There is...

I was on facebook just now, and I happened to look up in the URL bar and see, hidden within the code, 'thereisatimeforeverything'. If I clicked around on facebook from there, the message stayed. If I went to another site and came back, the message was gone.

I don't know why the message was there, or what it has to do with facebook, but as far as I'm concerned, it was there for a reason.

I decided to post about it so that if the message was for any of you, I could be the one to deliver it.

There is a time for everything.

some day over the rainbow

I've almost 'forgotten'. It's been hard of course, but I'm really happy again; making plans, looking forward to life, meeting new people and making new relationships...

I feel like I've taken back a piece of me that others have stolen. God is faithful, and He's helped me reclaim the joy that I let different situations take from me.

It's a beautiful thing to let go. It truly is. I don't think that to let go, you have to be happy every day or never think about your hurts (although it is preferable). I think letting go may be more about action. Actually, literally moving on. Going places. Doing things.

Even more than that, it's about just GIVING it away. I think that deep down people know that, and that's why when we're hurt we feel the need to talk about it. Or, at least I do. When something traumatic happens to me, or something is hurting me, I don't want to broadcast it or anything, but I do tell all my closest friends, and go over and over it with them...dissecting the situation and digging up all those feelings. It's not healthy. But I think the reason I do that is because I'm trying to give it away. Somehow I feel like if I can give it to a friend, it won't be my burden anymore. But as much as my friends may sympathize and help me through a situation, my hurts will never be entirely theirs. All the talk in the world will not change that.

I finally started to heal when I realized that God was the only one truly willing to take them from me...And He has. I'll admit that it's a chore. It's so easy to take back the pain that I believe to be mine. But when I trust Him with everything, including my hurts, He does NOT let me down. Now that all the pain of the past is no longer cluttering up my heart and mind, He has stepped in and showed me the next step. I finally let go of my fears and worries, and THAT'S when he presented a solution. He finally gave me an option that I feel at peace with...one that seems to be perfect.

Um. I don't really know what this blog is about. Moving on, I guess? He's just done some wonderful things in my life, and I think He's about to move in an amazing way.

I give BLOOD to prove to MYSELF that I can MATTER TO SOMEBODY ELSE!!!!!!!

I gave blood today!!! It was very exciting. I got a sticker and everything! =)

Actually, I'm going to be honest here. It was not exciting. It was extremely terrifying and nerve wracking. I don't know whether to feel proud of myself for facing my fears, or ashamed for whining so much about doing a 'good deed'...But either way, I was scared.

The main reason I did it was for the experience of it. I've wanted to give blood for awhile now...It seemed like such an easy way to make a real, valid difference; so I always said that if I had the opportunity, I would. Naturally, when there was a blood drive at my school today, it was kind of a no-brainer.

When I wandered up to the stand to sign up, the lady was kind of pushy about it. I quickly learned that I didn't like her that much when she told me that the mole under my nose might be worth getting lasered off. But anyway, that's irrelevant.

After signing up, I went into a cubicle with one of the nurses and she asked me for my basic information, then pricked my finger to check my iron. Then I had to answer tons of questions about what kind of medication I take (I take vitamins and allergy medication if I can even remember to take those), what kind of diseased people I've had sex with (none), and what foreign countries I've been to within the last 8 billion years (unfortunately, none). After a small snag in the process due to my description of a slight heart 'flutter' I get every once in awhile when asked whether or not I have a heart condition, I was approved and taken to a table.

The nurse rubbed iodine on me for the longest 60 seconds of my life, and then put the needle in. At first it wasn't that bad, but then it started to hurt a little bit. Then I looked at the tube carrying the blood away from my body, which freaked me out a lot...I just laid there breathing hard and staring at the ceiling for most of the time that I was on the table. They told me that most people relax while they are giving blood, but I did not. That's probably just me though...I am extremely scared of sharp objects, and I had gotten myself niiiiiiice and tense beforehand.

