour and a half laughing, reminiscing, and having a great time hanging out together for the first time in a year and a half!

Life is weird. I love it though! I just get a thrill thinking about how unpredictable it is, and how wonderful it is to wake up in the morning and never know exactly what situation you'll be in at the end of the day...Even better than that is thinking about how you can watch someone walking into a room and never know what they'll be to you...They could be your future best friend, future significant other...even your future enemy!!! It's just so unpredictable, the things that happen...I love it!

Sorry, I guess I got off on a tangent right there, hehe...

But anyway...Yeah, we drove straight through the night and arrived here at my grandad's house at about 5 o'clock in the evening the next day.

So far the visit has been great...We have had a fantastic time hanging out with my family. I met my little cousin Maverick for the first time, and he is the cutest thing ever...He is WHITE with blond hair and blue eyes...He's two years old but looks younger. He makes the cutest faces, and if you put on 'Burnin' Up' by the Jonas Brothers, he will dance and sing for you! It's adorable...

My other cousins are dolls as well. Bryan is getting so big...He's 8 years old or so now, and he plays football. He is a ball of energy, and has the most prominent dimples...dark skin, and lighter eyes...what a killer combination! In a few years he's going to be a real heartbreaker...

Jenna is six years old with the same same dark skin, light eyes combo as her brother, except she also has beautiful dirty blond hair! I must say, she reminds me of myself when I was little in a lot of ways, except probably even more spunky! The first night we got here Jenna declared that Kaitlyn was 'the little goodest sister' and I was the 'goodest sister'...and made a rule that Kaitlyn was NOT allowed to say bad words in her room, but that I could say whatever I wanted, hahaha...It was hilarious! Then yesterday, we sat down to play a card game with her, and halfway through the game we realized that we didn't know the rules. Well, neither did Jenna, hehe...Here's how she explained the rules to us, "If you get a zero, you win...but if you get a two, we all win right here!" Hehe. She's a cutie;-)

My aunt (Bryan and Jenna's mother) is insane! We walk around talking trash to each other all day, it's hilarious! Yesterday she was on the phone and she said, "Yeah, my teenage nieces...they're so stupid." I looked up to find her looking at me, smirking, and said, "You know what? Shut up. You just get stupider as you get older..." Hahaha! I have so much fun here...My family is nuts...

So yeah. I've been having a good time up here. During the day when everyone is at work and school my sister and I will go chill in the camper by ourselves and talk about astrology and write things down and play cards and talk endlessly about what amounts to nothing...I love it. We like to go in there alone because it feels like it's our own little apartment=D

I have talked to a few of my friends and they said that it will take awhile for our area to go completely back to normal, but that it looks a lot better than it did when the last big hurricane came through and that my favorite coffee place survived (HALLELUJAH! hehe). Our house is fine as well, and power is being restored in a lot of places already. So I'm happy=) I think normality will be restored before I know it.

I hope if any of you had to evacuate you're having as much of an enjoyable time as I am, and if you're working on cleaning up and stuff, I wish you lots of energy...and I hope you're enjoying yourselves as well=) Thank you for making an effort...I feel bad that I can't be helping too.

Dylan, I love you and miss you a ton!<3

lazy day.

2008-08-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

Haha. Here is a journal entry I wrote at noon today=D

Okay, before I write this, get your mind out of the gutter...

There are so many things you can do while still in bed!

I have been awake for awhile now this morning, but have not left my bed once except to turn my alarm off a few hours ago...

It's simply delightful!

It's dreary outside, and I think on days like this staying in bed can be an activity in and of itself! I have listened to music, looked at a Delia's catalogue, had mom come in and comment that I look like an elf, and now I have written in my journal, all without leaving my cozy little bed!

Oh yes, and in between activities, I just slip under the covers, tuck them under my chin, and savor the warmth...

I can already tell it's going to be a beautiful day, even once I leave my bed! =)

Now...coffee I think.

Randomness=)

2008-08-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say...but I feel compelled to blog...so I guess I'll just...update? Hehe.

Life has been very good lately. In general, that is. I love my new boyfriend Dylan, and have been getting to spend a fair amount of time with him (even if it doesn't seem enough), which is amazing=D He's so great...

I've been on the go a lot because we have friends from WV staying with us, and that's a lot of fun.

Work is still just work. I'm so glad I only work a few days a week, because at this point I pretty much hate it more every time I go. Not to mention I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to lose my patience with some of the not-so-pleasant customers...I had a hard time keeping quiet today when after a long, obnoxious and confusing order, I asked a question only to receive a condescending, "You didn't understand a thang I just said, didja? Ya need to work on your communication..." Hmph. I swear, my orbicularis oris was working overtime to keep my mouth shut.

And they make us wear obnoxious hats!!!

Okay. I'm done complaining now. Let me just finish that thought with the simple realization that I am not cut out for waitressing, and I am 100% ready to accept that, hehe.

I keep thinking about fall...I am pretty much a fall freak=) I look at pictures of fall, I buy clothes that remind me of fall...It's kind of pathetic, lol. I am trying to learn to keep my head in the current moment, however, and enjoy the rest of summer.

But still, I can't wait=D I just want to wear something with long sleeves and go to the park without melting.

As far as my writing endeavors, I could be more active. Aside from blogging, I've been journaling though. It's a lot of fun when you have a cute one that you feel comfortable with. It's kind of weird, but until I got this perfect journal, I didn't realize how picky I am about how my journal looks...the size of it, the way it's decorated, even the line spacing...It all has to be a certain way for me to really enjoy it, lol.

Co'op started back up today. It makes me sad...I sort of wish I was there. I know we had a couple problems with the way things were done there, and I know that things won't be the same as they were last year anyway...But I'm just going to miss my friends:-( A bunch of them went away to college.

I also miss Ballroom Dancing and doing the play Pride and Prejudice. Those were some good times...

Hmm...what else? I dyed my hair. Just darker, nothing too drastic. It's basically just back to my natural color without all that orangey color in it that was there from when I dyed my hair back in November, ugh.

Anyway. I can't think of anything else. So...until next time I guess=D

ENFP - "The Advocate"

2008-08-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

I got the same exact result as my boyfriend and my mom, haha. It's rigged, I tell ya.

Yet it Shall Be: Thou Shalt Lower to their level Day by Day - What is Fine within thee Growing Coarse to Sympathize with Clay.

2008-07-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

Today, while I was waiting on my sister's training at the restaurant to be done (we are working together now, by the way! YAY!!!), my mom and brother and I were at a complete loss as to what to do. We were at the stop light in the middle of town when I said, "What are we going to do?" We had a whole hour to kill.

"I don't know," Mom said.

I started racking my brain for the more pretty, quiet, low maintenance or artistic parts of town. Now, I'll admit that these areas or obsolete or at least very rare in any given town in Texas...However, there is at least an art gallery and a library in the town where I work. I suggested going to the library...at first mom protested, saying she had just returned books that were six months overdue, but I bugged her until she gave in. (Kids, if your mom is in the right mood, remember to use this tactic.)

The whole point of this story is to build up to the high point of my day. It really wasn't a high point at all. It wasn't thrilling. It wasn't exciting. It didn't produce great amounts of adrenaline. I simply meandered my way through stacks of books. The simple feel of the library was enough to satisfy me. I haven't been to a library in ages...

I didn't end up looking at a great many pages. I got lost in the poetry section. My mom and I sat on the floor reading poetry. I picked up a book by Alfred Lord Tennyson and found a beautiful poem called 'Locksley Hall'. We only spent about 15 minutes at the library, but I find these few minutes worth writing about simply because they were 15 minutes full of the moments that I crave...The moments I seem to be at a loss for these days. Quiet moments. Pondering moments. Non-busy, non-chaotic, pure, happy moments.

I feel like I got in touch with the real me again today. Not waitress-me, or love-interest-me, or dramatic-aggravated-psycho-me. Just me.

It was perfect.

Now, the poem I read is six pages long, so I am going to just leave you with my favorite line:

Better thou and I were lying; hidden from the heart's disgrace
Roll'd in one another's arms, and silent in a last embrace.

The Strangers

2008-06-28T20:58:00.001-07:00

Okay, so...There are very few 'horror' movies that are able to find the delicate balance between soft suspense without any real thrills and utter gruesome terrifying nightmare-inducing gore. I happen to think that The Strangers is one of them. My mother, for the record, does not.

I just think it was well done. The dialogue and situations were realistic...there was good character development in the beginning with the two main characters, and Liv Tyler was beautiful.

If you like horror flicks, you should definitely try this one...It will keep you TERRIFIED, but in a good way...and it hasn't given me a nightmare yet:-D

Happy Birthday Tayva!!!

2008-06-25T20:09:00.001-07:00

Acrylics.

2008-06-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

In 2006, I got acrylic nails put on for the first time. I hated them.

But let's just say I'm a sucker for second chances...I can't stand the idea that if I didn't give someone or something just one more chance, I might have missed out on something I would end up really liking.

Then again...if something doesn't impress me on the second try, it's out the door, basically forever:-D

I got acrylics done again two days ago. Exactly one day later, I had them taken off.

All I can say is, 'Wow...that was one short-lived phase.'

I never plan to wear acrylics again.

BAM, BAM!!! Take that, Europe!!!

2008-06-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have made a decision about what I'm doing when I get out of high school.

On April 17, 2010, (give or take a couple days), I am moving to Italy. I am thinking somewhere in Northern Italy, but at the moment Florence and Rome are the two major cities on my list.

Whenever I tell people I am doing this (especially people at work), they ask, "Why? Why does it have to be so far away?" I am always surprised at what a negative reaction I get whenever I tell people I want to see the world. I always thought traveling was a good thing...I always thought experience was a good thing. But here is the answer to that question, 'Why Italy?'

It's really very simple. I want to go to Europe. I have tried learning Italian in the past and loved it. My friend went to Italy, and she says the people there are friendly and warm. Italian food is delicious. Venice, one of the two most romantic cities, is there. The drinking age is only 16. And what in the world is cooler than being able to say that you lived in Italy??? Okay...so maybe there are cooler things...But not to me.

As flippant as that paragraph may sound, I have been seriously looking into this. I have been browsing rooms for rent on sites that advertise apartments...Deciding which city I want to move to, and even invited my mother and sister to come along for a month and help me settle in when I move. My mother is also going to be looking at apartments with me. I am saving like crazy...Right now, for a car. As soon as I buy my car (which should happen next year around the time I turn 18, if not before), I will save up for Italy, so I can have a foundation as well as extra euros when I get there:-D

I am sooooooooooo excited!!! I can't wait. I have always known I wanted to travel, and I knew I wanted to live in Italy for at least awhile...but it wasn't until my friend Sunnie came back from a visit to Italy and France that I decided to make a plan. To get serious about it. With a vague outline of what you want, you get nowhere. I have a solid plan now and I know what I want. I am YOUNG! Now is the time to do these things!!!

Europe won't know what hit it;-)

Being Who I Am.

2008-06-17T00:06:00.001-07:00

A much admired coworker said to me today, "You know what I love about you, Kendra?"

I looked at him.

"You are your own person. You're different. Not like everyone else." He went on to tell me that that was what first attracted him to his girlfriend...that she was different than other people, and didn't care what others thought.

I have always known that that was an attractive quality to me, and that it was supposed to be an attractive quality to other people, but I didn't know that it WAS an attractive quality.

I wish I could be even more like that. I have my own sense of humor...my own likes and dislikes...and that shows. But I care too much what other people think about me. Even if it's just because I have a need to be on top, I want other people to know how wonderful I am. That sounds really conceited, but it's true. I just want people to think I'm spectacular and as shrewish as this sounds, to be superior to them. It bugs me to death when people think I am somehow lower than they are, and I go out of my way to prove to them that I am not.

So when my friend said that to me, it got me thinking...and I came to an important realization.

