Being Who I Am.

A much admired coworker said to me today, "You know what I love about you, Kendra?"

I looked at him.

"You are your own person. You're different. Not like everyone else." He went on to tell me that that was what first attracted him to his girlfriend...that she was different than other people, and didn't care what others thought.

I have always known that that was an attractive quality to me, and that it was supposed to be an attractive quality to other people, but I didn't know that it WAS an attractive quality.

I wish I could be even more like that. I have my own sense of humor...my own likes and dislikes...and that shows. But I care too much what other people think about me. Even if it's just because I have a need to be on top, I want other people to know how wonderful I am. That sounds really conceited, but it's true. I just want people to think I'm spectacular and as shrewish as this sounds, to be superior to them. It bugs me to death when people think I am somehow lower than they are, and I go out of my way to prove to them that I am not.

So when my friend said that to me, it got me thinking...and I came to an important realization.

It really and truly honestly does NOT matter what they think. There are some people whose opinions I am never going to change. Mr. Jerkface is always going to think I'm an innocent, naive little twit. Mr. Dud is always going to think I'm jealous of his girlfriend and desperately want to be with him. Mr. Tyrant is always going to see me as nothing more than another female for him to dominate. All of these are idiotic assumptions, and not worth the time it takes to fret over them!

My friend at work is a very, very special person. I haven't known him for very long, and already he means a lot to me. He is one of those people whose opinions count...and he seems to think a lot of me.

I have friends that love and care about me. I have family that live with me day in day out and still like me for who I am. I don't need to prove to the chauvinistic pigs that I'm good enough to be a man. Their opinions mean ZERO, and they are no longer going to bother me:-)

I am my own person.

Forgiveness - Hogs

I just watched a special on 20/20 about forgiveness. There were some very amazing stories about how people had forgiven horrible atrocities committed against them, or someone they loved. I caught the tail end of a story about a woman who forgave a man who raped her, and told him so. Now, to me, perhaps because I have an intense need to be respected, rape is about the most terrible wrong that can be committed against a person, because it shows a complete lack of respect. It is indignity at its worst...a complete disregard for another person's comfort and feelings...This may seem crazy, but I think of it as something worse than murder, because it is something that you have to keep living with. Something you have to strive to overcome daily. Sooooo...when I heard that this woman had forgiven him, my first response was defensive. I thought, 'What a weak woman...to actually TELL a man who had disrespected her in the worst way possible that it was okay!'

I sat with a narrowed brow as I critically took in the other stories. A woman who forgave a man who killed her pregnant daughter. A man who invited a judge who convicted him of a crime he didn't commit to his wedding.

Finally there was a story about a Jewish woman who had been taken by the nazis at a very young age. They had wounded her arm and drained her of her blood so that they could take note of how much blood a person can lose and still live. It was what this woman said that got me thinking...When the interviewer asked her how she had been able to forgive the nazis, she said in her beautiful, thick accent, "I asked myself, how would hating them help me? Would it make my life better?"

I thought about that. See, I have actually written a section on forgiveness in a new Christian book being published soon. I have had the same thought as the old Jewish woman before. "How does hating this person help me?" I have had the strength, in the past, to overcome the worst wrong ever committed against me. But somewhere along the way I lost it. I, the 'expert' on forgiveness, sat on the couch feeling extremely irritated that these people would actually forgive these sick, heartless people. But after I thought about what the Jewish woman said some more, I realized that by forgiving someone, you don't tell them it's alright. You don't say, 'it's okay, please do it again'. You make a choice for yourself not to hold it inside and let it fester up and hurt your life. You make a choice to move on and not let this person hold power over you; and you have to make that same choice everyday...because as you can see from my experience, it is not a one time decision. I have easily become bitter again.

As hard as it may be, I hope I can muster up the strength to be like the beautiful old Jewish woman, and say, "How is this helping me?" Because...it has nothing to do with the person who hurt you. You will never stop hurting until you let it go.

"The naive forgive and forget.

The stupid neither forgive or forget.

The wise forgive, but do not forget."

Now that I'm done with my serious blog, let me move on to the hogs...

