So If You're Lonely, Why'd You Say You're Not Lonely? (The Sequel/Followup)

If you scroll down and read my post, 'So If You're Lonely, Why'd You Say You're Not Lonely', you'll find that while it is very sweet, it is also very idealistic...Which actually reflects quite well on who I really am. An idealist. But maybe that's just because I'm young and I think I have it all figured out.

Recently I've realized that while what I said in that entry was very right and accurate and I should follow my own advice, it's not as easy as it looks. Not at all. I wrote that entry under the impression that it would be a breeze to open up and share my feelings...that there was nothing stopping me but myself. And in a sense I was right. But really, there are so many reasons for not saying what's on your mind, and the biggest one is usually that you're afraid. Afraid of what will happen if you let the truth come out. Afraid of what your words could do. Doesn't the Bible say that the tongue is a double-edged sword? I guess when I wrote that entry, I thought people who wouldn't open up were wimps and had no real reason to hide...but since then I've become one of those wimps, and I've realized that opening up puts you in a very vulnerable position.

Recently I've had many more opportunities to share my feelings, and this is because someone has feelings for me. At first it was flattering, but now it's become quite overwhelming. There's something about having the power to break someone's heart that just terrifies me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. For the past year, I've become very used to being in the background. I like being able to just live my life and none of my actions having any effect on those around me, because none of them have really cared that much about what I thought about them until now, you know? I don't know how to put into words what I'm thinking...But I don't like being too close for comfort, and I don't like people feeling too close to me...at least not in a romantic way. I'm sure oneday I'll want that with the right guy, but right now I'm just not ready! I guess you could say I've gotten used to keeping people at arms distance since my family decided we were going to move. I don't know how to accurately convey what I'm feeling, but I do know that I wouldn't be able to do it even this well unless it were on the internet.

Today this certain person that has feelings for me suggested we go outside and sit on the porch together. I knew, considering the fact that I don't want any romantic involvement right now that it would be a bad idea, but I decided to go anyway. I sat there on the swing next to him, thinking intensely about all the things I need to tell him...a million things were going through my head, and a million things were wrong. Suddenly he asked, "Is everything alright?" (He's not a dumb guy at all).

I looked at him, wondering if I should just tell him what was on my mind. But guess what? I was afraid. So I gave him a weak nod and an, "Mm hm." And left it at that.

"Okay," he said. "Just checking."

I felt stupid afterwards...thinking about how I should have just told him what was on my mind. How I should have lived up to my own high standards. But I guess those standards are a LOT harder to live up to than I thought.