I give BLOOD to prove to MYSELF that I can MATTER TO SOMEBODY ELSE!!!!!!!

I gave blood today!!! It was very exciting. I got a sticker and everything! =)

Actually, I'm going to be honest here. It was not exciting. It was extremely terrifying and nerve wracking. I don't know whether to feel proud of myself for facing my fears, or ashamed for whining so much about doing a 'good deed'...But either way, I was scared.

The main reason I did it was for the experience of it. I've wanted to give blood for awhile now...It seemed like such an easy way to make a real, valid difference; so I always said that if I had the opportunity, I would. Naturally, when there was a blood drive at my school today, it was kind of a no-brainer.

When I wandered up to the stand to sign up, the lady was kind of pushy about it. I quickly learned that I didn't like her that much when she told me that the mole under my nose might be worth getting lasered off. But anyway, that's irrelevant.

After signing up, I went into a cubicle with one of the nurses and she asked me for my basic information, then pricked my finger to check my iron. Then I had to answer tons of questions about what kind of medication I take (I take vitamins and allergy medication if I can even remember to take those), what kind of diseased people I've had sex with (none), and what foreign countries I've been to within the last 8 billion years (unfortunately, none). After a small snag in the process due to my description of a slight heart 'flutter' I get every once in awhile when asked whether or not I have a heart condition, I was approved and taken to a table.

The nurse rubbed iodine on me for the longest 60 seconds of my life, and then put the needle in. At first it wasn't that bad, but then it started to hurt a little bit. Then I looked at the tube carrying the blood away from my body, which freaked me out a lot...I just laid there breathing hard and staring at the ceiling for most of the time that I was on the table. They told me that most people relax while they are giving blood, but I did not. That's probably just me though...I am extremely scared of sharp objects, and I had gotten myself niiiiiiice and tense beforehand.

Fortunately, the lady who signed me in (the one who commented on my mole) came over and started talking to me and distracting me. She did this until I had given a full pint. Finally, I was finished. They took the needle out of my arm and told me to sit up slowly. I was dizzy, and they walked me over to the snack table they had set up and gave me some gatorade and cookies. It was nice=)

I felt pretty good when I went to my next class, but the effects of the blood loss kicked in a little bit later when I started feeling sluggish and lightheaded...sort of like I do when I have low blood sugar. By the end of my third class though, I was feeling better...except that Lisbeth decided to RIP my bandaid off violently (which horrified my psychology professor! she made an example out of this later in class when she was talking about differences in personality), causing me to yell. Haha!

Anyway...Overall it was a very good experience, and I'm extremely glad I did it. I mean, a little temporary discomfort is totally worth potentially saving a life, don't you think? As much as I've complained about it, I am so glad I did it and will probably do it again if I'm given the chance. I highly recommend it. This could be the first time I've ever felt that someone has really needed me and I've been able to help them...and just by laying on a stretcher for 5 minutes! What an easy way to make a difference.

Update.

So here's the thing...I'm bored and stir crazy, and lots has happened, kinda sorta. So I was thinking I would give you guys an update!

I started school back in August. College has been interesting. I have learned all about the joys and sorrows of the institution; although when I think of it they have mostly been sorrows, I guess. I really don't like my English professor, math has gotten pointless (when will I EVER need to know all this in real life??), and school in general is just stressful. Besides that, I haven't met anyone here that I can truly call a friend or who has made a lasting impact on me. I'm so thankful to be here...really, I am. Having this kind of education is a blessing and I know it could really help me later in life. But it has really made me question my preconceived notions about education and made me think harder about where I want my life to go from here. I'm not even sure that I definitely want to go to college anymore, to be honest. We'll just have to see! I know I won't be a failure if I willingly decide to do something else. My main concern is that society will not see my decision in the same way=/

Other than that, I have started becoming closer to God. After a very angry-with-God period in my life a few years ago, I came back to Him, fell completely in love and decided never to be angry at Him again, even if I didn't understand Him. And for the most part, I've stuck to that decision. He can be very irritating with His sporadic whims on occasion, but I trust that it's all in His perfect plan now. Although my love for God never went away completely, these past couple years I've been pretty indifferent to Him. I guess that was because things started getting really nice in my life; everything just fell into place. I was meeting new people, making new friends, falling in love...I was just kind of like, "Thanks for the help God, I can take it from here!"

Turns out I was wrong about that. My life TOTALLY fell apart, and even then I tried to play it cool with God, like I didn't need Him or something. What can I say? You live and you learn. It got to the point where I was sobbing one night and I knew it was either kill myself, become extremely bitter, or just admit that I couldn't do it alone. The last option seemed the best to me! Sooo. Here I am! I'll admit that God and I are still working on things...and just like in any relationship, we always will be! But I love Him, and He loves me. And that is what matters.

I have also realized lately that I have become extremely anti-social. Don't get me wrong...I have friends...like, 3 of them (in my immediate vicinity that is). HAHA! But seriously...Between work, school, and my complete and utter lack of interest in the rest of the human race, my social life has become totally stagnant. I wouldn't say that this makes me a loser, because it is completely by choice. I have had people want to hang out with me or want me to call them or whatever...you know, try to break the ice. But it usually either weirds me out or I find myself thinking that they are probably not really interested in me and just want to take advantage of me somehow. I know my attitude towards people isn't healthy, and these past few days I've discovered that as safe as this lifestyle is, it's very lonely. I've decided to start trying a little harder where friendships are concerned. Maybe I need people a little more than I think I do.

But I don't know where to start=/

Anyway...there's a brief update. Things are definitely looking up for me. I'm not dwelling as much on the past, and I'm not dwelling too much on the future either. I think I've found a pretty nice balance=)

Let me know how you guys are doing!

Left, Left, Left, Right, Left.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take life.

I can't take the pain of the past. I can't take the decisions I have to make for the future. I can't take the monotony of the present. I feel like my life is nothing. And I feel like my future is nothing.

Then I remember that life is happening now.

I'm looking at my Psychology textbook right now. I've been reading it. I've been studying it. I've been working hard to absorb all the information in it. I've been doing the same with the rest of my schoolwork as well. I've been working hard at my job and saving money. I've been getting organized and prepared and signing up for tests and applying to colleges and considering my options and thinking about what I want to do.

All of this is life.

Time marches blindly on; ignoring my pain, ignoring the fact that I'm going with it, kicking and screaming, clinging to anything that will at least provide the illusion that it's standing still and not moving on without me.

Time marches blindly on...but I'm so happy that I'm at least making use of it. I don't feel quite as useless when I do this.

ColorQuiz

As always...very accurate. This is pretty amazing.

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Looking to make a good impression and be recogniz..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

after a certain point

Feelings just get repetitive.

Putting yourself out there will only get you so far.

The only thing to do now is accept what I cannot change...

And wish I didn't have to.

you're in it.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the different mindsets people live with. Particularly about whether they live in the past, present, or future.

So much of the time people live in the past. They relive memories, nurse their grudges, and lick their wounds. I have been very guilty of this lately...I think about people in my past, and I wonder what went wrong. I try to figure it out and decide how I could have done things differently to get a different result. I wonder how our mutual past has affected them and if they ever think about the same things that I do...

But when living in the past becomes too painful, people often revert to instead dwelling on the future. They dream and plan their lives...imagine what they'll do when their lives finally begin, and stress about the idea that their lives never will begin. I am guilty of this as well. It eases my pain to think of how grand my life will be when I finally have a car...a new wardrobe...the perfect person for me to spend my time with.

I think dwelling mentally in the future is probably not as unhealthy as dwelling on the past...but I do think that there's a negative side to it.

I tend to dream about my life as it will one day be so much that I forget to enjoy my life as it is.

I watched 'P.S. - I Love You' today, and there's a line where the leading lady says to her husband, "I just get so scared sometimes that our life will never start!"

Her husband replies, "It's already started. We're in it. You've got to stop waiting, baby."

Later on, when he's gone, she misses that moment she had with him.

The irony of life is that we can miss a perfect moment from our past, but when that perfect moment was happening, we didn't realize it was perfect. In fact, during that perfect moment we were probably thinking about the future. Maybe we were even thinking, "I can't wait until I have more of what I have right now!"

We are determined to be constantly dissatisfied. The past was perfect...the future will be perfect...But we always despise the present.

I am trying to learn to 'be here now'. To live in the here and now; To make every moment its best, as cliche' as that may be.

But it's hard to find a good balance between living in the present and hoping for the future. I mean, we can make the present amazing, but we also want to make the future the best it can be. In order to do that we need to have some general goals. In order to make these goals, we have to dream a little...And we also have to let our goals and vision of the future influence the choices we make IN the present.

So how do you balance that?

I'm just tired of not enjoying my cup of coffee because I'm thinking about how great it will be when I can enjoy my cup of coffee in the autumn. Or not enjoying the friends I'm with because I miss my other friends. Or not feeling pretty NOW because I think I'll be prettier when I grow up.

I've finally realized that there's no great climax to life. No great spiritual or emotional crescendo will be reached because I've reached a goal. Even when I meet my goals, I'll have more goals. I'll have more problems to be solved. That's just how life is.

I think life is defined by those fleeting perfect moments rather than the great climax we're all waiting for...we just have to learn to really appreciate and live in this moments.

I've got to stop waiting for life to happen to me.

I just want to be here now.

the brighter the dawn (random)

Some suggestions for feeling good:

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day
2. Exercise
3. Take vitamins, and St. John's Wort
4. Never dwell
5. Get rid of music that makes you sad...
Even if you like it
6. DO listen to jazz!

Simple, eh? It's been working for me...

I started my job at Kohl's today. This is my first job in a big corporation...everywhere else I've worked has either been a family owned business or a small chain consisting of about 3 restaurants. In order to start my job at Kohl's I've had to fill out lots of paperwork (I don't even know how many times I've had to write my name in the last week!) as well as complete an orientation, read a handbook, and I still have to be trained on the register...

But today I was trained to work in the Junior department. Basically, a bunch of new clothes had come in on a shipping truck and so I was helping stock them all. I stayed busy, but I actually rather liked it, because all day I got to shop while I worked=D It was pretty awesome! And at the end of the day, one of the women I worked with told the 'big boss' that I had done an awesome job=) It made me very happy. Oh! And I learned how to get my locker to open, FINALLY. Haha.

Even though it was my first day, I get the impression that most of the time it will be a pretty low key job...No lunch rushes...No one sending their steaming hot food back and burning my hand or grabbing my arm and speaking to me in a condescending tone for being late to bring them their coffee...No serving tables full of chauvinistic men who feel it is their duty to harrass me. Sure, where you're dealing with people, you're going to have those types, and you're going to have certain problems, but there is nothing as bad as working in the food industry. I am just so thankful to have this job! It's insane...The most ideal place I could have worked was the only one to offer me a job...I'm really very glad that the others never did call!

Life is good. It always works out in the end...
It's true. The darker the night, the brighter the dawn. I feel like I'm entering the dawn right now!

What now? Hmm...