My friend came over tonight and informed me that she was hog hunting. I went out into my backyard there were a bunch of country boys gathered there yelling in very thick accents and before I knew it, this huge, HORRIBLE squealing sound came from where the boys were...It was a hog, weighing about 300 pounds, and almost a match for all the boys put together. Every once in awhile after laying almost silent for awhile, the hog would get a second wind and start trying to run away, squealing horrifically all the while. More than once I started running away because it scared me so bad! Hahaha. It was interesting. I feel as if I've seen it all now...

Okay, I haven't seen it all. But that was definitely an experience!

Half the fun was seeing all the testosterone driven boys holding the squirming pig down. It was better than any movie.

Life is Good.

I realized just recently that I don't blog very much anymore, and whenever I do blog, it's about work. WORK for gosh sakes! How BORING.

So I decided to change that and start blogging a lot more and blogging about things that might actually be of interest to other people. Well...not that my life and all my little extracurricular activities are really going to be of interest to anyone else, but at least I won't be blogging about how annoyed I am about such and such at work.

Sooooo. Update on my actual life.

This past weekend I went with my friend Bella (who is a ballerina) to visit a college with her, which is a Christian college for the arts. Bella is a senior and has already applied and been accepted into the college. She hasn't made her final decision about it yet, but it's her second choice for college, and she has a few scholarships there.

This particular college is a school that I've been interested in for awhile, since my friend Tallulah started attending a couple years ago. So I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited when Bella and her family invited Kaitlyn and I to go with them for Bella's dance audition!

Tallulah is no longer in school because she was going for theater, and she was offered a job as a professional actress. But she still lives in town, and five minutes (on foot) from the college! So I called her the night before and asked what she was doing that weekend:-D She practically screamed my ear/her head off, lol...It was awesome! She invited my friends and I to have dinner with her after our trip.

Bella, her sister, Rachel, Kaitlyn and I had SOOO much fun on the trip there! We formed about 500 new inside jokes and had tons of fun doing it! Bella and Rachel made a couple of CDs of mutually loved music to listen to on the drive. We got to know them a lot better as well, which is always a plus! They are some of our really good friends now.

By the time we got to the college, we were all really excited. Bella's mom checked us into a hotel, while I called Tallulah and got directions to her house. Within about 10 minutes we were in Tallulah's kitchen, laughing and talking and letting her get to know our new friends.

She made us a fantastic dinner comprised of a really good salad with poppy seed dressing (which I'd never tried before and really liked), and curry and lentil soup. It was splendifferous!

We couldn't stay very long that night because we were all tired from the trip, but we made plans that while Bella was at her dance audition the next morning, Kaitlyn (my sister), Rachel and I would go to Tallulah's rehearsal with her.

The next morning, Kaitlyn, Rachel and I woke up to a dark room. We tried to turn the lights on, but the power was completely out at the hotel! We were pannicking. There was no way to get a shower, and they weren't expecting the power back on until after we left!!! That was interesting. We went downstairs and ate breakfast, then returned to our room to make an attempt at getting ourselves pretty in the dark. I think we did a pretty good job considering our circumstances:-D

Rachel's mom came back to the hotel soon after we had finished primping and took us about 3 minutes down the road to the theater where Tallulah works. We watched Tallulah and her coworkers perform a play, which they did amazingly well. All the actors were very dramatic and seemingly not afraid of what people thought of them. They were completely in character and very good at what they did...which is perhaps why they are professionals:-D

Right after the play, and congratulating Tallulah on a job well done, I kind of freaked out and had a spaz attack because of the stress in my life right now. I started talking about how I wasn't getting my schoolwork done and how I didn't make enough time for school and how since I started my job it had been even more stressful...At that moment, for whatever reason, something in my brain totally clicked and later on I called mom and asked her to have the computer out of my room by the time I got home:-D (Since she did that, I've been having a lot better luck with my school and have mostly used this computer for educational purposes:-D).

