awhile back.

I wrote this awhile ago. It's weird, but I like the stuff I write when I'm just like, confused and don't know what I'm talking about. I like to look back on it when things make more sense.

When I'm overwhelmed by emotion...
whether it's good or bad, I wish I could let it out.
I wish I could let it out to the full extent that it
needs to be let out. I wish I could let it out in
something other than endless, babbling words.
Empty, cliche', overused talk. Smiles and frowns
and regurgitated nothing. It all means so much
on the inside, but once it's out there it's just
words...words floating in space...Hitting the
ceiling, bouncing off the walls, getting lost.
They are nothing to anyone else. They carry
no weight. I wish that I could let it out in a
physical way. I wish I could be a vessel for
something bigger than myself...I want to stand
on top of a mountain and let it pour out of every
inch of my body...physically manifested as beams
of light. A scream wouldn't be enough, because
there's always more screaming left to do. I
just want it to be let out...In a stream...forever.
Instead of restlessly squirming inside my heart
and head.
When I'm so happy I can feel my heart overflowing,
or I'm so overwhelmed by sorrow that crying
just isn't enough...
Or even just so completely confused that words
can't even begin to touch the strange mix of
emotions and desires going on inside my
head...
I want it out.
OUT. OUT. OUT. For good.

At Least it wasn't a Tatt...

Okay, just to let everyone know...a lot is happening/going on/has happened/has gone on in the past few weeks that I haven't gotten to blog about...so if I pop out a bunch of random posts over the next few days, sorry...the events I blog about will most likely not be in chronological order as far as when they happened...Sorry about that=D

Today I am blogging about something that happened about a week ago. I had decided not to blog about it so that the friends that read my blog would get to see it in person before I blogged about it and such...but seeing as half the friends that read this blog I NEVER see, I thought I would go ahead...

I got my nose pierced!!! I've been wanting to do this for awhile now, and while I was in West Virginia I decided that I was finally going to get it done. The only problem was...I had noooooooo money!!!

So long story short, when I was in North Carolina, my Aunt, Grandad, and Uncle paid for me to get it done!!! Thanks so much, you guys!!! I really appreciate it...My Aunt was about as excited as I was for me to go get it done, haha;-)

I was SOOOOOOOOOOO nervous and worried that it would hurt excruciatingly bad...But the guy that did it was really nice and helped me feel a little bit better. I laid down and he asked if I was ready. I said yes and used all my effort to hold myself still so I wouldn't jump off the table, hahaha...Then suddenly the needle went in! It did hurt quite a lot, and I teared up a bit, but it wasn't unbearable. However, he left the needle in for what I felt was a fraction of a second too long and I started to feel a little pannicked, hehe=D Then he took the needle out and put the nose ring in...That hurt a bit because it was something going into a new injury...But when I looked in the mirror for the first time afterwards I loved it!!!

I'm still glad I got it done...And don't worry, it won't leave a huge hole in my face, lol...They said that if you leave it out for a day it will close up, and I have a friend who took her nose ring out and now you can't even tell she ever had one.

Soooooo yeah! Big changes in the life of Kendra, hehe...

Well, not so big...at least I didn't randomly get a tattoo like some OTHER people I know=D

Million Dollar Houses!

The other day, I went with my aunt and uncle on a tour called 'The Parade of Homes'. The purpose was to showcase houses priced at a million dollars and over.

I had a great time! You'd think you might be bored just looking at empty houses all day, but it was very interesting. The houses were HUGE and beautiful with rooms upon rooms...Each house probably had about 10 rooms and 5 bathrooms, hehe.

The rooms themselves were huge of course.

Each kitchen had unique features. One had a wine cooler and a cappuccino machine! It was really cool...

There was PLENTY of attic space. I told my Uncle Rob that if I lived there I'd spend most of my time in the attic being the phantom of the mansion...to which he of course responded by humming the theme to Phantom of the Opera!

Oh, and one of the coolest features is that each of the basements were fully furnished with a movie theater! THAT made me super jealous...

I just really enjoyed that day. There's something oddly inspiring about empty rooms...It makes you want to fill them up and make them your own.

As grand as the tour was though, I have to say that the highlight of my day happened later on, when my mom unsuspectingly drove into the ghetto. I was in the car with my uncle, who was muttering, "Don't go right, Julie...Don't go right..."

Of course, she turned right, and we passed several intense gang members...Like the kind who belong to the sort of gang where you have to murder someone to get in...

I was CRACKING UP!!! I can't wait to see Devan's impression of the incident;-)

you're a rebel without a cause...

...And you make no sense.

No more games please.

That is all.

Brooding Ill Humor.

My mood on myspace at the moment is morose.

Morose - Sullen, gloomy; showing a brooding ill humour

Why is it that I am sullen and gloomy, showing a brooding ill humor?

There really isn't just one reason, although there are several that are very easily identified. It just feels to me like everything is happening at once.

Why is it that in life, everything is either PERFECT or absolutely MISERABLE? In my experience, all the good things in life happen at the exact same time, and all the bad things in life happen at the exact same time...

I've had an amazing visit with my friends in West Virginia this past week...absolutely amazing. I've missed those little suckers so much! You have no idea...Spending time with them and getting back into my little niche was just like being home again. Honestly, I WAS home again.

This is one reason for my 'ill humor'. The fact that it was just a visit. Just a little taste of what I want so badly to have again, only to be taken away at the week's end as I ride away thinking, 'I'll go home again soon...I'll go home again soon.' But I know that it will be awhile before I do. Even if I were to move back, there would be so many processes and idiotic things to go through before I could finally get back. Ugh.

Another reason for this brooding ill humor is that I just broke up with my boyfriend. Actually, this happened about a week ago. Out of respect, I'm not going to disclose all the details...and he didn't do anything terrible. But I did get hurt...It's going to be awhile before I can get completely over it. That's not to say that I want to get back with him or anything like that. The point is that I gave more of my heart away than I have in a long time. Honestly, I've had a lot of guys after me in the past couple years, and I guess because I didn't get hurt with any of them in spite of their idiocy, I assumed it wouldn't ever happen again.

Boy, was I wrong. I should have known it was all a matter of how much I invested...

When it first happened I remember thinking, "Oh wow...I forgot it felt this bad."

I've discovered once again that the only way not to get hurt is to not get involved with people. People hurt people. It's as simple as that. Now, I've heard people say multiple times, 'Oh yes, you may get hurt...but it's worth the risk because of what you stand to gain.' My response to that is PROVE IT! When I'm perfectly happy on my own, why is it that several months of emotional exhaustion and eventual heartache is worth it because (wonder of wonders!) you may gain an entire LIFE of emotional exhaustion if you can stick it out??? It's laughable to me. Honestly I'm happier when I'm making my own decisions. Doing my own thing. And this is not just post break-up talk...Relationships are thrilling, but in the end I'm totally happy without them.

There are a few people that I totally love and totally trust. These are the people that are worth the emotional exhaustion of relationships...and I have no romantic interest in them, so in the end, it's never quite as emotionally exhausting as being in love.

I don't know. I'm just so confused about everything right now...Nothing I say should be taken seriously at the moment, even though I feel quite seriously about it.

I'm just wallowing. Pay me no mind.