not too late to 'pologize.

  No one is above apology. 

  I'm tired of people who think they are. 

...

I don't understand people. I don't understand why they do the things they do.

cleopatra, queen of denial

  I'm remembering why I like denial so much. 

  I mean...I know it's supposed to be unhealthy to repress your feelings and pretend they're not there...

  But I mean...can't it be useful? 

  It makes me think of that expression, 'Ignorance is Bliss'. When you're in denial, you can go on being happy and not thinking about the things in life that get you down. If you don't think about them, they don't bother you. You can go out in the sunshine and smile and move on. I mean, really move on. Bad feelings are still there, but they're not on the surface bothering you all the time. 

  And eventually, if you bury that feeling enough...if you keep squashing the little sucker down...It may just fade away and die without you realizing it. Before you know it, the painful truth isn't the truth anymore. 

  I mean...maybe denial is a good thing almost. Maybe the opposite of denial is dwelling on the past and wallowing in self-pity...

  Or maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about. 

my road not taken.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how life plays out.

Several things have led to these musings...the first being the amazing movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The movie, of course, is about a boy who is born an old man, and instead of aging year by year, he becomes younger and younger. It seems like a simple plot line, but when you look deeper, the movie deals with so many amazing and far-out concepts.

One of these was 'the butterfly effect'...the concept that every little tiny thing that happens in life...from answering a phone call to getting distracted by something small makes a difference in not only your life, but in the lives of everyone on the planet. We are all connected and our lives intertwine. You hear the phone ring as you're about to leave the house for work and decide to pause and answer it...someone else gets your cab. Because that person gets the cab first and is therefore not late for work, they are able to keep their job...and because you got the later cab, you show up to work a few minutes late but end up running into/meeting the love of your life (who you would have missed had you arrived a few seconds earlier) on the sidewalk outside.

It's mind-boggling to think about all the things that happen and how our lives are all connected. It's really actually beautiful...but it can make you paranoid if you think about it too much, because even though the examples I gave were positive, negative things happen in this manner, as well, and it's scary to realize that.

It makes you wonder what you've passed up because of small choices you've made.

I wonder what I've given up. Right now, I'm wondering if a choice I made kept people from ending up together. I can think of at least 5 people right off the top of my head that may have been significantly affected by a choice I made recently. Now, really, there's no way to know that things wouldn't have ended up the same way had I not made the choice I made, so I'll never know. Just as way leads on to way, one choice leads to another choice. There is never truly a way to get back to the original choice once other people's lives have been affected...so you can never go back and find out. Additionally, when you affect another person's life with a choice you make, you unwittingly send them down another path which will lead them to another path, thus taking them even further from the original situation as well.

I don't know if I'm making any sense...I've just been haunted by these thoughts lately.

randommmmmmmmm.

I want everything to be new.

I want a new start. A new life. A new place.

I wish I'd been born a redhead.

I wish I lived in New York City.

I wish I could do 'casual'.

I wish I had something yellow to wear.

I wish I worked in a coffee shop and listened to 'A Fine Frenzy' all day every day (okay, maybe not all day everyday, but a lot).

I wish I had some hot tea.

I wish I could just leave everything behind and become someone completely new.

In fact...I wish I could just...change my name. To...Fiona. Or Isabella or something. Even though neither of those are particularly appealing to me...Isabella's better than Fiona though...maybe I'll go with that.

Awww damn. Things will be good again=)

8-O

  I'm really getting tired of people being creepy...I know some of you are like, lurking around my blog...Look in my sidebar. There should be a little counter there that tells me where you people are reading from. Now it's nice that you guys are reading, but only if it's because you're genuinely interested in the goings-on of my life and in my thoughts. I would just like to say that if you don't like me, get the hell off my blog and stop lurking around. I'm not kidding. If you don't like me, there is no need for you to be so interested in my personal life. 

  And another thing...if you don't like, me, get rid of me on your other accounts, too. I got an anonymous comment telling me (in much more rude words) that I was an insecure, fake bitch. I don't know who sent it...But honestly, if I don't have anything nice to say to someone, I don't say anything at all unless the situation calls for it or they confront me first. I don't think that's being fake...I think it's accentuating the good things. Now seeing as the comment was anonymous and assumptions are stupid, I'm not going to go around deleting the people I think may have said it, but if you're reading this, I advise you to go ahead and delete me, since you obviously don't like me. 

  Back the hell off and get out of my life. Stop voyeuristically watching me and stop stalking my things. It's c-r-e-e-p-y. 

  For those of you who like me and actually have an interest in my life...carry on=) And sorry for this blog. I'm just a little irritated right now. 

intothebrainandontotheblog.

I was talking to my friend Devan earlier today.

After a short while of talking, I realized that I have reached the most confusing point in my life as of yet. I mean, this past year takes the cake for confusing times. It wins hands down. Out of every confusing and frustrating time in my entire life before now, this past year absolutely tops everything else.

And I never do anything to make things less confusing for myself. I go after what I want right now...in the moment. I don't think about the future.

It could be considered a good thing...At least by those people who say "Don't worry about anything, live for today" bla bla bla...But when I do that, today is miserable because I know that by living for today I wreck tomorrow.

The dating game is a tough one to play.

Why is it so addicting?

People get burned over and over and yet they offer themselves up to be burned once again...Or at least to burn others.

They are masochists.

I am a masochist=D

Anyone got any wisdom for me?