After Tallulah had organized an impromptu re-enactment of the fight scene from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' with her co-workers specially for us, we left the theater and walked to the college. It took about 10 minutes to get there, and it was a lovely walk. The weather was good, and it was just nice to be with Tallulah again:-) When we got to the cafeteria, we sat for about a half hour and talked and just hung out and spent time together.
That's Tallulah in the middle. Kaitlyn is on the left, I'm on the right:-D

While sitting in the cafeteria, I met a lot of Tallulah's friends. One guy that I met had taken the creative writing program that I'm interested in and he said he really liked it and that he had learned a lot about himself through the class. All her friends were very nice...very artsy, as well:-D I like artsy people. I want to be artsy. I hope I'm succeeding.

Soon Tallulah had to go back to work, and so we said our goodbyes. Bella and her mom returned from the dance audition (which she apparently did very well on) and we went on our tour of the college. The campus was very nice and our guide gave us some good insight as to what living at the college is actually like. She was honest too, lol...She talked about how the football players were 'not the brightest bunch of students'...we were all laughing! The dorms were also very nice, but it might just be the idea of living so independently that is so appealing to me:-D Of course, there is also a pretty fountain in the middle of the campus that always has classical music playing around it. It was beautiful!

It wasn't a very large campus, and so it wasn't a very long tour...but by the time we left,I was inspired. I resolved then that I would reallllllly buckle down and do my schoolwork. That I would prioritize and neaten up and organize my life and focus a lot more on my education. Work is a last priority. (Sorry, work!) So far I've been doing pretty well with that resolution. Having the computer out of my room and refraining from myspace has been a HUGE help. There are also plenty of scholarships that I'm researching and planning on applying for. Man, I have so many essays to write this year! It's a little overwhelming, but I'm also wildly excited to do these things!

That night we stayed at Bella and Rachel's house. We watched 'No Reservations' with them (which is a fantastical movie that we saw in theaters awhile ago). The next morning, they made us a very healthy but very, VERY good breakfast of bagels with cream cheese and homemade strawberry jam. The weather was beautiful, and we had a picnic outside. What a good memory! It was amazing. The whole rest of that day was good.

Needless to say, now I am back home, and back on earth, but things seem to be going pretty well:-D I love the positive changes I'm trying to make in my life right now.

Something else to blog about that has nothing to do with my job would be the ballroom dancing classes I am taking! I didn't think I was going to take the class because I didn't have a partner, and I wasn't really up to asking someone to dance with me...but about a week before the class started my friend Daniel texted me and asked me to be his partner. We've been having SO much fun dancing together! The first week we got some of the steps down and it wasn't too bad, but I wasn't amazingly eager for the second class. But last night we danced and learned a lot of new steps. We learned the waltz last night, and Daniel and I got so good that we were able to dance on beat to a very fast-paced song. My heart was beating pretty hard at the end of it, too! It was GREAT fun, and I can't wait for the next class! Something else to look forward to is that not only are we learning these things really well, but the co'op we're involved in will be having a high school prom/dance/formal thingy at the end of the classes at a really nice hotel, and we'll be able to use what we've learned while all dressed up! It's going to be soooooooo much fun!

Life is gooooood.

Satisfied.

Okay, update on the job.

I completed my training a little over a week ago and we opened the restaurant. First, I was hostess. Then, I was FC (which is the person who arranges the food and makes sure everything is right, yada yada yada), and then, I waited tables for the first time at the restaurant. I made 13 dollars off of six tables. Yeah. Only thirteen dollars. Sooo...I was a little discouraged. That was a Sunday, and I've heard that 'church people' are notoriously bad tippers. It turns out that this stereotype is pretty true. I got quite a few people who came in and left me a dollar for a tip.

I thought this was just because I'm not good at waitressing...but I was wrong about that:-D The next time I went to work, I made $50. The next day I learned how to be a cashier (which is actually kind of fun and really easy). Today, I brought home $60 in tips.

I love my job. Every time I go, I am learning more and making fewer mistakes and getting better, and bringing home more $$$$$$$$$!!! Everything is set-up a certain way so I don't have to wander around and ask one of my coworkers if a customer has a question. Everything is precise. I KNOW which tables are mine and I know that if I turn a ticket in, the cook will be able to read it because the abbreviations are, of course, set. It's very nice and a definite confidence builder to be able to do my job. I just like KNOWING what I have to do, and being able to do it. I'm realizing just how sloppy things were at my last job now that I work here.