Fortunately, the lady who signed me in (the one who commented on my mole) came over and started talking to me and distracting me. She did this until I had given a full pint. Finally, I was finished. They took the needle out of my arm and told me to sit up slowly. I was dizzy, and they walked me over to the snack table they had set up and gave me some gatorade and cookies. It was nice=)

I felt pretty good when I went to my next class, but the effects of the blood loss kicked in a little bit later when I started feeling sluggish and lightheaded...sort of like I do when I have low blood sugar. By the end of my third class though, I was feeling better...except that Lisbeth decided to RIP my bandaid off violently (which horrified my psychology professor! she made an example out of this later in class when she was talking about differences in personality), causing me to yell. Haha!

Anyway...Overall it was a very good experience, and I'm extremely glad I did it. I mean, a little temporary discomfort is totally worth potentially saving a life, don't you think? As much as I've complained about it, I am so glad I did it and will probably do it again if I'm given the chance. I highly recommend it. This could be the first time I've ever felt that someone has really needed me and I've been able to help them...and just by laying on a stretcher for 5 minutes! What an easy way to make a difference.

Update.

So here's the thing...I'm bored and stir crazy, and lots has happened, kinda sorta. So I was thinking I would give you guys an update!

I started school back in August. College has been interesting. I have learned all about the joys and sorrows of the institution; although when I think of it they have mostly been sorrows, I guess. I really don't like my English professor, math has gotten pointless (when will I EVER need to know all this in real life??), and school in general is just stressful. Besides that, I haven't met anyone here that I can truly call a friend or who has made a lasting impact on me. I'm so thankful to be here...really, I am. Having this kind of education is a blessing and I know it could really help me later in life. But it has really made me question my preconceived notions about education and made me think harder about where I want my life to go from here. I'm not even sure that I definitely want to go to college anymore, to be honest. We'll just have to see! I know I won't be a failure if I willingly decide to do something else. My main concern is that society will not see my decision in the same way=/

Other than that, I have started becoming closer to God. After a very angry-with-God period in my life a few years ago, I came back to Him, fell completely in love and decided never to be angry at Him again, even if I didn't understand Him. And for the most part, I've stuck to that decision. He can be very irritating with His sporadic whims on occasion, but I trust that it's all in His perfect plan now. Although my love for God never went away completely, these past couple years I've been pretty indifferent to Him. I guess that was because things started getting really nice in my life; everything just fell into place. I was meeting new people, making new friends, falling in love...I was just kind of like, "Thanks for the help God, I can take it from here!"

Turns out I was wrong about that. My life TOTALLY fell apart, and even then I tried to play it cool with God, like I didn't need Him or something. What can I say? You live and you learn. It got to the point where I was sobbing one night and I knew it was either kill myself, become extremely bitter, or just admit that I couldn't do it alone. The last option seemed the best to me! Sooo. Here I am! I'll admit that God and I are still working on things...and just like in any relationship, we always will be! But I love Him, and He loves me. And that is what matters.

I have also realized lately that I have become extremely anti-social. Don't get me wrong...I have friends...like, 3 of them (in my immediate vicinity that is). HAHA! But seriously...Between work, school, and my complete and utter lack of interest in the rest of the human race, my social life has become totally stagnant. I wouldn't say that this makes me a loser, because it is completely by choice. I have had people want to hang out with me or want me to call them or whatever...you know, try to break the ice. But it usually either weirds me out or I find myself thinking that they are probably not really interested in me and just want to take advantage of me somehow. I know my attitude towards people isn't healthy, and these past few days I've discovered that as safe as this lifestyle is, it's very lonely. I've decided to start trying a little harder where friendships are concerned. Maybe I need people a little more than I think I do.

But I don't know where to start=/

Anyway...there's a brief update. Things are definitely looking up for me. I'm not dwelling as much on the past, and I'm not dwelling too much on the future either. I think I've found a pretty nice balance=)

Let me know how you guys are doing!

Left, Left, Left, Right, Left.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take life.

I can't take the pain of the past. I can't take the decisions I have to make for the future. I can't take the monotony of the present. I feel like my life is nothing. And I feel like my future is nothing.

Then I remember that life is happening now.

