some day over the rainbow

I've almost 'forgotten'. It's been hard of course, but I'm really happy again; making plans, looking forward to life, meeting new people and making new relationships...

I feel like I've taken back a piece of me that others have stolen. God is faithful, and He's helped me reclaim the joy that I let different situations take from me.

It's a beautiful thing to let go. It truly is. I don't think that to let go, you have to be happy every day or never think about your hurts (although it is preferable). I think letting go may be more about action. Actually, literally moving on. Going places. Doing things.

Even more than that, it's about just GIVING it away. I think that deep down people know that, and that's why when we're hurt we feel the need to talk about it. Or, at least I do. When something traumatic happens to me, or something is hurting me, I don't want to broadcast it or anything, but I do tell all my closest friends, and go over and over it with them...dissecting the situation and digging up all those feelings. It's not healthy. But I think the reason I do that is because I'm trying to give it away. Somehow I feel like if I can give it to a friend, it won't be my burden anymore. But as much as my friends may sympathize and help me through a situation, my hurts will never be entirely theirs. All the talk in the world will not change that.

I finally started to heal when I realized that God was the only one truly willing to take them from me...And He has. I'll admit that it's a chore. It's so easy to take back the pain that I believe to be mine. But when I trust Him with everything, including my hurts, He does NOT let me down. Now that all the pain of the past is no longer cluttering up my heart and mind, He has stepped in and showed me the next step. I finally let go of my fears and worries, and THAT'S when he presented a solution. He finally gave me an option that I feel at peace with...one that seems to be perfect.

Um. I don't really know what this blog is about. Moving on, I guess? He's just done some wonderful things in my life, and I think He's about to move in an amazing way.

I give BLOOD to prove to MYSELF that I can MATTER TO SOMEBODY ELSE!!!!!!!

I gave blood today!!! It was very exciting. I got a sticker and everything! =)

Actually, I'm going to be honest here. It was not exciting. It was extremely terrifying and nerve wracking. I don't know whether to feel proud of myself for facing my fears, or ashamed for whining so much about doing a 'good deed'...But either way, I was scared.

The main reason I did it was for the experience of it. I've wanted to give blood for awhile now...It seemed like such an easy way to make a real, valid difference; so I always said that if I had the opportunity, I would. Naturally, when there was a blood drive at my school today, it was kind of a no-brainer.

When I wandered up to the stand to sign up, the lady was kind of pushy about it. I quickly learned that I didn't like her that much when she told me that the mole under my nose might be worth getting lasered off. But anyway, that's irrelevant.

After signing up, I went into a cubicle with one of the nurses and she asked me for my basic information, then pricked my finger to check my iron. Then I had to answer tons of questions about what kind of medication I take (I take vitamins and allergy medication if I can even remember to take those), what kind of diseased people I've had sex with (none), and what foreign countries I've been to within the last 8 billion years (unfortunately, none). After a small snag in the process due to my description of a slight heart 'flutter' I get every once in awhile when asked whether or not I have a heart condition, I was approved and taken to a table.

The nurse rubbed iodine on me for the longest 60 seconds of my life, and then put the needle in. At first it wasn't that bad, but then it started to hurt a little bit. Then I looked at the tube carrying the blood away from my body, which freaked me out a lot...I just laid there breathing hard and staring at the ceiling for most of the time that I was on the table. They told me that most people relax while they are giving blood, but I did not. That's probably just me though...I am extremely scared of sharp objects, and I had gotten myself niiiiiiice and tense beforehand.

Fortunately, the lady who signed me in (the one who commented on my mole) came over and started talking to me and distracting me. She did this until I had given a full pint. Finally, I was finished. They took the needle out of my arm and told me to sit up slowly. I was dizzy, and they walked me over to the snack table they had set up and gave me some gatorade and cookies. It was nice=)

I felt pretty good when I went to my next class, but the effects of the blood loss kicked in a little bit later when I started feeling sluggish and lightheaded...sort of like I do when I have low blood sugar. By the end of my third class though, I was feeling better...except that Lisbeth decided to RIP my bandaid off violently (which horrified my psychology professor! she made an example out of this later in class when she was talking about differences in personality), causing me to yell. Haha!

Anyway...Overall it was a very good experience, and I'm extremely glad I did it. I mean, a little temporary discomfort is totally worth potentially saving a life, don't you think? As much as I've complained about it, I am so glad I did it and will probably do it again if I'm given the chance. I highly recommend it. This could be the first time I've ever felt that someone has really needed me and I've been able to help them...and just by laying on a stretcher for 5 minutes! What an easy way to make a difference.