The atmosphere is also a lot happier. We have these nice little T-Shirts we wear and we can get them in different colors. We don't have to dress all formally and we can wear jeans and sneakers! They always play Christian music which is nice because in the middle of a rush, if I go to the bathroom to escape, there is some really encouraging music playing to calm me down. My bosses are pretty relaxed...I mean, of course they're authoritative, but they're also pretty nice. I get discounts on things I'm not supposed to get a discount on and if I do something wrong, they're just like, "That's okay, we'll fix it." It's nice to feel secure in that way.

I also get to press a lot of buttons and fun stuff like that, haha!!!

Man. I'm so glad to have a real job where I don't have to whine and complain about not getting enough hours! I was scheduled for five days this week, furreeeal!

Superwaitress, take 2.

Okay, so today I wake up to my mom saying gently, "Kendra, did you say your training started at 2 today?"

"No," I said, slightly irritated that she had disturbed my dream.

"What time then?"

"Ten," I said.

"Twelve?"

"No," I said, panicking now. "TEN! What time is it now?!"

"9:30!"

Before I was really awake I was on my feet saying, "What do I do? What do I do?" as if I had forgotten how to get myself ready, trying to figure out if I could work a 20 minute shower into the 30 minutes I had to get ready when the time it takes to drive to the cafe is about 20 minutes, HAHAHA. Needless to say, that didn't work. I ran around my house, jumped into some jeans, tried to put makeup on (and in the process smeared mascara all over my eyelid), and pulled my hair into a bun, which failed to hide the greasiness. Long story short though, my mom and sister did my chores for me, and Kaitlyn made me some toast and coffee, which I ate in the car. I have a good family:-D

On the way there, I decided I didn't look toooo bad, and within twenty minutes of waking up, I was clocking in:-D

I sat by myself at a table for awhile before a nice girl named Kelsey sat at the table with me, and we talked a little bit. She had a nice smile, and I think/hope that she won't be stupid and mean like some of the people I've worked with.

For the first half hour to an hour, I was befuddled by all the things I had to learn and make sense of, but as time went on, I realized it was going to be pretty simple once I got the hang of it. It may take some time to get into the swing of things, but I will, and I'm going to try my hardest.

The male manager is still very nice, and I met the female manager today. She's the one who trained me and the other waiters/waitresses. After the training was over, I asked some questions, and she gave me my Elijah's t-shirts (green and pink...like a freakin' watermelon, haha...actually I ordered pink and blue, but they didn't have blue, so whatever), and aprons. Yes, I have an apron. And I have to wear it, haha:-D

This job is going to be fun. I'm working the day shift because I'm homeschooled, so the people I'm working with are mostly older than I am, which means that even if they don't have life down yet, they're college kids and young parents, and they're more mature. Even if only just mature enough not to call you names behind your back.

Oh, one more thing I have to add! I experienced the weirdest sort of attraction of my life today. Okay, maybe not the weirdest, but pretty weird. It wasn't really a romantic attraction. I'm not sure what sort of attraction it was. But there was this guy there. He was dark and had awesome hair and was wearing cool clothes and just seemed really cool. Have you ever experienced this sort of magnetic thing with another person? For some reason, throughout the time that the lady was training us, I just watched him. Like, not on purpose...but my eyes kept wandering back to him. He came over to my table to sit with Kelsey (who he somehow knew), and I just kind of stared/smiled at him, wanting to introduce myself, but I wasn't able to. Afterwards, I felt weird and stalkerish, because I kind of hovered around him like, watching him, HAHA! He finally introduced himself, and I introduced myself to him, at which point I realized how weird I must look, hahaha...I couldn't help it though! It was like, magnetic. Like I said, not really a romantic attraction. Magnetic is the best way to describe it.

Extremely Random Update.

Hello, fellas:-)

The truth is, right now I am in the best mood that I've been in for awhile. I think PMS is the culprit. Hormones are being released all over my body and carried by my blood throughout my body to the receptors that somehow make me cranky. For some stupid reason, my receptors did not send out a signal to stop releasing the hormone, and so it kept going on and on. This horrible depression...this bad mood. And of course, the duration of influence was probably like, 5 years, hahaha...