It really and truly honestly does NOT matter what they think. There are some people whose opinions I am never going to change. Mr. Jerkface is always going to think I'm an innocent, naive little twit. Mr. Dud is always going to think I'm jealous of his girlfriend and desperately want to be with him. Mr. Tyrant is always going to see me as nothing more than another female for him to dominate. All of these are idiotic assumptions, and not worth the time it takes to fret over them!

My friend at work is a very, very special person. I haven't known him for very long, and already he means a lot to me. He is one of those people whose opinions count...and he seems to think a lot of me.

I have friends that love and care about me. I have family that live with me day in day out and still like me for who I am. I don't need to prove to the chauvinistic pigs that I'm good enough to be a man. Their opinions mean ZERO, and they are no longer going to bother me:-)

I am my own person.

Forgiveness - Hogs

2008-05-23T20:06:00.001-07:00

I just watched a special on 20/20 about forgiveness. There were some very amazing stories about how people had forgiven horrible atrocities committed against them, or someone they loved. I caught the tail end of a story about a woman who forgave a man who raped her, and told him so. Now, to me, perhaps because I have an intense need to be respected, rape is about the most terrible wrong that can be committed against a person, because it shows a complete lack of respect. It is indignity at its worst...a complete disregard for another person's comfort and feelings...This may seem crazy, but I think of it as something worse than murder, because it is something that you have to keep living with. Something you have to strive to overcome daily. Sooooo...when I heard that this woman had forgiven him, my first response was defensive. I thought, 'What a weak woman...to actually TELL a man who had disrespected her in the worst way possible that it was okay!'

I sat with a narrowed brow as I critically took in the other stories. A woman who forgave a man who killed her pregnant daughter. A man who invited a judge who convicted him of a crime he didn't commit to his wedding.

Finally there was a story about a Jewish woman who had been taken by the nazis at a very young age. They had wounded her arm and drained her of her blood so that they could take note of how much blood a person can lose and still live. It was what this woman said that got me thinking...When the interviewer asked her how she had been able to forgive the nazis, she said in her beautiful, thick accent, "I asked myself, how would hating them help me? Would it make my life better?"

I thought about that. See, I have actually written a section on forgiveness in a new Christian book being published soon. I have had the same thought as the old Jewish woman before. "How does hating this person help me?" I have had the strength, in the past, to overcome the worst wrong ever committed against me. But somewhere along the way I lost it. I, the 'expert' on forgiveness, sat on the couch feeling extremely irritated that these people would actually forgive these sick, heartless people. But after I thought about what the Jewish woman said some more, I realized that by forgiving someone, you don't tell them it's alright. You don't say, 'it's okay, please do it again'. You make a choice for yourself not to hold it inside and let it fester up and hurt your life. You make a choice to move on and not let this person hold power over you; and you have to make that same choice everyday...because as you can see from my experience, it is not a one time decision. I have easily become bitter again.

As hard as it may be, I hope I can muster up the strength to be like the beautiful old Jewish woman, and say, "How is this helping me?" Because...it has nothing to do with the person who hurt you. You will never stop hurting until you let it go.

"The naive forgive and forget.

The stupid neither forgive or forget.

The wise forgive, but do not forget."

Now that I'm done with my serious blog, let me move on to the hogs...

My friend came over tonight and informed me that she was hog hunting. I went out into my backyard there were a bunch of country boys gathered there yelling in very thick accents and before I knew it, this huge, HORRIBLE squealing sound came from where the boys were...It was a hog, weighing about 300 pounds, and almost a match for all the boys put together. Every once in awhile after laying almost silent for awhile, the hog would get a second wind and start trying to run away, squealing horrifically all the while. More than once I started running away because it scared me so bad! Hahaha. It was interesting. I feel as if I've seen it all now...

Okay, I haven't seen it all. But that was definitely an experience!

Half the fun was seeing all the testosterone driven boys holding the squirming pig down. It was better than any movie.

Life is Good.

2008-02-21T07:14:00.001-08:00

I realized just recently that I don't blog very much anymore, and whenever I do blog, it's about work. WORK for gosh sakes! How BORING.

So I decided to change that and start blogging a lot more and blogging about things that might actually be of interest to other people. Well...not that my life and all my little extracurricular activities are really going to be of interest to anyone else, but at least I won't be blogging about how annoyed I am about such and such at work.

Sooooo. Update on my actual life.

This past weekend I went with my friend Bella (who is a ballerina) to visit a college with her, which is a Christian college for the arts. Bella is a senior and has already applied and been accepted into the college. She hasn't made her final decision about it yet, but it's her second choice for college, and she has a few scholarships there.

This particular college is a school that I've been interested in for awhile, since my friend Tallulah started attending a couple years ago. So I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited when Bella and her family invited Kaitlyn and I to go with them for Bella's dance audition!

Tallulah is no longer in school because she was going for theater, and she was offered a job as a professional actress. But she still lives in town, and five minutes (on foot) from the college! So I called her the night before and asked what she was doing that weekend:-D She practically screamed my ear/her head off, lol...It was awesome! She invited my friends and I to have dinner with her after our trip.

Bella, her sister, Rachel, Kaitlyn and I had SOOO much fun on the trip there! We formed about 500 new inside jokes and had tons of fun doing it! Bella and Rachel made a couple of CDs of mutually loved music to listen to on the drive. We got to know them a lot better as well, which is always a plus! They are some of our really good friends now.

By the time we got to the college, we were all really excited. Bella's mom checked us into a hotel, while I called Tallulah and got directions to her house. Within about 10 minutes we were in Tallulah's kitchen, laughing and talking and letting her get to know our new friends.

She made us a fantastic dinner comprised of a really good salad with poppy seed dressing (which I'd never tried before and really liked), and curry and lentil soup. It was splendifferous!

We couldn't stay very long that night because we were all tired from the trip, but we made plans that while Bella was at her dance audition the next morning, Kaitlyn (my sister), Rachel and I would go to Tallulah's rehearsal with her.

The next morning, Kaitlyn, Rachel and I woke up to a dark room. We tried to turn the lights on, but the power was completely out at the hotel! We were pannicking. There was no way to get a shower, and they weren't expecting the power back on until after we left!!! That was interesting. We went downstairs and ate breakfast, then returned to our room to make an attempt at getting ourselves pretty in the dark. I think we did a pretty good job considering our circumstances:-D

Rachel's mom came back to the hotel soon after we had finished primping and took us about 3 minutes down the road to the theater where Tallulah works. We watched Tallulah and her coworkers perform a play, which they did amazingly well. All the actors were very dramatic and seemingly not afraid of what people thought of them. They were completely in character and very good at what they did...which is perhaps why they are professionals:-D

Right after the play, and congratulating Tallulah on a job well done, I kind of freaked out and had a spaz attack because of the stress in my life right now. I started talking about how I wasn't getting my schoolwork done and how I didn't make enough time for school and how since I started my job it had been even more stressful...At that moment, for whatever reason, something in my brain totally clicked and later on I called mom and asked her to have the computer out of my room by the time I got home:-D (Since she did that, I've been having a lot better luck with my school and have mostly used this computer for educational purposes:-D).

After Tallulah had organized an impromptu re-enactment of the fight scene from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' with her co-workers specially for us, we left the theater and walked to the college. It took about 10 minutes to get there, and it was a lovely walk. The weather was good, and it was just nice to be with Tallulah again:-) When we got to the cafeteria, we sat for about a half hour and talked and just hung out and spent time together.
That's Tallulah in the middle. Kaitlyn is on the left, I'm on the right:-D

While sitting in the cafeteria, I met a lot of Tallulah's friends. One guy that I met had taken the creative writing program that I'm interested in and he said he really liked it and that he had learned a lot about himself through the class. All her friends were very nice...very artsy, as well:-D I like artsy people. I want to be artsy. I hope I'm succeeding.

Soon Tallulah had to go back to work, and so we said our goodbyes. Bella and her mom returned from the dance audition (which she apparently did very well on) and we went on our tour of the college. The campus was very nice and our guide gave us some good insight as to what living at the college is actually like. She was honest too, lol...She talked about how the football players were 'not the brightest bunch of students'...we were all laughing! The dorms were also very nice, but it might just be the idea of living so independently that is so appealing to me:-D Of course, there is also a pretty fountain in the middle of the campus that always has classical music playing around it. It was beautiful!

It wasn't a very large campus, and so it wasn't a very long tour...but by the time we left,I was inspired. I resolved then that I would reallllllly buckle down and do my schoolwork. That I would prioritize and neaten up and organize my life and focus a lot more on my education. Work is a last priority. (Sorry, work!) So far I've been doing pretty well with that resolution. Having the computer out of my room and refraining from myspace has been a HUGE help. There are also plenty of scholarships that I'm researching and planning on applying for. Man, I have so many essays to write this year! It's a little overwhelming, but I'm also wildly excited to do these things!

That night we stayed at Bella and Rachel's house. We watched 'No Reservations' with them (which is a fantastical movie that we saw in theaters awhile ago). The next morning, they made us a very healthy but very, VERY good breakfast of bagels with cream cheese and homemade strawberry jam. The weather was beautiful, and we had a picnic outside. What a good memory! It was amazing. The whole rest of that day was good.

Needless to say, now I am back home, and back on earth, but things seem to be going pretty well:-D I love the positive changes I'm trying to make in my life right now.

Something else to blog about that has nothing to do with my job would be the ballroom dancing classes I am taking! I didn't think I was going to take the class because I didn't have a partner, and I wasn't really up to asking someone to dance with me...but about a week before the class started my friend Daniel texted me and asked me to be his partner. We've been having SO much fun dancing together! The first week we got some of the steps down and it wasn't too bad, but I wasn't amazingly eager for the second class. But last night we danced and learned a lot of new steps. We learned the waltz last night, and Daniel and I got so good that we were able to dance on beat to a very fast-paced song. My heart was beating pretty hard at the end of it, too! It was GREAT fun, and I can't wait for the next class! Something else to look forward to is that not only are we learning these things really well, but the co'op we're involved in will be having a high school prom/dance/formal thingy at the end of the classes at a really nice hotel, and we'll be able to use what we've learned while all dressed up! It's going to be soooooooo much fun!

Life is gooooood.

Satisfied.

2008-02-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, update on the job.

I completed my training a little over a week ago and we opened the restaurant. First, I was hostess. Then, I was FC (which is the person who arranges the food and makes sure everything is right, yada yada yada), and then, I waited tables for the first time at the restaurant. I made 13 dollars off of six tables. Yeah. Only thirteen dollars. Sooo...I was a little discouraged. That was a Sunday, and I've heard that 'church people' are notoriously bad tippers. It turns out that this stereotype is pretty true. I got quite a few people who came in and left me a dollar for a tip.

I thought this was just because I'm not good at waitressing...but I was wrong about that:-D The next time I went to work, I made $50. The next day I learned how to be a cashier (which is actually kind of fun and really easy). Today, I brought home $60 in tips.

I love my job. Every time I go, I am learning more and making fewer mistakes and getting better, and bringing home more $$$$$$$$$!!! Everything is set-up a certain way so I don't have to wander around and ask one of my coworkers if a customer has a question. Everything is precise. I KNOW which tables are mine and I know that if I turn a ticket in, the cook will be able to read it because the abbreviations are, of course, set. It's very nice and a definite confidence builder to be able to do my job. I just like KNOWING what I have to do, and being able to do it. I'm realizing just how sloppy things were at my last job now that I work here.

The atmosphere is also a lot happier. We have these nice little T-Shirts we wear and we can get them in different colors. We don't have to dress all formally and we can wear jeans and sneakers! They always play Christian music which is nice because in the middle of a rush, if I go to the bathroom to escape, there is some really encouraging music playing to calm me down. My bosses are pretty relaxed...I mean, of course they're authoritative, but they're also pretty nice. I get discounts on things I'm not supposed to get a discount on and if I do something wrong, they're just like, "That's okay, we'll fix it." It's nice to feel secure in that way.

I also get to press a lot of buttons and fun stuff like that, haha!!!

Man. I'm so glad to have a real job where I don't have to whine and complain about not getting enough hours! I was scheduled for five days this week, furreeeal!