I'm looking at my Psychology textbook right now. I've been reading it. I've been studying it. I've been working hard to absorb all the information in it. I've been doing the same with the rest of my schoolwork as well. I've been working hard at my job and saving money. I've been getting organized and prepared and signing up for tests and applying to colleges and considering my options and thinking about what I want to do.

All of this is life.

Time marches blindly on; ignoring my pain, ignoring the fact that I'm going with it, kicking and screaming, clinging to anything that will at least provide the illusion that it's standing still and not moving on without me.

Time marches blindly on...but I'm so happy that I'm at least making use of it. I don't feel quite as useless when I do this.

ColorQuiz

As always...very accurate. This is pretty amazing.

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Looking to make a good impression and be recogniz..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

after a certain point

Feelings just get repetitive.

Putting yourself out there will only get you so far.

The only thing to do now is accept what I cannot change...

And wish I didn't have to.

you're in it.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the different mindsets people live with. Particularly about whether they live in the past, present, or future.

So much of the time people live in the past. They relive memories, nurse their grudges, and lick their wounds. I have been very guilty of this lately...I think about people in my past, and I wonder what went wrong. I try to figure it out and decide how I could have done things differently to get a different result. I wonder how our mutual past has affected them and if they ever think about the same things that I do...

But when living in the past becomes too painful, people often revert to instead dwelling on the future. They dream and plan their lives...imagine what they'll do when their lives finally begin, and stress about the idea that their lives never will begin. I am guilty of this as well. It eases my pain to think of how grand my life will be when I finally have a car...a new wardrobe...the perfect person for me to spend my time with.

I think dwelling mentally in the future is probably not as unhealthy as dwelling on the past...but I do think that there's a negative side to it.

I tend to dream about my life as it will one day be so much that I forget to enjoy my life as it is.

I watched 'P.S. - I Love You' today, and there's a line where the leading lady says to her husband, "I just get so scared sometimes that our life will never start!"

Her husband replies, "It's already started. We're in it. You've got to stop waiting, baby."

Later on, when he's gone, she misses that moment she had with him.

The irony of life is that we can miss a perfect moment from our past, but when that perfect moment was happening, we didn't realize it was perfect. In fact, during that perfect moment we were probably thinking about the future. Maybe we were even thinking, "I can't wait until I have more of what I have right now!"

We are determined to be constantly dissatisfied. The past was perfect...the future will be perfect...But we always despise the present.

I am trying to learn to 'be here now'. To live in the here and now; To make every moment its best, as cliche' as that may be.

But it's hard to find a good balance between living in the present and hoping for the future. I mean, we can make the present amazing, but we also want to make the future the best it can be. In order to do that we need to have some general goals. In order to make these goals, we have to dream a little...And we also have to let our goals and vision of the future influence the choices we make IN the present.

So how do you balance that?

I'm just tired of not enjoying my cup of coffee because I'm thinking about how great it will be when I can enjoy my cup of coffee in the autumn. Or not enjoying the friends I'm with because I miss my other friends. Or not feeling pretty NOW because I think I'll be prettier when I grow up.

I've finally realized that there's no great climax to life. No great spiritual or emotional crescendo will be reached because I've reached a goal. Even when I meet my goals, I'll have more goals. I'll have more problems to be solved. That's just how life is.

I think life is defined by those fleeting perfect moments rather than the great climax we're all waiting for...we just have to learn to really appreciate and live in this moments.

I've got to stop waiting for life to happen to me.

I just want to be here now.

the brighter the dawn (random)

Some suggestions for feeling good:

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day
2. Exercise
3. Take vitamins, and St. John's Wort
4. Never dwell
5. Get rid of music that makes you sad...
Even if you like it
6. DO listen to jazz!

Simple, eh? It's been working for me...

I started my job at Kohl's today. This is my first job in a big corporation...everywhere else I've worked has either been a family owned business or a small chain consisting of about 3 restaurants. In order to start my job at Kohl's I've had to fill out lots of paperwork (I don't even know how many times I've had to write my name in the last week!) as well as complete an orientation, read a handbook, and I still have to be trained on the register...