Yeah, I just got done studying hormones in my anatomy course. It's probably the first or second most interesting module we've done thus far. Anyway, lacking in eloquence though the above paragraph may be, it is true. I have been suffering (and yes, I do mean suffering) from PMS for awhile now. The worst symptoms I've had in months and months, including, of course, this bad mood. But for some reason I got up today and I was like, hyper and happy. So I guess that frickin' hormone is no longer being released, haha...

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned in any previous blog entries, but I quit my job at the restaurant where I used to work because they're ignoramuses. HAHAHA. But yeah. They weren't so good and no one that has worked there and no longer works there has anything good to say about it. I applied at the new restaurant in town called Elijah's Cafe, and I haven't even worked there yet, but I'm already loving it. I mean, this might sound weird, but I love the fact that they make me memorize the whole menu and train for days and take a health class. I love it because it means that 1) I'm working for a good business that actually takes pride in being non-disgusting and organized 2) They actually care about me being confident about my job and in my ability to do my job. With the other restaurant I worked at, they kind of had me trained, except not by the right people because the girl that was supposed to train me had an attitude about it...so basically anyone that was willing to help train me pitched in a little. At Elijah's, they're actually making me go through a class, which is really nice in a weird way. I know the menu, and I know the abbreviations, and the prices, so when I'm waiting on someone, I won't be treated like an idiot, and the cook isn't going to yell at me because of the way that I chose to abbreviate something that no one told me the right way to abbreviate.

OKAY! Bad Kendra. No ranting! Lol.

Anyway, as for other new things in my life...Co'op is going very well. I'm making new friends and becoming closer to the ones I've already made all the time...I'm seeing different sides of people that I love, love, LOVE, and even the guys are like, super awesome. They are so lovable and sweet and just...awesome. Yeah.

I'm also taking a drama class there, and we're doing Pride and Prejudice the play. My really good friend Katelyn got the part of Elizabeth, and I got the part of Jane...the oldest sister, who falls in love with Mr. Bingley. It's way cool because Jane is one of the biggest parts (not really the main character, but she has one of the main love stories), and I get to act alongside one of my best friends as her sister! It's going to be a lot of fun and I'm getting more and more excited about it all the time. We found patterns for dresses (we're making our own), and they're really beautiful and elegant. I can't wait!!! My lines are actually coming along quite easily, too:-) The oooooonly awkward thing is about the guy that plays Mr. Bingley. We haven't worked with blocking yet, and we have to act all lovey-dovey and run around stage being like, "Woo-hoo, we're getting married!" and I'm a little nervous about that. I don't think he is. I don't think he even seems to notice that it's a love story, hahaha...but it's just going to be interesting:-D

Oh, and also one of my other good friends at co'op is having a Valentine's party:-D I really love co'op. More and more all the time. It's becoming my outlet. My escape. My hideaway from Hickville, Texas! My friends are perfect and they really like me there. I'm getting invited to parties and expanding my social life, and I'm just...having a great time of it:-D

That's all I can think of for now. Yeah, kind of random. But please pray that I can get my school work done!!!

Feeling Yucky.

Today, I feel blech.

Yep. Blech. There's no other way to describe it. My eyes don't want to stay open, every part of my body feels so heavy and unwilling to move. I'm sort of stressed and overwhelmed, and if you know me, you probably know that I do not respond well to stress. Even though I try to let it motivate me, my natural reaction to stress is pretty hippie-ish ("It's all good man"). Not to mention I feel sort of bloated and gross.

I can't wait for Christmas break. Not that I'm a poor, overworked little pack mule or anything and Christmas break is the only time that I can breathe...but I just really need some time to recuperate...from schoolwork, from Michael, from everything. I want more than anything to hop into some sweats and hunker on down to read Jane Austen without interruption for hours and hours...or possibly even Harry Potter again. I want to stay up late and watch my favorite Christmas movies and watch the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. I just need a recovery period after everything that's been happening lately.

I just need to push through these next two weeks or so...