Superwaitress, take 2.

2008-01-29T13:52:00.001-08:00

Okay, so today I wake up to my mom saying gently, "Kendra, did you say your training started at 2 today?"

"No," I said, slightly irritated that she had disturbed my dream.

"What time then?"

"Ten," I said.

"Twelve?"

"No," I said, panicking now. "TEN! What time is it now?!"

"9:30!"

Before I was really awake I was on my feet saying, "What do I do? What do I do?" as if I had forgotten how to get myself ready, trying to figure out if I could work a 20 minute shower into the 30 minutes I had to get ready when the time it takes to drive to the cafe is about 20 minutes, HAHAHA. Needless to say, that didn't work. I ran around my house, jumped into some jeans, tried to put makeup on (and in the process smeared mascara all over my eyelid), and pulled my hair into a bun, which failed to hide the greasiness. Long story short though, my mom and sister did my chores for me, and Kaitlyn made me some toast and coffee, which I ate in the car. I have a good family:-D

On the way there, I decided I didn't look toooo bad, and within twenty minutes of waking up, I was clocking in:-D

I sat by myself at a table for awhile before a nice girl named Kelsey sat at the table with me, and we talked a little bit. She had a nice smile, and I think/hope that she won't be stupid and mean like some of the people I've worked with.

For the first half hour to an hour, I was befuddled by all the things I had to learn and make sense of, but as time went on, I realized it was going to be pretty simple once I got the hang of it. It may take some time to get into the swing of things, but I will, and I'm going to try my hardest.

The male manager is still very nice, and I met the female manager today. She's the one who trained me and the other waiters/waitresses. After the training was over, I asked some questions, and she gave me my Elijah's t-shirts (green and pink...like a freakin' watermelon, haha...actually I ordered pink and blue, but they didn't have blue, so whatever), and aprons. Yes, I have an apron. And I have to wear it, haha:-D

This job is going to be fun. I'm working the day shift because I'm homeschooled, so the people I'm working with are mostly older than I am, which means that even if they don't have life down yet, they're college kids and young parents, and they're more mature. Even if only just mature enough not to call you names behind your back.

Oh, one more thing I have to add! I experienced the weirdest sort of attraction of my life today. Okay, maybe not the weirdest, but pretty weird. It wasn't really a romantic attraction. I'm not sure what sort of attraction it was. But there was this guy there. He was dark and had awesome hair and was wearing cool clothes and just seemed really cool. Have you ever experienced this sort of magnetic thing with another person? For some reason, throughout the time that the lady was training us, I just watched him. Like, not on purpose...but my eyes kept wandering back to him. He came over to my table to sit with Kelsey (who he somehow knew), and I just kind of stared/smiled at him, wanting to introduce myself, but I wasn't able to. Afterwards, I felt weird and stalkerish, because I kind of hovered around him like, watching him, HAHA! He finally introduced himself, and I introduced myself to him, at which point I realized how weird I must look, hahaha...I couldn't help it though! It was like, magnetic. Like I said, not really a romantic attraction. Magnetic is the best way to describe it.

Extremely Random Update.

2008-01-28T18:44:00.000-08:00

Hello, fellas:-)

The truth is, right now I am in the best mood that I've been in for awhile. I think PMS is the culprit. Hormones are being released all over my body and carried by my blood throughout my body to the receptors that somehow make me cranky. For some stupid reason, my receptors did not send out a signal to stop releasing the hormone, and so it kept going on and on. This horrible depression...this bad mood. And of course, the duration of influence was probably like, 5 years, hahaha...

Yeah, I just got done studying hormones in my anatomy course. It's probably the first or second most interesting module we've done thus far. Anyway, lacking in eloquence though the above paragraph may be, it is true. I have been suffering (and yes, I do mean suffering) from PMS for awhile now. The worst symptoms I've had in months and months, including, of course, this bad mood. But for some reason I got up today and I was like, hyper and happy. So I guess that frickin' hormone is no longer being released, haha...

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned in any previous blog entries, but I quit my job at the restaurant where I used to work because they're ignoramuses. HAHAHA. But yeah. They weren't so good and no one that has worked there and no longer works there has anything good to say about it. I applied at the new restaurant in town called Elijah's Cafe, and I haven't even worked there yet, but I'm already loving it. I mean, this might sound weird, but I love the fact that they make me memorize the whole menu and train for days and take a health class. I love it because it means that 1) I'm working for a good business that actually takes pride in being non-disgusting and organized 2) They actually care about me being confident about my job and in my ability to do my job. With the other restaurant I worked at, they kind of had me trained, except not by the right people because the girl that was supposed to train me had an attitude about it...so basically anyone that was willing to help train me pitched in a little. At Elijah's, they're actually making me go through a class, which is really nice in a weird way. I know the menu, and I know the abbreviations, and the prices, so when I'm waiting on someone, I won't be treated like an idiot, and the cook isn't going to yell at me because of the way that I chose to abbreviate something that no one told me the right way to abbreviate.

OKAY! Bad Kendra. No ranting! Lol.

Anyway, as for other new things in my life...Co'op is going very well. I'm making new friends and becoming closer to the ones I've already made all the time...I'm seeing different sides of people that I love, love, LOVE, and even the guys are like, super awesome. They are so lovable and sweet and just...awesome. Yeah.

I'm also taking a drama class there, and we're doing Pride and Prejudice the play. My really good friend Katelyn got the part of Elizabeth, and I got the part of Jane...the oldest sister, who falls in love with Mr. Bingley. It's way cool because Jane is one of the biggest parts (not really the main character, but she has one of the main love stories), and I get to act alongside one of my best friends as her sister! It's going to be a lot of fun and I'm getting more and more excited about it all the time. We found patterns for dresses (we're making our own), and they're really beautiful and elegant. I can't wait!!! My lines are actually coming along quite easily, too:-) The oooooonly awkward thing is about the guy that plays Mr. Bingley. We haven't worked with blocking yet, and we have to act all lovey-dovey and run around stage being like, "Woo-hoo, we're getting married!" and I'm a little nervous about that. I don't think he is. I don't think he even seems to notice that it's a love story, hahaha...but it's just going to be interesting:-D

Oh, and also one of my other good friends at co'op is having a Valentine's party:-D I really love co'op. More and more all the time. It's becoming my outlet. My escape. My hideaway from Hickville, Texas! My friends are perfect and they really like me there. I'm getting invited to parties and expanding my social life, and I'm just...having a great time of it:-D

That's all I can think of for now. Yeah, kind of random. But please pray that I can get my school work done!!!

Feeling Yucky.

2007-12-02T08:09:00.001-08:00

Today, I feel blech.

Yep. Blech. There's no other way to describe it. My eyes don't want to stay open, every part of my body feels so heavy and unwilling to move. I'm sort of stressed and overwhelmed, and if you know me, you probably know that I do not respond well to stress. Even though I try to let it motivate me, my natural reaction to stress is pretty hippie-ish ("It's all good man"). Not to mention I feel sort of bloated and gross.

I can't wait for Christmas break. Not that I'm a poor, overworked little pack mule or anything and Christmas break is the only time that I can breathe...but I just really need some time to recuperate...from schoolwork, from Michael, from everything. I want more than anything to hop into some sweats and hunker on down to read Jane Austen without interruption for hours and hours...or possibly even Harry Potter again. I want to stay up late and watch my favorite Christmas movies and watch the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. I just need a recovery period after everything that's been happening lately.

I just need to push through these next two weeks or so...

superwaitress.

2007-10-03T11:54:00.001-07:00

Last night was my first night of work. Actually, it was technically just my first night of training.

I was so nervous all day...in fact the first thing I said yesterday morning was, "Oh my god!!!" I was really panicked, haha...I was practically hyperventilating on the way to the restaurant!

When I got there, there was practically NO ONE there. Just a couple and their baby. That's it. Michael and two of the waitresses were standing at the wait station, and they motioned for me to come over. He introduced me as his girlfriend (which was very nice - It's annoying when your significant other introduces you as 'a friend'), and they were very nice to me. The older one was pentecostal, and her shift had just ended. Her name was Sophie, and she was very sweet...she told me there was nothing to be nervous about and everything. Amy, the other waitress there, was sweet too...she was closer to my age than Sophie, and she told me that if Catherine (the waitress I was supposed to be 'shadowing') didn't get there soon, I could follow her...

Then another waitress got there. She was blond, looked perfect, and had a cloud of perfume around her. She paid no attention to me, and when someone introduced me to her, she just sort of went, "Hi," really quickly and walked off. I thought she was really snotty and thought that I had met someone I would NOT get along with. I was wrong though. I mean, we're not best friends or anything, but I introduced myself formally, and tried to be nice, and she was civil. She and Amy took turns showing me things and familiarizing me with different aspects of the job.

For the first half hour or so before Catherine arrived, I was really stressed out. I didn't think I was ever going to understand all the things I had to do and in what order, and Amy and Jennifer, although they were nice, kind of just told me random things without telling me in what context I might have to do them. To be honest, I still don't understand all of it, but I have another whole night of training, so I think I'll be okay eventually.

Catherine arrived and I trailed her most of the night. Towards the end of the night, she actually asked me if I wanted to wait a table, and I was going to try, as long as she would watch me do it and make sure I did everything right...but I'm sort of glad I never got the chance. The three guys I was going to wait on left (saying they would return, which they never actually did) before I could ask what they wanted to eat. They looked either high or inbred, and they were so creepy that even my boss told Michael (the only guy at the restaurant at the time) to come out if they returned back to the restaurant, I guess to just sort of let them know that it wasn't just a bunch of girls at the place alone. Which...okay, yeah, I understand...but I'm not a helpless female, either. I can kick some inbred you-know-what if I want to! lol

So, my actual jobs last night included: Learning lots of stuff, wiping down glass, clearing and wiping off tables, refilling people's drinks, sweeping the dining part of the restaurant, cleaning out the tea dispenser and wiping the outside of it, and again, learning lots of STUFF!!! Oh yes...I also rolled the silverware thingies. I'm big. I'm bad. I roll silverware up in napkins:-D

Nervous.

2007-09-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

Right now, I am really nervous about my job!

My biggest concern is that I'll make an idiot out of myself. I have ADD, and I get distracted easily, so I come off as 'ditsy'. Now, all my life, people have accepted 'ditsy' as part of my personality, and even thought it was cute. Sure, they made fun of me, but it was always in a loving way.

If I'm a waitress, ditsy is NOT going to be cute anymore. I'm trying to just sort of pre-train myself...you know, just learning how to concentrate on one thing. But it's just so nerve wracking! I remember during certain babysitting jobs a couple years ago, all the kids would be running in fifty different directions, screaming, getting into things they weren't supposed to, and while I was trying to stop one of them, another would be doing something worse! I was lucky to have my sister there to help me, but sometimes, I'd look around and I wouldn't know how to even start rounding them up, you know? At that point, I would just have to force myself to laugh and be calm, and then after a few minutes I would start going after them again. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not...but what if that happens while I'm a waitress? People will be waiting on me for things...what if I don't have a moment to breathe and be calm?

I think I can handle this. I have two days of training before they 'set me free', and I know if I just concentrate, I can pull off anything I want to.

It's just SCARY!!!

Waitress.

2007-09-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

Today, I went in for my first job 'interview'.
I applied at 'The Tree', which is a nice, homey restaurant about 5 minutes from my house.
Truth be told, it wasn't an interview at all. I already had the job, thanks to Michael. He put in a good word for me, and when someone has been working there as long as Michael has, they usually just trust their recommendations.
I was SOOOOOO nervous before the interview...I was screaming at everyone in my family, and getting upset about everything.
When I got there, though, they made me comfortable. Everyone kept saying things like, "Why are you with Michael?" and asking him things like, "How did you get a girl like that?" hahaha...
Michael took me off to this side area where there was a big fireplace, and a table where I was going to be interviewed. The lady who owns the restaurant (with her husband) was with me pretty quickly, and began to talk to me about the schedule and everything.
Apparently on Tuesday and Wednesday I work from 5 to 10, but those are really just going to be my training days. I am going to be 'shadowing' two different waitresses. One of them I know already...her name is Catherine. She's pretty nice. I met her at Michael's church a couple of times. Then there's Shana, who seems nice, too.
All they really told me was that I needed to look presentable, be organized, pin my hair up, and wear a white shirt with black pants. They also gave me a menu to study and become familiar with.
I'm so nervous about my first day, but also really excited! I'm also going to be working with my boyfriend. While I realize that working with him isn't going to be 'all flirting all the time', it's going to be nice to be near him so much, you know?

Cheese.

2007-08-20T17:42:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of cheese!!!

I'm tired of cliche's and happy plastic people...Give me the truth...Show me something real...something wonderful and unique...show me something that doesn't require all of its members to be mindless drones that spout off what they think they are supposed to spout off...Show me goodness, and real love...Don't show me a single act of charity performed by you and a group of all your close buddies a couple years back and act as if that's the definition of love! Don't give me your facades...Keep your bubbly, plastic, gray subsitution for real life...Don't even use the word 'evil'. Don't turn this into a political game. Don't use acts of kindness to secure yourself a position among the 'higher-ups'. Don't take advantage of my heartache. I am not just a number. I am not a dollar in the offering plate or a digit on the attendance chart. Don't try to get me to admit my sins to you just so you can spout them off to all your friends...

Don't. Just don't.

Co'op

2007-08-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of co'op...and it was better than I thought it would be.

We got to the place before the first class started at about 8:45 am, and a couple of ladies told my sister and I could go into the library and hang out while we waited for the other kids to be done with their first class, and mom helped get things set up. So we went into the library and I caught up on a little bit of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows while I waited. About halfway through, Kaitlyn and I killed some time by walking around the place and met some kids who were also skipping out on the first class.

At 9:45, our first class, English, started. My sister and I were the first ones there, partly because we had nothing to do, and partly because we were excited and wanted to get the day going. The teacher of the class was young...in her early twenties - a homeschool graduate - and very nice. She told us to sit down, so we did, and soon the other kids started pouring in.

I thought I was going to be the only one over fourteen in the class...I thought I was going to feel big and out of place...but actually, most of the kids in the class were 16 or 17! It was pretty cool! Everyone in the class was nice, and the lesson was good...nice and easy for the first lesson...

Our next class was literature. In this class, there were only two students besides my sister and I, and they were both boys. I think it's cool to have a nice small group of people for classes like this sometimes...your opinion can be heard better, and it's more of an intimate atmosphere. I really like this class so far, because I'm a reader, and in this class I'm able to learn about and discuss concepts that I already had down in my mind, but could not find names for. It was a very good class. Our first book will be Around the World in 80 Days.

After that we had lunch, during which we met a whole flock of girls, all of whom were very friendly, and asked us to sit with them. While we sat in their general vicinity, Kaitlyn and my mom and I stuck together for the first day. When we went to heat up our food in the microwave, this very tall blond boy came up to us out of nowhere and started shaking my sister's hand, saying, "My name's Steven!" when I came up from the microwave, he shook my hand and introduced himself, too. Now, I thought this was very impressive...and he didn't stop impressing me all day. He was just a sweet gentleman.

My Biology 2 class was a bit harder than the first two, although I liked it, and it was very enlightening. It was good to have a teacher explain things that the book just did not seem to explain very well without visual aid, and I think I'll do okay in this class. The teachers are both very nice, too...Just very sweet ladies. They are excited about God, and Biology...I think they'll do a great job.

After Biology, this girl named Kaitlyn came up to me and was asking me about how I liked Biology and we talked about what we were having a hard time understanding and how good the class was...She was just so sweet! She came up to my sister and I again after that to ask us how we liked our first day of Co'op.

I don't think people realize how much the little things count. Just being friendly and bubbly and going up to someone and talking to them can work wonders, and this co'op was just full of spectacular people all day long...we never felt left out...we never felt like the 'new kids', at least not in a 'you're-separate-from-the-rest-of-us-way'...

I loved it.

"Old Enough" - And Co'op!

2007-08-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today, I did not get on the computer at all until just about an hour ago, and today has been spent blissfully in my PJs, reading 80 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and studying my Biology.

I have been applying myself more than usual and getting a lot done lately...which I am very happy about. I'm tired of days spent on the computer, dreaming and planning about what I am going to do when I am old enough instead of just BEING old enough right now. There are so many things I can do that I just don't do because I'm 'not old enough' - when in reality it's just because I'm lazy and I don't want to get things together in order to do what I want to do...and since I've been making myself do these things, there is a great satisfaction about life because I'm at least dabbling in the things I want to do instead of vegging out on the computer.

A lot of good things have been happening lately...I have just come out of a season of depression - not horrible depression, but just missing the things I used to have in West Virginia that I feel like I don't have here...we had things to do - obligations to fulfill. I prefer a little bit of stress to no expectations at all. Sometime in June, I just started losing my optimism a little bit and sinking into hopelessness. I couldn't see how things were going to get better living here...

But just recently, my mom heard about this homeschool co'op...Homeschool Grace Co'op, and we will be attending. It seems like a great place...You go once a week, and it is structured like a school, except you only take classes that you want to take. It seems so great, and it fits in alright with the whole unschooling philosophy I try to abide by, too...because I'm not taking any classes that I'm not interested in. My subjects will be English, Literature, Biology 2, Art, and Drama. I can't wait!

Apparently there are going to be a lot of kids my age, too...plenty of high schoolers to get to know - people I might actually have something in common with...

I feel like a geek for being so excited about this...sort of desperate...but I think it's okay for me to be a little bit overexcited about this, considering the fact that in some ways, I've been the boy in the plastic bubble for the past year and a half!

YAY FOR CO'OP!!!

Girls Night: Bikers, Babes, and Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans

2007-08-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I had my first really fun girls night in awhile a couple days ago...
My friend Bethany has been wanting me to come visit her youth group with her for awhile now, and the other night her church was having a youth rally, so we decided to go to the youth meeting while our moms had coffee and shopped or whatever it is they do...
So we went to church. It was great...it was a lot of fun, in a high-energy, 'you're-going-to-get-onstage-whether-you-like-it-or-not' kind of way (they had my sister and I come onstage and give them a short version of our life stories), and there was a speaker there that talked about how to be a 'suphero of the faith' (and also, there was a really cute guy there! My sister, Bethany and I were drooling, lol).
So when church was over, our moms were there waiting for us, and we left pretty quickly. Mom gave us chocolate covered espresso beans, which I think hit our bloodstream immediately. Soon the topic of a movie we have been dying to see called 'Becoming Jane' came up, and before we knew it, a pathetic attempt at a 'this-isn't-really-going-to-happen-but-I-might-as-well-ask-anyway' sort of plea from the teenagers became an actual plan, and we were on our way to the movie theater!!!
We got to the first theater, and in spite of the fact that it was opening day, and there was a poster for it outside the theater, it wasn't showing there. We spent a couple minutes trying to call the other theater without success, and soon decided to just drive over to the other theater and see if it was playing.
As we were leaving the parking lot, Kaitlyn and Bethany looked out the back window and saw two guys on motorcycles right behind our car. They started waving..."Wave, Kendra!" they said. Soon we were all waving and grinning flirtatiously at the bikers behind us. They started trying to go around us, and when one of them went by my window, I waved and smiled, and he grinned like the Cheshire cat at me, then got right in front of our car with his friend.
Bethany is crazy. She rolled down her window and we all started yelling, "Hey boys!" and such at them (please don't think we're bimbos...you never know what you're going to do when you're in a group of girls and all hopped up on espresso!).
We saw the two guys grinning at each other and talking in front of our car, then, when traffic started moving again, you wouldn't believe what happened! One of the guys did a wheely right in front of us on the motorcycle, and the other guy kicked both legs up in the air! It was so awesome...we started cracking up and squealing...it was like having our own little show!
So, needless to say, we were hyper for the rest of the night...
We got to the other theater, and the movie wasn't playing there, either...so we ended up seeing No Reservations instead...it was a great movie! Really sweet...all the food looked delicious, and Catherine-Zeta Jones is beautiful, as always.
On the way out of the movie, we ran into my friend Sunnie, who had been over at my house for basically the whole day before we left for church...she just happened to be there with a friend at the same theater at the same time! I don't know why It's a Small World After All hasn't been stuck in my head for days, lol...
Kaitlyn, Bethany and I all took mini-naps in the car on the way home...we were worn out! I think though, the espresso beans did have a pretty good effect on us, because when I finally got to bed I couldn't go to sleep! I'm not sure if this helped or not, but I had a glass of milk and then went right to sleep...I've heard that milk helps you sleep...Can anyone verify this?

Double Anniversary

2007-08-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

Today is the anniversary of two different events in my life.

The first is this: Three years ago today, my first boyfriend, Justin, asked me to be his girlfriend. To me, at the time, this was the best thing that could possibly have happened to me...I really, really liked him, and although I knew the answer would be yes, I told him I'd have to talk to my mom about it...tortured him for a few hours, and then finally gave him my answer (yes, duh). It was a very important day for me, and he was a very important person to me, and I guess he always will be. I'll never forget him.

It's hard to believe it's been three whole years; And yet it's just as hard to believe it hasn't been even longer. I feel like I'm a completely different person now...I think, that while I still have quite a bit of growing up to do, I have grown up a lot since then...

And here's the second: Two years ago today, I got my first blog. I still have it, and the URL is homeschoolblogger.com/missingyoualwayz. I don't use it anymore, but I used it to let my friends know about some pretty interesting things in my life. That blog helped me to chronicle some of the more dramatic events in my teen years so far. I wrote about boys, friends, and about how I rededicated my life to God. It's good for a writer to have an outlet:-)

Colorquiz

2007-08-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

My friend showed me this a long time ago, and every once in awhile I take the quiz again just to see if it still has me right...

It's AMAZING! Just by me clicking a bunch of random color squares it can tell me what's going on in my life...I mean, of course only I know exactly what the situations they're hinting at specifically are, but still...the fact that it can even vaguely determine what's going on inside me is just amazing.

Take this quiz...you may be as amazed as I am!

(And also, feel free to read my results!)

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Needs a change in her circumstances or in her rela..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Papa, Death, and Kissing

2007-07-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

A year ago yesterday, my Papa died of a brain tumor.

It's so strange that it happened a whole year ago, and yet so much in my life has changed since then that it's quite obvious some time has passed. It just doesn't seem like he's dead sometimes...I guess it's that way with anyone who dies. I didn't know him very well, but I knew him well enough, and some days I really miss him. I can't imagine how it must be for my Memaw...Pray for her please. She had said that this means she hasn't even been able to talk to him for a whole year.

You know, he was always a strong guy. He was about 70 when he died, but he never looked elderly, you know? It didn't seem like it was his time yet.

When he died, it was my first real experience with death, and I was amazed at how natural it felt..for.maybe not for him, but for me. I had thought that to feel death in the air would be scary, and unnatural. I remember the night before he died sitting in the living room and thinking, "There's death in the air." It's a dramatic sentiment, but it's what I thought. I could feel it. It was a heavy presence, but not the horrible, scary thing I imagined. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt as if this thing, death, was a part of life. Not the end of it, but apart of it. Sort of the way you build up your first kiss in your head to be this grand thing...You've never kissed anyone, and you think it's going to be some great romantic, dramatic thing with music playing in the background and everyone clapping or something of the like...then it happens, and yes it's romantic, but it's a lot more comfortable and ordinary than you had imagined as well. It's not dramatic. It's a good thing, but it's also just a part of life. That's sort of how I would describe the feeling of death...you think it's going to be this scary, bad, horrible thing...and yes it is scary in the sense that it's new territory...it's scary in the sense that no one who is alive could describe to you what it's like to die, and it's scary in the sense that we don't know what's going to happen to us afterwards for sure...but it's not scary in the horror-movie kind of way. Yes, it's a bad thing in the sense that it's sad and we won't get to see that person anymore, but it's not a bad thing in the sense that we'll never be able to move on...not in the sense that our lives come to a screeching halt. It's a part of life. As natural as a kiss. At least for me, the observer.

One more thing I have to say though...it may have been more natural feeling for me, because I was not married to him, and I was not his child. I loved him, and I was close to him, but it may have been easier for me to observe how natural death felt to the onlooker because I was not as grieved as some. That's not to say I didn't love him...Just that I can understand if you have lost someone very close to you and to you, it did not feel natural at all.

He's in a better place now, I know that much. It was hard to be sad for him when he died because I know that he's in a better place. That sounds cliche', but it's true. He wouldn't come back to this world for anything.

Guess what, Guys???

2007-07-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

I know what my true love's name is going to be!!!

I took this quiz on blogthings, and apparently his name is Wesley!!!

You know, like from The Princess Bride!!! Wesley, remember???

I'm so excited! I'm going to marry Wesley!!! lol

You know what's really kind of funny? Is that this guy, the guy who plays Wesley, looks almost exactly like my dad when he was younger...

HAIRSPRAY!!!

2007-07-26T20:36:00.001-07:00

I went to see Hairspray today, and it was AWESOME!!!

The story I think was originally from a book, which was turned into a movie in the '80s, which was turned into a Broadway Musical, and now back into a movie musical.

I plan on seeing both the older movie, and someday the Broadway play, but right now, I'll be satisfied with the teeny bopper version I just saw...

The storyline was about this chubby girl named Tracy who always wanted to dance on this show called The Corny Collins Show. At the same time that she is pursuing her dream of dancing, there is a battle going on 'behind the scenes' over the segragation of blacks and whites. Tracy is completely against segregation, and in the proccess of doing what she knows is right to help 'integration' become a reality, she may be jeopardizing her wishes for her own future.

The story is just amazing...To sum up the movie, it is a great story about how people should overlook each other's difference and learn to love one another, and accept one another. And, my personal favorite, about how guys don't always fall for Barbies:-)

The music was great, the actors were great...I just give this movie a big thumbs up, and a reccommendation to you all!

Books! Wonderful Books!

2007-07-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

I have been in Book Heaven recently.
Not because before there weren't good books, but only recently have I gotten organized about it. I now have running list in progress, and whenever I think of something I want to read or get book reccomendation, I put it on the list. And I have actually been reading, too!

I just got finished with Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, for the second time, and it is an excellent book. Amazing. I have to read it at least once a year now...

Now I am reading Addicted to Mediocrity by Frank Schaeffer, which is about Christians and the Arts...I have only read the first chapter so far, but that first chapter was really great...Hence my real reason for this post.

Here is something I just read out of the book:

I have come to the conlusion
that the origin of the arts we are discussing
was nature itself and that the Master who taught us
was that divine light infused in us
by special grace, which has made us not only
superior to the animal creation,
but even, if one may say so,
like God Himself.

When I read that, I knew I liked the book. That last statement, that we are 'like God Himself', may be a provocative one, but it's true. When I read it, I got mental image of God putting his fingerprints on us as He creates us...Breathing the breath of life into each of us. Giving us a piece of Himself. We each God in us.

As I read, I could see my sister writing, or drawing, whichever, next to me. And I could sense the God in her. I could sense the God in me. I could sense that each and every human has the fingerprints of God all over them...That we each have the characteristics of God. This may sound new agey...You know, the whole, "God is everything" concept, but that's not what I'm getting at.

What I mean is that creativity is a godly characteristic. When we create something beautiful, we are following the example of god...When we love someone, we are also following God's example.

Great, isn't it?

Rejection and Pastry

2007-07-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't make it into Cheaper By The Dozen. And surprisingly, I'm not all that disappointed about it. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I think it's because about 73 kids auditioned, and there were only 16 parts...I saw some really good actors there who didn't make it, so I don't feel like that big of a loser. I just want to get up and try again...Maybe even start something myself, although that sounds like a big project at the moment.

You may have read this already if you read my blog regularly, but about a week ago I posted something about the movie Ratatouille and said that I thought I might want to consider a career in the Culinary Arts...Baking and Pastry, specifically (I like desserts!). So I started requesting information at Culinary Arts Schools everywhere from Houston to NYC...And I got something in the mail from the Art Institute of Houston the other day inviting me to an open house in the Culinary Arts department on August 4. I wanted to go, of course, but mom wanted me to call and find out if they were having another one anytime soon, just in case it didn't work out on such short notice.

So I did...the lady let me know first of all that they would probably have another Open House in October, but that we could also schedule a private open house and a tour. But man, she was a talker...She told me a LOT of stuff and asked a lot of questions ("We can also schedule you a tour of student housing...unless you want to stay with a relative or something in the area, student housing is where you can live"; "What made you want to get into Baking & Pastry?"; "What year will you be entering?"). I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it...I love friendly people...it was just kind of entertaining because she got in so much information in about three minutes:-)

Audition.

2007-07-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, my mom, sister, brother, two friends and I went to see the play 'High School Musical. It was great...much better than the movie, in fact. So it really got me wanting to be in a play...I used to be involved in theater all the time, and I loved it. The atmosphere was great, and it was just something I really liked to do.

So I asked the lead actor in High School Musical if he knew of any upcoming auditions...And he told me that there was an audition for Cheaper By The Dozen about an hour away from where I live. He told me this this morning...and the auditions were TONIGHT!!!

I told mom about the audition, thinking it would be too much trouble to be in a play so far away, but she was all for the idea and took me, my sister, and my friend down the road, Bethany, to audition.

The audition was very interesting...it was so different than anything I've done before. At The Old Opera House, where I used to do plays, they would give you an audition sheet that was numbered, and you were supposed to go into a room with only a couple people watching you and read a part that they assign you beforehand. It was much more organized, and I like it better that way. The audition tonight, though, was very disorganized and...different. There was an auditorium with a lot of people, and they read scenes from a script, and you had to go onstage and stand in line to read for the part you wanted. They didn't ask you to do anything in particular at all...you just had to read for the part you wanted...it was so unusual...and then the director had each individual stand up onstage and she would just look at them, sizing them up...I guess she was taking notes on our appearance, and it was very unnerving, because it felt like everyone else in the place was doing the same ("I wonder if that cute guy over there notices my pudgy stomach!"). It was scary. It just felt weird, and the way I kind of just had to make it all happen for myself really threw me off...It was overwhelming.

I didn't do badly when I read...but I don't think I did any better than anyone else who read. Please pray that I get in, though...it's kind of important to me to be involved in something like this again. Actually, it's very important to me.

I should know by tomorrow morning, and the first read-thru is tomorrow night!

(So pray hard and fast!!! Hehe...)

This is Me Right Now

2007-07-20T23:39:00.002-07:00

I feel like a fool
So I'm going to stop troubling you
Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
or God forbid die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you

- Tegan and Sara

Post Script - Don't worry about me. Just feeling a little nostalgic.

Ice Cream and Chai Cake

2007-07-18T20:33:00.001-07:00

Recently, my mom, brother, sister and I went to West Virginia where we used to live for a two week visit. I had so much fun there, and we slid very well back into our old positions in our little circle of friends. I couldn't stand it the night we had to go...Couldn't take the thought of leaving WV again, so I decided that night, while laying in a dark room in a heap of some of my closest friends and listening to my best guy friend, Devan, play piano, that when I turned 18, I would come back to West Virginia and live there...maybe not forever, but at least for awhile.

It took me awhile to tell my mom about this plan, but when I did, she was less than thrilled. A lot less than thrilled.

This, to me, is one of the first signs that I'm really growing up. The fact that my mom actually took this plan seriously instead of waving it off as a phase that would pass really surprised me. She was actually upset about it...which could only mean that she believed me.

I decided that that was what I wanted to do, though. And so I put it in the back of my mind in the 'worry about it later' folder of the disorganized filing cabinet that serves as my brain. I am the kind of person that doesn't get excited or sad over something until it's looking at me right in the face. Apparently though, my mom isn't. It has been at the forefront of her mind, and stayed there, ever since I told her. And I didn't realize how much it bothered her until today.

We were watching Gilmore Girls today, and an episode came on about Rory (the seventeen year old daughter on the show) going off to Harvard, the school she has always wanted to attend. She is in her senior year of high school in this episode, and someone asks her mom, Lorelei, questions like, "What are you going to do with Rory's room when she leaves?" and it starts to hit Lorelei that Rory is really leaving soon...you can tell it's sort of a surprise of Lorelei, not because she didn't know it was coming, but because she didn't see it coming so fast!

Towards the end, my mom started tearing up and said, "Oh, I can't watch this episode!"

I asked her what was wrong, and she just shook her head and wouldn't tell me for a few minutes...

So when the show was done, she followed me into the dining room and hugged me, saying, "You can't go to Harvard!" (which, by the way, I'm not planning on...Harvard now, to mom, apparently represents any place that is more than five miles away from her).

She just cried and cried and wouldn't let go of me for a few minutes...and if I said, "I love you, Mom," it only made her cry even more. In the end, the only thing that resolved this sad issue was ice cream.

But I can tell that ice cream won't suffice for very long. Growing up is a sad thing. And a hard thing. I just hope it ends up being worthwhile.

Now for something a little bit happier to think about...A few days ago, after watching Ratatouille, I was looking through some cookbooks, and found a recipe for chai cake...

Now, if you know me, you know that you'll be hard pressed to find a thing that I love more than chai tea! I was so excited, I about had a seizure when I found this recipe!

So tonight I just randomly decided to make it.

It was good! Really good! We stayed up way late watching Gilmore Girls and eating Chai Cake...Boy was I a happy girl! lol

Ratatouille

2007-07-18T11:35:00.001-07:00

I went to see Ratatouille yesterday...I've heard that a lot of people don't like this movie. They say it's stupid or dumb, or at least not as good as they had hoped for. Now, I don't know if this is because of my amazing ability to appreciate the idiotic things in life, or because it is set in Paris, France (a place I am dying to go), but I LOVED this movie!!! It was amazing...the feel of it was great, the animation good, the character's body language was quite humanlike (at least I think so), and it inspired me to cook something!!

I've been wondering about someday taking classes at a Culinary Arts School...I'd love to learn how to cook really well...everyone would want to be my friend! (Hehe) And I think with the right education, I might not be half bad at it. Besides, I think it's fun! My friend Devan came down to visit last November, and we decided oneday we wanted to make a fancy Italian dinner. So the next day we made this gourmet, absolutely delicious italian meal...I forget what it was called but it was just some of those curly noodles with a really really really good sauce over them! We also made these little italian doughnut thingies. (Okay, I just realized that if I'm going to be good at cooking, I should probably start remembering the names of these things! lol) But it was just really good, and Devan and I had a lot of fun.

Mutant Cake and Birthday Sentiments

2007-07-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my sister's birthday!

She turned 14 years old yesterday at 5 am something...before she woke up.

About a week before her birthday, I decided I wanted to make her a cake...I had taken a cake decorating class at a homeschool co'op a few years before, and had a cake decorating kit I'd gotten for Christmas that same year. So I started planning it out, and asked Kaitlyn what kind of cake she wanted and what she wanted on it, etc., etc...

What she described to me sounded like a mutant cake...it was so weird. She couldn't seem to get straight what she wanted for about a day, but what came out ended up really nice.

I must say, it's not the perfect Martha Stewart sort of thing I imagined, but it's definitely better than I thought I could do! Not to mention, it tasted alright, too...

The top left picture is of me with the cake. Duh.

The other is a picture of Kaitlyn yesterday with a piece of the cake (I took her to the schoolyard down the road for a picnic kind of thingy).

Now, in honor of a certain 14 year old, I want to say a few things about Kaitlyn.

From the beginning, Kaitlyn has always been somewhat quiet. More quiet than I am, at any rate, and less likely to tell you what's really on her mind. I remember when I was little, I used to look at this darling little sister and think, "Why doesn't she ever talk?"

She has also always had a moody streak. We have home video of she and I at Christmas one year. I reached out and tried to take a present she considered hers, and immediately, her natural defense mechanisms were put into motion...She scrunched up her face and strarted shrieking (through the barrier of her binky, I might add) at the top of her lungs!!!

She still has these characteristics today! They are two things I hate about her, and love about her at the same time.

We have always been good friends and playmates, but here in these past few years, Kaitlyn and I have become best friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way...She is always there to talk to me, and I can tell her just about anything. It's amazing to have someone so much like you and yet so very different at the same time to be your friend. It's amazing to have someone that you are so in sync with that sometimes, at a time when it would be inappropriate to laugh, you have to avoid looking at that person because you know that if you do, you will be able to tell by the look in their eyes that you both thought it was funny, and then there's no hope for you. You're going to laugh, and you're going to laugh hard. It's great to have someone who will say your thought aloud while you're still thinking it because you're so much on the same wavelength that you think the same things at the same time. It's great to have someone to laugh with when no one else thinks something is funny. It's great to have your own dorky inside jokes. It's great to watch chick flicks together. It's great to have someone to go dance in the rain with. It's great to have a sister.

People have always mistaken us for twins...and it's no wonder. We really are like twins born two years apart...it's amazing.

I love her so much, and I don't know what I would do without her.

Kaitlyn, you my rock, girl!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

2007-07-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night to celebrate my sister's birthday.

The outing itself was just so much fun...We rode into the city singing along with all our teen angst music, then went to Pizza Hut, and Marble Slab Creamery...I love ice cream!!!

After that we headed over to the theater about an hour and a half early...which somehow turned out not to feel like too long of a wait...We got really good seats and my friend Bethany and I walked around the theater and hung out in the arcade for awhile.

The movie was spectacular...I liked it a lot. I do have a few complaints, though.

They left out SOOOO much stuff that was in the book. I think I can understand why, because the book was very long, and the movie was already 2 1/2 hours long without all the extra stuff, but still...there were a few things that I was really looking forward to seeing! Also, the scenes were very short, and things did not happen in the same order that they happened in the book. They did not go into much detail about certain things that I would like to be more clear - at least as clear as it was in the book; Some characters were not nearly as developed in the movie as they were in the book, which I disliked. Like I said, though, I really appreciated the movie as a movie by itself and as part of the movie series.

I still love the twins, Fred and George. So many of the people have changed so much in the movies! Their appearance for the most part. Fred and George have changed a lot...Professor Lupin has changed slightly.

I can't really say anything else because I would probably end up giving away something about the movie...but trust me, it was good!

I really love the character's clothes...I know it sounds strange, but I have an obsession with winter clothes and hats and scarves and sweaters and such. I love the 'London style' as I refer to it, and they have a lot of that in the movie.

Something else I liked in the movie is that one of the professors gave open examples of how things often are in public school. This person said something along the lines of, "You will know enough to pass your exams, which, after all, is what school is all about!" When she said that my mom and I looked at each other and shared a silent giggle, because it's something we talk about and observe a lot. It's so true! In today's public school system, that is so often the way people think of it. You don't need to know it if it's not on the test, right?

So right now, as far as the movies go...I think I'm torn between the fourth and fifth. There's something about the fourth that I just really liked...No idea why...there were so many cute guys in that one, but I think it also just brings back some good memories. I went to see that with a big group of my friends in West Virginia after rehearsal for a play. It was grand! (Did I just say grand? How peculiar...Hehe!)

I can't WAIT for the sixth to come out. The book was amazing. The fifth book was pretty good, but when the sixth movie comes out, I'm throwing a party!!!

Shaving Cream, and The Great Yellow Woodbee

2007-07-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

This morning, while I was literally still asleep and in the middle of my dreams, I found myself on my feet and yelling, "What's wrong with you???"The reason? I've been staying at my cousin's house for the past five days or so, and this morning, my 20 year old cousin, Caleb, snuck into the room where my sister and I were sleeping and squirted shaving cream in our hair. It was quite a brutal wake up call...But I think the reason I reacted so dramatically is because what he did was somehow incorporated into my dream...I don't remember how, but for some reason it made the shaving cream incident worse than it really was in my mind, lol...

The next thing I heard was his mega-deep voice saying, "I didn't mean to make you mad." The first thing that came to my mind when he said that was, 'WELL WHAT DID YOU INTEND TO DO??? MAKE ME HAPPY???"

I found the incident a tad more humorous when I became more awake...and my Aunt informed me that that morning he had been telling her he wanted to say goodbye and that he was going to miss us when we left later on that day. I guess shaving cream was his way of waking us up to say goodbye without making the whole thing too mushy...But come on, Caleb...couldn't you think of any other creative ways to wake us up without making us want to murder you? lol

My male cousins are very mischevious, and both of them lack impulse control. They are SO much fun to be around (although they can be very irritating at times). Last time we visited, my cousin Austin (my age, 16) ran down the road with my underwear, and then made up a story about how he accidentally got them stuck in a tree! Then the other day, while we were on a walk, Caleb pulled up in his car, and six kids (five of whom were growing teenagers) piled into his car. Of course, I only got in the car on the condition that he would take us right home, because we couldn't wear seat belts. But nooooo...In spite of my incessant protesting, he kidnapped us and took us to the side of a cliff. Yeah. A cliff. Of course, there was a beautiful view, but the end only barely justified the means!

Geez. They're something else.

On the way home today, I got even worse of a start when we were riding home, singing along with happy songs on the radio, and suddenly out of nowhere a small yellow plane flies down UNDER the power line, and dips down about five to ten feet above the road right in front of us! No joke! It was the weirdest thing ever...We all screamed!

THEN we looked up in the sky and saw it coming back towards us! That was freaky! I was like, "STEP ON IT! BEFORE THE AIRPLANE ATTACKS US AGAIN!!!"

Can you believe it? An airplane of all things. We almost had a car accident. With an airplane.

Now not many people can say that.

What You See is NOT What You Get (Rant)

2007-07-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

Recently I've had a 'friend' that has/had a crush on me say, "What you see is what you get with me. No secrets." He would say this whenever I told him I didn't know him well enough to go out with him, and I just wanted to get to know him better.

This annoyed me for two reasons.

1) It was like he was trying to convince me to go out with him even though I told him I wanted to get to know him better. I just wanted to say, 'I said no. I said I wanted to get to know you better. That's that.'

2) That is not true. Not with him, and not with anybody. Ever.

I am a pretty real and upfront person. Of course I will go heavy on the sugar if I'm trying to make a good impression, and yes, I can be sort of a chameleon, changing the way I act with different people...however, I do this no more than any other person. I really do try to be the same person around everyone, even if little things change.

BUT no matter how 'real' I am, that doesn't change the fact that you might like me a lot when you first meet me, thinking you know me, then really get to know me and realize I'm a completely different person than you thought I was. Capisce? You can never really know anybody by meeting them once, and unless you're talking about a complete idiot with no depth or personality whatsoever, what you see is NEVER what you get. If that were true, then what you knew about a person would be defined by what kind of clothes they wore, what kind of haircut they had, their dimples, their freckles, and their eye color. I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

This guy doesn't seem to understand that there are more important things than how someone first appears. ANYONE can make a good impression for a couple of weeks or a month or even years! That's why it's best to get to know someone in all different kinds of settings so you can see what kind of person they really are in all situations. I can't meet someone and take a look at them and know about their deepest heartache or their worst experiences or their dreams or life goals or happiest moments or beliefs and convictions! What you see is NOT what you get. It is NEVER what you get.

Often someone that looks like an idiot you would never want to associate with can turn out to be quite smart and have real opinions about things. You just have to spend time getting to know them and talking to them. These are things you learn about a person only through time and friendship. I don't see how anyone could be shallow enough to say something like, 'What you see is what you get.' I understand the principal behind it, and I might use that phrase about somebody else sometimes, because I know some people that are just nice enough that it really would apply to them (even though it's not entirely true) for the most part; Because they are just nice people. But to say it about yourself to get someone to go out with you is just awful.

And just to let you know...The guy that said that initially proved my point. I thought he was a really nice guy at first and didn't want to hurt his feelings. In fact, I thought he was so nice that I really considered saying yes. But I'm so glad I didn't. I stuck to my resolution to get to know him better, and in spite of what he said, after some time, his real colors started to show, and he's not nearly as nice as I thought he was.

So yeah. What you see is NEVER what you get with anyone. People can be married for years and still not know each other completely. Every once in awhile my dad will tell us about something that happened to him and my mom will go, "Really? I didn't know that." They've known each other for nineteen years and still don't know everything there is to know about each other! How can they? We don't even know ourselves completely. The only one who can know us completely is God.

The Mudhole

2007-07-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

I have been going through a very confusing, hard time lately.

I feel heartbroken over things that happened a long time ago. I'm feeling things I thought I would never feel again...Things I was doing such a good job at warding off. I've become SUCH a happy person. I mean genuinely happy. And SO hopeful. I have so much hope for the future. But in these past few days I've just been so sad and sluggish. I finally let all these negative feelings catch up with me, and trust me, it stinks. A lot.

I think the reason I've been so vulnerable to these feelings lately is that I'm further away from God than I have been in a long while. I don't know exactly the cause. But I feel so distracted...so unwilling to surrender. It's like there's an anti-Kendra forcefield around my Bible. I'm not kidding.

But you know what's weird? It's that I feel SO far from God, and yet I feel Him so close to me at the same time. I feel like I'm sitting in a mudhole. Tired of seeking God out. Opting instead for the pit of my own self-pity; And yet instead of running further away, telling me to get back up and chase Him even though I'm exhausted, God stops, sits down in the mud with me, and starts to teach me. He starts to talk to me, and tell me things about Himself. I never lift my head. Never let Him know that I'm listening. But He knows I am, and so He keeps teaching. Keeps talking. And I keep learning.

I love God so much. He's amazing. I wish I didn't feel so washed out.

Some Speculations About Having a 'Love Life'

2007-06-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

1. You can be perfectly happy, positive, and content with the way things are, and then suddenly, BAM!!!! You have a love life.

2. You do not have to have a 'significant other' in order to have a love life. In fact, now that I think of it, you don't even need to LIKE anyone in order to have a love life. All that is required for you to have a love life is for someone to like you!

3. They're like car accidents. They're awful, sometimes hurt you very badly, and happen out of nowhere.

4. It's better not to have one. Especially at my age. 'Love' is too complicated.

5. No matter whether you LIKE having one or not, you are strangely drawn and sucked into them. It really stinks.

These are things I have recently learned. I did not do anything to have a love life, and yet suddenly, where before there was chai tea, Christmas and jazz, there are just too many thoughts. Too much drama. I wish I didn't have to worry about it, but I feel like I've been launched into the game and there's no way to get out...

Grr.

So If You're Lonely, Why'd You Say You're Not Lonely? (The Sequel/Followup)

2007-06-15T21:48:00.001-07:00

If you scroll down and read my post, 'So If You're Lonely, Why'd You Say You're Not Lonely', you'll find that while it is very sweet, it is also very idealistic...Which actually reflects quite well on who I really am. An idealist. But maybe that's just because I'm young and I think I have it all figured out.

Recently I've realized that while what I said in that entry was very right and accurate and I should follow my own advice, it's not as easy as it looks. Not at all. I wrote that entry under the impression that it would be a breeze to open up and share my feelings...that there was nothing stopping me but myself. And in a sense I was right. But really, there are so many reasons for not saying what's on your mind, and the biggest one is usually that you're afraid. Afraid of what will happen if you let the truth come out. Afraid of what your words could do. Doesn't the Bible say that the tongue is a double-edged sword? I guess when I wrote that entry, I thought people who wouldn't open up were wimps and had no real reason to hide...but since then I've become one of those wimps, and I've realized that opening up puts you in a very vulnerable position.