But today I was trained to work in the Junior department. Basically, a bunch of new clothes had come in on a shipping truck and so I was helping stock them all. I stayed busy, but I actually rather liked it, because all day I got to shop while I worked=D It was pretty awesome! And at the end of the day, one of the women I worked with told the 'big boss' that I had done an awesome job=) It made me very happy. Oh! And I learned how to get my locker to open, FINALLY. Haha.

Even though it was my first day, I get the impression that most of the time it will be a pretty low key job...No lunch rushes...No one sending their steaming hot food back and burning my hand or grabbing my arm and speaking to me in a condescending tone for being late to bring them their coffee...No serving tables full of chauvinistic men who feel it is their duty to harrass me. Sure, where you're dealing with people, you're going to have those types, and you're going to have certain problems, but there is nothing as bad as working in the food industry. I am just so thankful to have this job! It's insane...The most ideal place I could have worked was the only one to offer me a job...I'm really very glad that the others never did call!

Life is good. It always works out in the end...
It's true. The darker the night, the brighter the dawn. I feel like I'm entering the dawn right now!

What now? Hmm...

Dunno Why I Stopped.

I miss blogspot=)

So here I am.

Let me know how you all have been! I'm going to start writing again...

bittersweet.

Nothing is without pain.

Nothing.

When life is at its best, it's only because you've given up a lot of things that cause you pain in order to get to that place...Yet, the giving up itself is painful because even though those things hurt you, you were attached to them.

My family and I are at a place in our lives that can only be described as bittersweet.

All of us have given up so much recently. I don't say that so that I can appear to be some sacrificial martyr...The things my family and I have given up have not been our choice. Life has given us some hard knocks lately.

We came from a bad situation into a good one...a much more healthy one. Every day I felt sick in the head before. I used to wonder if life would ever be normal for me and if I was screwed up for good...If I would always be mean and ruthless. I'd feel ashamed when I thought of people I knew and what they would think if they knew how I really lived and how I treated my family...If they knew what I knew and didn't want to know. I wondered if they'd still love me if they knew my secrets.

Now I feel free. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am far away from that situation...from that house...from that state of mind. And I am so happy! When you're living in it, you don't even realize how oppressive it is. I felt like everything was closed off and I was destined to lead one kind of life. Now I feel as if the whole world is opened up to me...even if it takes awhile, I can take however much time I need because I'm not trying to run away from anything anymore. It's so liberating! Don't get me wrong...I have my moments, and so does the rest of my family. But it's nothing like it was.

Even this life has pain though. And surprisingly, the pain of this life is mostly associated with missing the old life. The good moments, and the knowledge that they'll never come again are so saddening to me. I try all the time to tell myself 'They happened...they may not happen again, but you will make more memories, and they'll be just as good.' But it's no use. I want those memories. I want those people. Even if I were to go back and live there now, it wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't live in the same place. I'd have to pay for everything on my own. I'd have to grow up.

I don't know. I've entered a sort of depression lately. The major improvements in my life have been enough to keep me going, and to keep me optimistic...But certain things linger.

Even so, I am incessantly optimistic.

not too late to 'pologize.

  No one is above apology. 

  I'm tired of people who think they are. 

...

I don't understand people. I don't understand why they do the things they do.

cleopatra, queen of denial

  I'm remembering why I like denial so much. 

  I mean...I know it's supposed to be unhealthy to repress your feelings and pretend they're not there...

  But I mean...can't it be useful? 

  It makes me think of that expression, 'Ignorance is Bliss'. When you're in denial, you can go on being happy and not thinking about the things in life that get you down. If you don't think about them, they don't bother you. You can go out in the sunshine and smile and move on. I mean, really move on. Bad feelings are still there, but they're not on the surface bothering you all the time. 

  And eventually, if you bury that feeling enough...if you keep squashing the little sucker down...It may just fade away and die without you realizing it. Before you know it, the painful truth isn't the truth anymore. 

  I mean...maybe denial is a good thing almost. