Here I Am Again.

I'd like to start blogging more often.

I used to blog all the time, and now my posts are few and far between.

I've spent the last 2 and a half months visiting my boyfriend (Jacob<3) in Texas. It was a great experience. I became closer to him than I've ever been with a boyfriend (or basically anyone else for that matter). It was rough at different points...I've never lived with anyone outside of my family for so long or been so comfortable with someone. Both Jacob and I are extremely passionate people...which is great in a relationship....until it comes to arguments. Naturally, there was a lot of fighting involved, haha =) But now we know and love each other better than ever.

A few things I've learned about my boyfriend this summer:

1) He likes to explain things thoroughly.

2) He likes to be sufficiently caffeinated at all times.

3) He LOVES sleeping in. (I HATE sleeping in. Needless to say, this was a point of discord between us often.)

4) He likes to try new combinations of food and drink. And he's very good at it =) He makes plain foods very tasty just by adding a little something extra to it...usually something you wouldn't expect.

5) He's extremely strong-willed and likes to have his way. (I am also very strong-willed and like to have my way. Another point of discord.)

6) When he can't find the word he wants, he makes a really cute face, yells something hilarious, and runs away like a little boy =P

7) He used to smoke like a chimney...But he's quitting, and I'm VERY proud of him for that =)

8) He's good at writing.

9) He's a very talented musician.

10) He likes to play his music LOUDLY; and that's not all. The majority of the music he listens to is loud anyway. This irritates me to no end.

11) He's very protective, which I love.

12) He's extremely funny, and says the most random things!

13) He has very attractive muscles...

14) He likes to call me 'honey child'=)

I've learned a lot more about him than just these things...but these are the first things that came to mind =) Basically, I love that boy VERY much, and I miss him all the time...

A few other things that are going on in my life...

In August, I'm starting college. I'm very excited about this for many reasons. It gives me a lot of independence, it gives me something to work on/work towards, and it's just exciting in general! College life is something I've been looking forward to for years. And the school I'll be attending always has a lot of really neat, artsy activities on campus. When I was about 15, I attended a Chinese New Year's dinner they hosted on campus =) Those are the kinds of things I can't wait for. This semester, I'll be taking Economics, Biology, Math, Art, and Philosophy.

There is also a sense of pride that comes with going to college. My family is proud of me, for one. But also, I've always felt (perhaps irrationally) that people think I'm going to throw my life away. By going to college, I sort of feel like I'm winning an unspoken battle that I've been fighting to prove that I won't settle for mediocrity...that I won't act only on impulse and go live in a tent somewhere because I just don't feel like pursuing anything=) It's just a good feeling to know that all those people who were making assumptions about me (and I promise...there were a lot of assumptions made about me when I decided to go to Texas for the summer) have been proven wrong, and I'm on a different road than they thought I would be.

I've been EXTREMELY blessed to receive the promise scholarship. This is one thing that is NOT a point of pride for me. I give the credit for this accomplishment DIRECTLY to God. I took the ACT 3 times before I finally got my scores up to requirements for the scholarship. The night before I took the test (on the very last test date the promise scholarship office would accept my scores), I stayed up way too late. I woke up the next morning feeling cruddy, headed to the school, expecting it to be a waste of time because I'd hardly studied for it at all. During the test I felt drained and wasn't even able to finish the sections for my best subjects (English and Reading). After the test, I left the school thinking 'Well, at least I tried'. I was shocked and ecstatic 3 weeks later when I checked my scores online and found that I was eligible to receive the promise scholarship! I ran around Jacob's room jumping for joy and squealing as quietly as I could without waking his parents...

I definitely believe it was God, and God only. I didn't do a THING to better my score, and my math score matched the requirement exactly...Not one point higher or lower. It is because of this miracle (it really was a miracle) that I know I'm doing the right thing by going to college. God wanted me to do this, and He paved the way. He prompted me along this road, and He's provided for me. I can't thank him enough!

Because of this scholarship (along with the two government grants I'm receiving), I have more than enough, and will be receiving a refund check from the school that will allow me to buy my books, and hopefully a cheap car.

So, basically...I'm amazed. I don't serve God the way I should, and yet He ceaselessly shows me His amazing love and divine providence with every breath I take. What can I say? Not one of us deserves Him.

I don't really know what else to say. Now that I'm writing about it, I'm in awe once again.

I hope this blog has been a sufficient update for anyone that happens to be interested in reading =)

There is...

I was on facebook just now, and I happened to look up in the URL bar and see, hidden within the code, 'thereisatimeforeverything'. If I clicked around on facebook from there, the message stayed. If I went to another site and came back, the message was gone.

I don't know why the message was there, or what it has to do with facebook, but as far as I'm concerned, it was there for a reason.

I decided to post about it so that if the message was for any of you, I could be the one to deliver it.

There is a time for everything.

some day over the rainbow

I've almost 'forgotten'. It's been hard of course, but I'm really happy again; making plans, looking forward to life, meeting new people and making new relationships...

I feel like I've taken back a piece of me that others have stolen. God is faithful, and He's helped me reclaim the joy that I let different situations take from me.

It's a beautiful thing to let go. It truly is. I don't think that to let go, you have to be happy every day or never think about your hurts (although it is preferable). I think letting go may be more about action. Actually, literally moving on. Going places. Doing things.

Even more than that, it's about just GIVING it away. I think that deep down people know that, and that's why when we're hurt we feel the need to talk about it. Or, at least I do. When something traumatic happens to me, or something is hurting me, I don't want to broadcast it or anything, but I do tell all my closest friends, and go over and over it with them...dissecting the situation and digging up all those feelings. It's not healthy. But I think the reason I do that is because I'm trying to give it away. Somehow I feel like if I can give it to a friend, it won't be my burden anymore. But as much as my friends may sympathize and help me through a situation, my hurts will never be entirely theirs. All the talk in the world will not change that.

I finally started to heal when I realized that God was the only one truly willing to take them from me...And He has. I'll admit that it's a chore. It's so easy to take back the pain that I believe to be mine. But when I trust Him with everything, including my hurts, He does NOT let me down. Now that all the pain of the past is no longer cluttering up my heart and mind, He has stepped in and showed me the next step. I finally let go of my fears and worries, and THAT'S when he presented a solution. He finally gave me an option that I feel at peace with...one that seems to be perfect.

Um. I don't really know what this blog is about. Moving on, I guess? He's just done some wonderful things in my life, and I think He's about to move in an amazing way.

I give BLOOD to prove to MYSELF that I can MATTER TO SOMEBODY ELSE!!!!!!!

I gave blood today!!! It was very exciting. I got a sticker and everything! =)

Actually, I'm going to be honest here. It was not exciting. It was extremely terrifying and nerve wracking. I don't know whether to feel proud of myself for facing my fears, or ashamed for whining so much about doing a 'good deed'...But either way, I was scared.

The main reason I did it was for the experience of it. I've wanted to give blood for awhile now...It seemed like such an easy way to make a real, valid difference; so I always said that if I had the opportunity, I would. Naturally, when there was a blood drive at my school today, it was kind of a no-brainer.

When I wandered up to the stand to sign up, the lady was kind of pushy about it. I quickly learned that I didn't like her that much when she told me that the mole under my nose might be worth getting lasered off. But anyway, that's irrelevant.

After signing up, I went into a cubicle with one of the nurses and she asked me for my basic information, then pricked my finger to check my iron. Then I had to answer tons of questions about what kind of medication I take (I take vitamins and allergy medication if I can even remember to take those), what kind of diseased people I've had sex with (none), and what foreign countries I've been to within the last 8 billion years (unfortunately, none). After a small snag in the process due to my description of a slight heart 'flutter' I get every once in awhile when asked whether or not I have a heart condition, I was approved and taken to a table.

The nurse rubbed iodine on me for the longest 60 seconds of my life, and then put the needle in. At first it wasn't that bad, but then it started to hurt a little bit. Then I looked at the tube carrying the blood away from my body, which freaked me out a lot...I just laid there breathing hard and staring at the ceiling for most of the time that I was on the table. They told me that most people relax while they are giving blood, but I did not. That's probably just me though...I am extremely scared of sharp objects, and I had gotten myself niiiiiiice and tense beforehand.

Fortunately, the lady who signed me in (the one who commented on my mole) came over and started talking to me and distracting me. She did this until I had given a full pint. Finally, I was finished. They took the needle out of my arm and told me to sit up slowly. I was dizzy, and they walked me over to the snack table they had set up and gave me some gatorade and cookies. It was nice=)

I felt pretty good when I went to my next class, but the effects of the blood loss kicked in a little bit later when I started feeling sluggish and lightheaded...sort of like I do when I have low blood sugar. By the end of my third class though, I was feeling better...except that Lisbeth decided to RIP my bandaid off violently (which horrified my psychology professor! she made an example out of this later in class when she was talking about differences in personality), causing me to yell. Haha!

Anyway...Overall it was a very good experience, and I'm extremely glad I did it. I mean, a little temporary discomfort is totally worth potentially saving a life, don't you think? As much as I've complained about it, I am so glad I did it and will probably do it again if I'm given the chance. I highly recommend it. This could be the first time I've ever felt that someone has really needed me and I've been able to help them...and just by laying on a stretcher for 5 minutes! What an easy way to make a difference.

Update.

So here's the thing...I'm bored and stir crazy, and lots has happened, kinda sorta. So I was thinking I would give you guys an update!

I started school back in August. College has been interesting. I have learned all about the joys and sorrows of the institution; although when I think of it they have mostly been sorrows, I guess. I really don't like my English professor, math has gotten pointless (when will I EVER need to know all this in real life??), and school in general is just stressful. Besides that, I haven't met anyone here that I can truly call a friend or who has made a lasting impact on me. I'm so thankful to be here...really, I am. Having this kind of education is a blessing and I know it could really help me later in life. But it has really made me question my preconceived notions about education and made me think harder about where I want my life to go from here. I'm not even sure that I definitely want to go to college anymore, to be honest. We'll just have to see! I know I won't be a failure if I willingly decide to do something else. My main concern is that society will not see my decision in the same way=/

Other than that, I have started becoming closer to God. After a very angry-with-God period in my life a few years ago, I came back to Him, fell completely in love and decided never to be angry at Him again, even if I didn't understand Him. And for the most part, I've stuck to that decision. He can be very irritating with His sporadic whims on occasion, but I trust that it's all in His perfect plan now. Although my love for God never went away completely, these past couple years I've been pretty indifferent to Him. I guess that was because things started getting really nice in my life; everything just fell into place. I was meeting new people, making new friends, falling in love...I was just kind of like, "Thanks for the help God, I can take it from here!"

Turns out I was wrong about that. My life TOTALLY fell apart, and even then I tried to play it cool with God, like I didn't need Him or something. What can I say? You live and you learn. It got to the point where I was sobbing one night and I knew it was either kill myself, become extremely bitter, or just admit that I couldn't do it alone. The last option seemed the best to me! Sooo. Here I am! I'll admit that God and I are still working on things...and just like in any relationship, we always will be! But I love Him, and He loves me. And that is what matters.

I have also realized lately that I have become extremely anti-social. Don't get me wrong...I have friends...like, 3 of them (in my immediate vicinity that is). HAHA! But seriously...Between work, school, and my complete and utter lack of interest in the rest of the human race, my social life has become totally stagnant. I wouldn't say that this makes me a loser, because it is completely by choice. I have had people want to hang out with me or want me to call them or whatever...you know, try to break the ice. But it usually either weirds me out or I find myself thinking that they are probably not really interested in me and just want to take advantage of me somehow. I know my attitude towards people isn't healthy, and these past few days I've discovered that as safe as this lifestyle is, it's very lonely. I've decided to start trying a little harder where friendships are concerned. Maybe I need people a little more than I think I do.

But I don't know where to start=/

Anyway...there's a brief update. Things are definitely looking up for me. I'm not dwelling as much on the past, and I'm not dwelling too much on the future either. I think I've found a pretty nice balance=)

Let me know how you guys are doing!

Left, Left, Left, Right, Left.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take life.

I can't take the pain of the past. I can't take the decisions I have to make for the future. I can't take the monotony of the present. I feel like my life is nothing. And I feel like my future is nothing.

Then I remember that life is happening now.

I'm looking at my Psychology textbook right now. I've been reading it. I've been studying it. I've been working hard to absorb all the information in it. I've been doing the same with the rest of my schoolwork as well. I've been working hard at my job and saving money. I've been getting organized and prepared and signing up for tests and applying to colleges and considering my options and thinking about what I want to do.

All of this is life.

Time marches blindly on; ignoring my pain, ignoring the fact that I'm going with it, kicking and screaming, clinging to anything that will at least provide the illusion that it's standing still and not moving on without me.

Time marches blindly on...but I'm so happy that I'm at least making use of it. I don't feel quite as useless when I do this.

ColorQuiz

As always...very accurate. This is pretty amazing.

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Looking to make a good impression and be recogniz..." Click here to read the rest of the results.