Recently I've had many more opportunities to share my feelings, and this is because someone has feelings for me. At first it was flattering, but now it's become quite overwhelming. There's something about having the power to break someone's heart that just terrifies me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. For the past year, I've become very used to being in the background. I like being able to just live my life and none of my actions having any effect on those around me, because none of them have really cared that much about what I thought about them until now, you know? I don't know how to put into words what I'm thinking...But I don't like being too close for comfort, and I don't like people feeling too close to me...at least not in a romantic way. I'm sure oneday I'll want that with the right guy, but right now I'm just not ready! I guess you could say I've gotten used to keeping people at arms distance since my family decided we were going to move. I don't know how to accurately convey what I'm feeling, but I do know that I wouldn't be able to do it even this well unless it were on the internet.

Today this certain person that has feelings for me suggested we go outside and sit on the porch together. I knew, considering the fact that I don't want any romantic involvement right now that it would be a bad idea, but I decided to go anyway. I sat there on the swing next to him, thinking intensely about all the things I need to tell him...a million things were going through my head, and a million things were wrong. Suddenly he asked, "Is everything alright?" (He's not a dumb guy at all).

I looked at him, wondering if I should just tell him what was on my mind. But guess what? I was afraid. So I gave him a weak nod and an, "Mm hm." And left it at that.

"Okay," he said. "Just checking."

I felt stupid afterwards...thinking about how I should have just told him what was on my mind. How I should have lived up to my own high standards. But I guess those standards are a LOT harder to live up to than I thought.

Hair.

2007-05-27T18:25:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone...

I have had a great last couple of days. My Uncle Brent came to visit for the weekend on Thursday, and we've been having a lot of fun with him...He provides great conversations, and lots of opportunities for artistic growth. He's an artist himself, and a pretty good musician...These are both things I'm interested in, so yesterday we focused on the piano for awhile, and today he sat down with us and taught us a drawing technique. It's really cool to have him around:-)

Yesterday we went to our co'op's End of the Year program. I was picked a few days ago to go up on stage and give a speech. I gave a speech that was based on my true beauty essay a few posts down. People liked it...I prayed and God gave me peace and I was able to deliver it without melting, hehe...

Guess what I did today??? I cut/trimmed my own hair!!! There was something very liberating about it...If you guys know me, you know that I have a lot of beliefs. One of my beliefs is that most things about our society are designed to condition us to be obedient. To follow orders without question, and not ever do things ourselves, or even try. So for a couple weeks I've been looking at my hair thinking, "Geez, I really need to get this trimmed..." And so after my shower today, I just did it myself. It was so cool! I know this is going to sound juvenile, but it was like I was saying, "See? I can do things myself...I don't have to pay $20 for a haircut! You're NOT going to force me into submission!!!" (To who was I saying this to? I don't know. Everyone I guess.) Or maybe I was just in an experimental mood, lol...Because later on I ran red marker along the ends of my hair. It looks pretty good, if you ask me...

So yeah, that's what's been going on lately. Rebellion in the smallest form.

So If You're Lonely, Why'd You Say You're Not Lonely?

2007-05-22T19:40:00.001-07:00

Why do humans have to make things so complicated? I don't think anyone can deny that it's human nature to complicate things that do not need to be complicated.
If we are upset and someone asks us about it, usually our first response is, "I'm fine." We don't want anyone to know that there's anything wrong...Ever. Why? I'm not saying we should all become emotional basketcases and get upset all the time and make sure everyone knows about it...that's not pleasant, either.
But why do we have to lie? Is it because we don't want to expose our vulnerabilities? Are we embarrassed that we even have them? EVERYONE has vulnerabilities.
The other night at youth group, I almost didn't share something that was going on in my life because it's the natural thing to do to just act like everything's alright. We can never let things get too serious. We always have to be happy, and no one can ever know about our secret sorrows or the things that cause us pain.
I was talking to my friend about this in relation to love the other day. Here is something he said:
"When a child likes someone, he picks her a flower, brings it to her, and says, 'I like you', and she says, 'I like you too.' It's simple. The Bible says to approach the kingdom of God as children...I think He meant for us to approach life that way, too."
I really like that idea. Why can't we just admit it when we like or love someone? I love the beautiful simplicity of it...
Telling someone about your feelings for them. What a novel idea.
Okay, so maybe it's not the right time or place or anything like that...maybe God is saying to wait. That's fine. But still, why does it have to be so complicated? Does love have to be something we're all ashamed of and try to cover up?
Does emotion itself have to be something we're ashamed of? Everyone has feelings...so why are we embarrassed by them?

It reminds me of the song, 'Stained Glass Masquerade' -

"Are we happy plastic people under a shiny plastic steeple - with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain..."

That's just a part of that song (which is magnificent by the way), but it's amazing. Why do we feel the need to be happy all the time? To be plastic and predictable...to never feel hurt?
Just think about the things you do...instead of automatically excluding the idea of simplicity, think about WHY you won't allow yourself to do a certain thing...Is God actually saying this or that, or is it just your human nature complicating things and shutting people out?
Anyway...I think I've made my point by now. I'm tired. That means rambling.
Goodnight!!!

You Mean the World to Me

2007-05-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

The only reason I got up as early as I did yesterday morning was because my mom woke me up saying, "We have warm blueberry muffins in the kitchen!"
My sister and I stumbled out into the kitchen and sat at the island eating our muffins sleepily.
That's when my dad came up beheind us and started hugging us, and said, "I love you girls."
Then he stood up and stood across from us on the other side of the island. "I love you girls a lot," he said. "Well, a little anyway," he teased. Then smiling, "No really, I love you girls a lot. And I want you to guard your...what's the word...What's that word, Julie?" When he said this, he reminded me of my Papa, who always wanted the right word. Even when he had a brain tumor and he couldn't remember any word he wanted, he always wanted his speech to be perfect, and apologized incessantly when he couldn't find the right word.
"Innocence?" Mom suggested.
"Yeah that..." he said. "And also your...virtue." I could tell he was 'settling' by using the word virtue, because he couldn't find the right one. "So I got you girls something to remind you." Just then he pulled out two beautiful little jewelry boxes. The one he laid in front of me was pastel blue with a pretty little blue ribbon tied around it. My sister's was the same except it was light pink instead. We opened the boxes, and in mine was a silver necklace with a silver heart shaped charm on the end of it, which had a keyhole in the middle and pink little stones aroud the edge. Next to it was a key, which also had pink stones on it. My sister's was the same, except that it had light purple stones.
"Now I want you girls to keep these necklaces," he said. "And I'm going to keep the key, and on your wedding day, I'm going to give the key to your husband."
Then he put the necklaces on us himself. Now this was truly an effort for him, because as my mom describes it, it's like he 'has big toes for fingers'. =D
My sister and I were awestruck...Not that we don't think our dad loves us...It's just that he has a unique love language. He shows us he loves us by giving to us, and by talking to us. He tells us he loves us as well, but just the fact that he would put so much thought and romance into something like this was amazing.
I truly appreciate this gift...It is a wonderful one, because he didn't just shove some necklaces at us and have it be a gift...He showed us that he truly loved us with a gift that had more substance than material worth. I will always keep this necklace and wear it as often as possible...I will always keep this memory treasured in my heart...and if my Dad leaves this earth before Jesus comes back (and for that matter, if he leaves it before I do) I will always have that memory and the knowledge that he loves me. I hope I can give him a gift someday with as much worth as that.
I love you so much, Daddy! Thank you!

PS - He eventually found the word he wanted. It was 'purity'=D

Goodbye, Goodbye

2007-05-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

I think I have posted things about this before, but what the heck.
I am sad right now. I'm listening to 'Photograph' by Nickelback. It's a good song (or I think it's a good song at least, Devan), but every time I listen to it, it just reminds me of what I've lost...It reminds me that I have to grow older, and that things have already changed radically, and they will just keep changing from here on out.

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up

When we visited WV in November, we drove by our old house just about the first day we were there. In just six months, it had already changed so much...not in a bad way, but it was just different. I found it amazing that it wasn't MY house anymore. We couldn't just pull up in the driveway, get out, bring our friends out to the trampoline or unload groceries.
It's not our house. And it looks smaller than it used to.

Remember the old arcade
blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down

Bad things happen. Places change. Last summer while I was living in an apartment here in Texas, I was talking to my friend from WV on the phone, and they told me that Berkeley Plaza, the theater we used to always go to with friends, had burnt down. It just makes you realize that even if things stay the same in your memory, and no matter how sacred a place may be to you, it will always be developed and redeveloped. Things will be torn down...accidents will happen. And things don't stay the same.

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we'd know

I remember belting it out with friends in the backseat...on the way home from a concert, listening to rock music, two of my friends chattering away like the hyper baffoons that they are, and me about to fall asleep...On the way home from summer camp, singing "The Song that Doesn't End" till the adults wanted to kill us. My friends telling me I should audition for American Idol. Always planning to start a rock band, but never actually starting one. Listening to Justin and Dillon and Cody and Devan play in the band, belting out songs about inside jokes and chicken nuggets...
Having one last dance.

Kim's the First Girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since God knows when

I remember the first time I felt like I was in love with a boy. At the drive in I sat out on the grass on a blanket while it rained...Even though everyone else was huddled in their cars, he came out with an umbrella and sat next to me while we watched a very kissy movie...I was so nervous sitting next to him with that blanket pulled up around my ears. I was completely stiff. I didn't want him to see me blushing during the kissing parts. We both just sat still, and didn't say much to each other. I didn't know he liked me then, but by the end of the summer, we were a couple.
We kissed for the first time at his 14th birthday party around a bonfire. It was the first time I had ever kissed anyone.
Things didn't work out between us, obviously. This is going to sound quite pessimistic, but I'd bet that we will both grow up, get married to other people, and have kids...
I don't like him anymore, but I'll never forget him.

I couldn't. You don't forget your first true friends...your first love...your first kiss, or your first hometown. You don't forget the places that meant something to you. The places you spent time with your friends. You just don't forget things like that.
It's painful right now, remembering it, and knowing that while I may have more joy ahead of me, and I'm still in the golden years, that chapter of my life is closed.
Forever.
I will still keep contact with some of my friends...there are some friends that I want to stay close to until I die, no matter where I live. But I live in a different place now. People die. Buildings burn down. Couples break up. People move away. Things change.
I hope I don't depress any of you with this. That wasn't my intention. I love you guys!!! I'm just pondering some things...

It's hard to say
It's time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

Beauty

2007-05-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

When you're a little girl, no one has to tell you you're beautiful. You know it. It's a part of who you are. I remember when I was little, I would play around and pretend I was a princess and any old boy that came along could be my prince. If I recall correctly, I also thought I was pretty darn gorgeous. Basically I was a little party girl, and we have pictures to prove it.

Somewhere along the line, that changes. You get older and more self-conscious...then your first real crush decides he doesn't like you and calls you a freak. Suddenly you're unbeautiful, and you feel lost. You want to know what beauty is and how you can achieve it. You want to know how you spent your whole life never knowing you were a hideous pig that no one liked.

That's when American culture swoops in on its vulnerable prey. It offers you a solution to your 'ugly' problem. "If you're slim enough, he'll like you!" "If you buy this makeup, you'll be pretty!" "If you wear this type of clothes, he'll want to go out with you!" You buy into it, not knowing that beauty cannot be defined, and even if you look like Angelina Jolie, not everyone is going to faint in your presence.

You want to be pretty, so you do whatever you can. Even if that means starving yourself or throwing up your food after you're done eating it, or popping dietting pills.

It doesn't end there, either.

You have to match up the color of your eyes to the color of eyeshadow that would best bring out the color. You have to find the right top for the kind of top to go with your body shape ('Are you slim, pear shaped, or curvy?'). You have to go to the store and buy a tshirt, just HOPING that it doesn't show up in TeenPeople on a 'What Not to Wear' list. And because beauty is based on perception, one person might say purple goes best with green eyes, and someone else might say blue. What are you to do then? Geez-o-pete, that's a catastrophe...You mean there isn't a set answer for these kinds of things??? Is it purple or blue, come on people!!!

