bittersweet.

Nothing is without pain.

Nothing.

When life is at its best, it's only because you've given up a lot of things that cause you pain in order to get to that place...Yet, the giving up itself is painful because even though those things hurt you, you were attached to them.

My family and I are at a place in our lives that can only be described as bittersweet.

All of us have given up so much recently. I don't say that so that I can appear to be some sacrificial martyr...The things my family and I have given up have not been our choice. Life has given us some hard knocks lately.

We came from a bad situation into a good one...a much more healthy one. Every day I felt sick in the head before. I used to wonder if life would ever be normal for me and if I was screwed up for good...If I would always be mean and ruthless. I'd feel ashamed when I thought of people I knew and what they would think if they knew how I really lived and how I treated my family...If they knew what I knew and didn't want to know. I wondered if they'd still love me if they knew my secrets.

Now I feel free. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am far away from that situation...from that house...from that state of mind. And I am so happy! When you're living in it, you don't even realize how oppressive it is. I felt like everything was closed off and I was destined to lead one kind of life. Now I feel as if the whole world is opened up to me...even if it takes awhile, I can take however much time I need because I'm not trying to run away from anything anymore. It's so liberating! Don't get me wrong...I have my moments, and so does the rest of my family. But it's nothing like it was.

Even this life has pain though. And surprisingly, the pain of this life is mostly associated with missing the old life. The good moments, and the knowledge that they'll never come again are so saddening to me. I try all the time to tell myself 'They happened...they may not happen again, but you will make more memories, and they'll be just as good.' But it's no use. I want those memories. I want those people. Even if I were to go back and live there now, it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't live in the same place. I'd have to pay for everything on my own. I'd have to grow up.

I don't know. I've entered a sort of depression lately. The major improvements in my life have been enough to keep me going, and to keep me optimistic...But certain things linger.

Even so, I am incessantly optimistic.