Thursday, December 25, 2008

in 2008, I :

* Learned to drive.

* Learned to perform efficiently in a stressful environment.

* Learned that I can do a lot more than I think I can.

* Learned how to cut the crap and be a jerk to guys if need be.

* Learned to say no...sorta.

* Became a fan of techno/rap/pop/other kinds of music I never thought I'd listen to in a million years.

* Fell for him - thus proving that I can fall.

* Put myself out there more than I have in years.

* Got hurt more than I have in years.

* Learned many invaluable lessons that I am incredibly grateful for.

* Made some of the best memories of my life.

* Made up my mind to live in Italy for at least a little while.

* Made up my mind to go to New York City.

* Made up my mind to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...in person.

* Wrote poetry.

* Discovered that I have WAY more talent and brains than I utilize.

* Resolved to utilize my talent and brains a hell of a lot more than I do.

* Learned to stop and take in the moment. 'Smell the roses', ifou will.

* Got rid of a stalker.

* Got rid of several potential stalkers.

* Got someone fired from their job=D (Not on purpose, and I grin because they deserved it).

* Discovered my secret turn-on (not like that...just something I tend to be attracted to) and it turns out I wish I didn't like it so much=(

* Learned WAAAAAAY too much about astrology and know the birthdays of basically everyone...celebrities included. Be afraid.

* Learned that I suck at giving gifts.

* Learned that I am a verbal monster, and I can slay you with my words.

* Discovered the magic of poppyseed dressing.

* Became even more obsessed with sushi.

* Developed healthier habits...sorta.

* Discovered Russell Brand;-)

Welcome 2009. Please be on your best behavior. I can't take another year like this one.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

hug a little tighter.

My Great-Grandma died today.

I didn't know her that well, honestly...but I know that what I did know of her was amazing.

She recently celebrated her 95th birthday, and she was fiery up until the end! I remember talking to her at my grandmother's kitchen table and listening to her tell a story about a boy that had lifted her over his shoulders and carried her up a set of stairs when she was about my age.

And let me tell you...she was as pissed off as if this 'shameful' event had taken place just the day before! She did an impression of how she had slapped him and her eyes narrowed as she remembered it.

Just this year she told her daughter she was thinking of getting married again=)

The last time I saw her, I had no inkling that it would be the last time I'd see her again. Maybe I'd have hugged her a little tighter or said goodbye more sincerely. Maybe I would have said 'I love you'.

I don't have regrets about my relationship with her, because I spent as much time as I could talking to her and getting to know her...

But things like this just get you thinking about the fragility of life. My great grandmother was very old...It is sad when an elderly person dies, but it can't be said that she didn't live a good, long life. However, death is hanging over us all the time. It's so easy to get caught up in all the small, petty things in life and forget that we ought to be making the most of every moment.

We ought not to be holding back. We ought to be letting our loved ones know just how loved they are...We ought to be seeing all the things we want to see, and doing all the things we want to do. We ought to be forgetting our insecurities and being the best we can be. We ought to be making our mark instead of letting life happen to us.

We are never guaranteed anything in this life. Every breath is a gift.

You never know for sure when you see someone that it won't be the last time you see them again.

So let go. Tell them how you feel...

And hug a little tighter.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Monday, November 17, 2008

seventeen.

I think I've decided that 17 is the most terrifying age EVER.

Maybe 18 is scarier, but I haven't been there yet.

But I'm right at the age where I feel so extremely young and unprepared for the decisions I have to make...But I know I have to make them.

I know that I am capable of making these decisions and of changing anything I want to change in my life...I know I'm capable of moving forward and being what I want to be...I KNOW that I can do it. I know that I have to.

But uncharted territory is always scary for me...for anyone, I guess.

The one thing I need right now is to know that I have support. Please. The one thing I know is that I have to have your support, your permission to move forward. Your permission to take my life in the direction I choose, even if it's not the direction you would choose for me...and trust that if it's the wrong decision, I'm smart enough to realize it with time. I love you so much...I don't want to be away from you. I don't want to break away. I don't want to be apart from you. Separation from you is not what I'm looking for.

I promise to be there for you through your trials...Through whatever these months bring.

Please be there for me through mine. There are things I'm going to need to do to prepare for my own life that I'll need you there for. Please help me. I'm scared, but I feel like it's time for some changes.

I still haven't made my mind up 100%...I am just asking you please, please show me that you'll love me whatever I do...and that you'll trust me to take care of myself.

Don't be sad. Don't worry about it now. I love you very much.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

the BS never really died.


Since I knew who the presidential candidates were, I knew this would be an interesting election. Either way we would have a first, and a very important first at that...Either the first black man as president, or the first white woman as vice president.

I've been following the election semi-closely because of this...trying to watch the debates and such. I found it incredibly hard to decide which candidate I would vote for. Admittedly, it didn't truly matter who I supported, seeing as I'm five months shy of being able to vote, but it was good to explore some issues and work things out within myself anyway.

Before yesterday I had decided that if I had been able to vote, I would have voted for John McCain for several reasons...but mainly because he seemed the 'safer' way to go. While Obama captured my attention with his golden tongue and charismatic ways, I thought that as far as the country was concerned, we were better safe than sorry.

Yesterday, in the middle of the day however, my mind was almost changed simply because of the way I saw McCain supporters acting.

Yesterday, I experienced more prejudice and racism than I ever have before in my life.

When I lived up North, race was never an issue. I had heard of racism, but never seen it in action. I had never hated a black person and never truly met any African American that would give their race a bad name. Racism was just not apart of my reality.

Now that we live in the South, racism is a bit more relevant. I've seen it for the first time over these past couple years when I heard older people talking, but dismissed it as old southern talk and tried not to let it make me angry.

The things I heard yesterday though were absolutely atrocious.

I received a text message from one of my friends yesterday afternoon saying, "Polls show Obama in the early lead, but all that will change as soon as all the white people get off work!"

I was immediately offended. First of all, was this meant to say that black people don't work and that we're just waiting for all the good upstanding white citizens to get off work so that they can defeat the bums that voted when they didn't have anything better to do?

Second, is this meant to say that all black people are voting for Obama? Or that all white people are voting for McCain?

There were so many assumptions in that one message, I was infuriated. I thought racism was a thing of the past, especially with nice people like the friend that sent me the message!

Later on another acquaintance of mine made a comment about having a 'nigger president'. This of course, absolutely appalled me! I seriously did not think people still thought this way...Not even here in the South.

This time I confronted it and told the girl it was offensive. That didn't seem to make much of a difference...She just accused me of stalking her (nice defense mechanism right there...maybe I should try accusing people of stalking me whenever I get upset at them) and didn't seem remorseful at all about how disrespectful she had been. I'm still glad I said something though.

Honestly, this has me very upset. I truly thought racism was far behind us, you know?

Obama's politics may be off center, but that has nothing to do with the color of his skin whatsoever...And honestly, he seems like a very strong man who can handle the presidency, and I think he has earned his term.

I watched The View this morning. It really helped me realize what a victory this truly is for black people. Whoopi Goldberg was talking about how she had always known she was a citizen here, and that this was her home...But she said that last night she was struck with the feeling of being able to "Set my suitcase down, finally."

Another African American co-host on the show, Sherri Shepherd, cried when she talked about getting to tell her very young son that he could now do whatever he wanted to do or be whoever he wanted to be.

Another part of that show that struck me was a clip of Martin Luther King Jr.'s famous speech. Here is the same excerpt I heard on the show...

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal. "

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

To me, in light of the racism we see even today, hearing that speech again was very gripping.

I wish everyone could get along. I wish that there wasn't so much hate and racism everywhere, on both sides.

It's pure ignorance.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

awhile back.

I wrote this awhile ago. It's weird, but I like the stuff I write when I'm just like, confused and don't know what I'm talking about. I like to look back on it when things make more sense.

When I'm overwhelmed by emotion...
whether it's good or bad, I wish I could let it out.
I wish I could let it out to the full extent that it
needs to be let out. I wish I could let it out in
something other than endless, babbling words.
Empty, cliche', overused talk. Smiles and frowns
and regurgitated nothing. It all means so much
on the inside, but once it's out there it's just
words...words floating in space...Hitting the
ceiling, bouncing off the walls, getting lost.
They are nothing to anyone else. They carry
no weight. I wish that I could let it out in a
physical way. I wish I could be a vessel for
something bigger than myself...I want to stand
on top of a mountain and let it pour out of every
inch of my body...physically manifested as beams
of light. A scream wouldn't be enough, because
there's always more screaming left to do. I
just want it to be let out...In a stream...forever.
Instead of restlessly squirming inside my heart
and head.
When I'm so happy I can feel my heart overflowing,
or I'm so overwhelmed by sorrow that crying
just isn't enough...
Or even just so completely confused that words
can't even begin to touch the strange mix of
emotions and desires going on inside my
head...
I want it out.
OUT. OUT. OUT. For good.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

At Least it wasn't a Tatt...

Okay, just to let everyone know...a lot is happening/going on/has happened/has gone on in the past few weeks that I haven't gotten to blog about...so if I pop out a bunch of random posts over the next few days, sorry...the events I blog about will most likely not be in chronological order as far as when they happened...Sorry about that=D

Today I am blogging about something that happened about a week ago. I had decided not to blog about it so that the friends that read my blog would get to see it in person before I blogged about it and such...but seeing as half the friends that read this blog I NEVER see, I thought I would go ahead...

I got my nose pierced!!! I've been wanting to do this for awhile now, and while I was in West Virginia I decided that I was finally going to get it done. The only problem was...I had noooooooo money!!!

So long story short, when I was in North Carolina, my Aunt, Grandad, and Uncle paid for me to get it done!!! Thanks so much, you guys!!! I really appreciate it...My Aunt was about as excited as I was for me to go get it done, haha;-)

I was SOOOOOOOOOOO nervous and worried that it would hurt excruciatingly bad...But the guy that did it was really nice and helped me feel a little bit better. I laid down and he asked if I was ready. I said yes and used all my effort to hold myself still so I wouldn't jump off the table, hahaha...Then suddenly the needle went in! It did hurt quite a lot, and I teared up a bit, but it wasn't unbearable. However, he left the needle in for what I felt was a fraction of a second too long and I started to feel a little pannicked, hehe=D Then he took the needle out and put the nose ring in...That hurt a bit because it was something going into a new injury...But when I looked in the mirror for the first time afterwards I loved it!!!

I'm still glad I got it done...And don't worry, it won't leave a huge hole in my face, lol...They said that if you leave it out for a day it will close up, and I have a friend who took her nose ring out and now you can't even tell she ever had one.

Soooooo yeah! Big changes in the life of Kendra, hehe...

Well, not so big...at least I didn't randomly get a tattoo like some OTHER people I know=D