Did you know that in the early 1900s, it was considered beautiful to be of larger size? Yeah, that's right, LARGER size. Things changed in maybe the 20s, when you were supposed to have a sort of boyish figure. Then came Marilyn Monroe...Suddenly 'big' isn't so bad anymore. You have to have boobs, like her. And in order to have boobs, you have to have a little meat on your bones. You know what the standard is now? A mixture of both. It's 'beautiful' to not only have huge boobs, but a really tiny body. Good lord, how are people supposed to keep up???

You want to know something even more 'bizarre'? I was reading in a magazine the other day that in some country in Africa, it's considered beautiful to color your teeth black and put a big clay disc in your bottom lip. No lies.

Want to know something else? Did you know that if a woman had a neck as small as Barbie's, it wouldn't be strong enough to hold up her neck? If she had a waist as small as Barbie's, it wouldn't be strong enough to support her huge chest? And if someone had feet as small as Barbie's they wouldn't be able to walk?

The point of all this? Beauty is based on perception. If a guy doesn't like you for who you are, who cares? Find someone that does, but always be yourself. Someday, someone's going to come along that things you're the most gorgeous thing on the planet, no matter how much you weigh or what your hair looks like or what kind of clothes you wear. Why would you want to miss him because you're too busy barfing up your lunch for Mr. Arrogant???

"Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder."

God: Male or Female?

2007-05-22T12:58:00.000-07:00

I was just talking to a woman who said that God is a male and that anyone who thinks differently is not thinking straight. I think that is VERY narrow minded.
Now I know, people may say the same thing about me simply for believing there is only one way to God...but I believe that because the Bible says that Jesus is the only way to the Father.
Now listen...I don't believe that God is a woman, either. I believe that He is neither. He is above gender, because He created gender. When you are born, you are born male or female because of your sex organs. God was never born...He has always been and always will be. And I'm sorry to be crude, but are we trying to say that God has what we use to identify whether a being is male or female? Think about how silly that is. He's God. He is the one that created man...He is NOT a man! He is the one that created woman...He is NOT a woman! He is above all that.
We need to once and for all STOP bringing God down to our level. Stop seeing Him as one of us. He is above all of that. He is mind-boggling and impossible to understand. So STOP trying to understand Him and just LOVE Him!
A quick note: Yes, I know that we call God our Father. I believe that God has more masculine qualities, and I believe God gives Himself a masculine persona in the Bible and calls Himself Father so that it will be easier for us to understand...but these things are beyond our comprehension, and we need to realize that. I think that Wisdom is realizing that you don't know anything. Another reason I believe God calls Himself our Father is so that we will come to see ourselves as His children, and see His loving arms as a place of safety, the way we do our earthly fathers.
I hope no one is offended by this blog. Disagree with me if you want...I'll still be your friend, and I hope you'll still be mine...but don't tell me I'm not thinking straight if I don't agree. If I have ever done anything like this to any of you, I'm sorry. I never want to treat anyone as inferior to me for not believing the same way I do. I think I have done this inadvertently before, and I feel terrible about it...Please forgive me!

God Cannot Be Defined

2007-02-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make.
I am confused about God and His character.
I know a few solid things about Him...He is faithful. He is good. He is all-powerful. But what is He?
Just when I think He is something, He becomes everything, and I struggle to understand how and why and where from.
It is evident from looking at the world around us and everything He has created that He is very diverse, with many different angles and aspects and parts of Him...But God cannot be just one personality, because if he were, He couldn't have created all the personalities we see today.
So if He is not just one thing, what is He? How do you describe God?
He is not a concept, and yet He created concept.
He is not a human, and yet saying He is a spirit gives Him limits, which is not possible.
That's just what I am trying to say...There is no way to limit God, and that is exactly what it is to describe someone or give them a label. Limit them. Put them in a box and expect only certain things from them. It does not work on the God of the Universe - the God of things beyond the limits of the Universe - the God of things we do not know.
He is the God of intellectuals and eccentrics and little old church ladies and boy-crazy teenage girls and girl-crazy teenage boys and missionaries and pastors andn terrorists and rapists - and He made them all and loves them all. They are all so different, and yet He is the God of them all.
I guess one of my biggest issues about God is the fact that He doesn't hate or even dislike any person. I am a loving person, and I don't hate anyone, yet I will admit that there are people I cannot stnad or that are very very different from myself. How can God relate to all of them as He relates to me? Everyone has someone or some type of person that they don't like. Some lifestyle that drives them nuts. How can God be my God and yet be the God of Margaret, who lives in a nudist colony and eats only sushi? How?
I constantly bring God down to my level and ask Him to explain Himself, and yet He never does...I don't have to understand, I just have to trust, and I guess that's where my problem is. I keep trying to understand Him instead of trust Him. I want to give Him an exact definition - I want to be able to give the answer to Who, What, When Where, and Why. I want Him to be small enough for me to comprehend - the way I comprehend my siblings and develop certain tactics that I know will work on each of them. How do I trick one who is omnicient? How do I have the advantage over the God who knows all things - including my heart and mind and the depths of my soul and my deepest longings - the things I don't care to admit are even a part of me - my past, present, and future - Not only the me that I believe I can define, but the me that lies beneath the surface - the me which I do not know and the me that would frighten me if I knew she were even there?
Who?
What?
When?
Where?
Why?
How do you pinpoint Him that has no beginning?
I think many of the things we know about God (such as the fact that 'He' is a 'Him') are the things that God allows us to believe because we are so limited by language, He allows us to call Him 'He' and gives Himself a name ('God') because He knows we will ask the little questions I am asking now. "If God is not a man and He is not a woman, what is He? And what should we call Him when we talk about Him, if not 'he' or 'she'?" And, "What do we call Him?"
He knows that it would blow our little minds if He revealed what He is, or even if He gave us a new set of terms to define Him that are different from the specifications we use to describe whether a being is male or female.
The more I ponder these things, the more I realize that it is impossible to define God. As I said earlier, to define or label someone is to limit them. We can try to define God as much as we want to, but One such as Him cannot be confined by such things. He cannot be confined by anything!!! Humans torture each other with labels and definitions and political correctness and limitations and laws and social rankings...But God is not human. He made us and therefore we submit to Him, He does not submit to us.
It is stupid enough for us to place these limitations on ourselves and each other, but GOD??? Submitting to a HUMAN standard? Give me a break.

New Blog!!!

2007-02-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

In the book "Boy Meets Girl - Say hello to Courtship!", Joshua Harris (the author) shows three 'tricks' humans use to make themselves feel innocent, like they are somehow worthy of God's forgiveness instead of accepting the simple truth that they are evil down to the very core, and that the only way they are forgiven is through Christ and His sacrifice.

Minimizing Sin - People love to minimize their sin. Laugh it off...say they were 'wild' when they were young instead of that they were sinful. Make it seem so trivial that it seems like it's no wonder God forgave it.
Ignoring Holiness - This is when people bring God down to their level. You know...Act like God is as tolerant of sin as we are. Like God is laughing with us when we laugh off sin. Sin is sin. 1 Peter 1:15-16 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, "You must be holy because I am holy." (NLT)
Living Self-Righteously - This is the 'guilt remover' I am most guilty of. After the mistakes I've made in my past, I became close to God and vowed that I would never do those things again. I became very holy in my own eyes - I saw myself as the 'good kid' that most adults make me out to be. The one who would never do anything wrong. I loved that title and wore it proudly, sometimes even talking self-righteously to my friends that did things I did not approve of, or that I knew God wouldn't approve of. I don't believe it is a bad thing to know that something is wrong, but to act like you are 'above' someone else because they do something wrong is also WRONG!!! I guess for some reason I thought that because I was a good girl when I wasn't being tempted, I was completely capable of being a good girl all the time. Well, I was wrong. I still can't pinpoint a major sin, but lately I have been sinking back into some of my old habits, and I have known that I was wrong to do them. "Who I am hate who I've been" has become my theme song, and because of that, I have started to not only hate what I've been, but love what I become, and I shouldn't.

I thank God for this reality check. He has showed me to never love myself, because I will ALWAYS be a sinner...not a sinner who miraculously re-earned her spot in God's Kingdom, but a sinner to whom the miraculous gift of Grace has been given.

Now I want to put in an excerpt from 'Boy Meets Girl', which is actually an excerpt from another book, called 'When God Weeps', by Steven Estes and Joni Eareckson Tada. This is amazing guys...don't stop reading.

The face that Moses had begged to see - was forbidden to see - was slapped bloody (Exodus 33:19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around his own brow....

"On your back with you!" One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier's heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do "all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). The victim wills that the soldier live on - he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.

As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm - the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless - the nerves perform exquisitely. "Up you go!" The lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor begins to waft, not around his nose, but His heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being - the living excrement from our souls. The apple of His Father's eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face His father like this! From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes His mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped - murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten - fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk - you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp - buying politicians, pracitcing exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves - relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?"

Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.

The Father watches as His heart's treasure, the mirror image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

"Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!"

But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.

The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom He loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

2007-02-19T13:32:00.000-08:00

I recently finished reading 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye'.
It was God that initially asked me to read it, but He asked me through my friends.
Three of them mentioned the book, (singing its praises) within a few weeks! I took this is as a hint from God that He might want me to read it, and so one morning I sat down to read it and couldn't put it down. I finally forced myself to so that I could do my chores, and I walked out into the kitchen to my mom yelling, "Kendra! I kissed dating goodbye is on the radio!!!" What she meant was that they were re-airing a radio interview with the author of the book!
I couldn't believe it!!! I had JUST been reading it...On top of all my friends recommending it, now THIS???
Of course, I read it within a week, and I loved it.
It emphasizes Courtship, which according to Joshua Harris, is a time for a 'couple' to deepen their friendship, grow in the Lord together, see how they react together as a couple, and test the possibility of marriage.
Now that may sound very serious, and I guess it is.
Joshua Harris says in the book that you shouldn't pursue a romantic relationship unless you're ready to get married.
At first that sound threatening, and I didn't receive it well at first. But thinking about it some more, I think it really is quite an inspirational statement. I mean, it makes you WANT to be ready for marriage, and so it motivates you to treat others with more kindness, respect, and love. It also motivates you to become more efficient as far as running a household. I hate chores just like everyone else, but now I see a purpose in them...I'm preparing myself for the day when I run a household of my own!
I've also realized that if I'm going to be ready to be married, I need to have a firm foundation in Christ. I love Jesus, but I am not as devoted as I ought to be.
It's just a spectacular book, and if you are a teenager, you ought to read it...it's excellent.
I really believe (especially since God so obviously shoved it in my face) that He wants me to follow the concepts introduced in the book...and I am willing.
Now I'm reading, "Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship!"
Do you want to know something? While we're on the subject of marriage and all that good stuff, I just think I ought to share that I've NEVER had a good dream about getting married. Never. At least not to my knowledge. In all of them, I'm scared to death, or wanting to run away, or calling off the wedding. It's awful!

Hello Everyone!

2007-02-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

Hey Guys! My name is Kendra. Right now, I'm almost sixteen years old.
I am a Christian...That is the most important thing about me. My God is everything, and I love Him so much! I screw up WAY too much, but He always forgives me, and He picks me up, and He helps me do so much better than I could possibly dream of doing on my own. He's blessed me beyond imagination, and I love Him for it!!!
Besides that, even if He never blesses me again, He sent His son to die for me...Isn't that enough?
I am into the arts. That's not to say I'm any good at them! I like to write, draw, play piano, sing, act, and just make things! I love to use my abilities and skills for God's glory. I don't do it nearly as often as I ought to, but when I get up onstage to sing, and I ask Him to work through me, He answers my prayers in flying colors...I sound better than I would if I just did it for fun.
There's so much more I want to say, but right now my family is watching, "I Love Lucy", and I want to go watch it with them...so...
BYE!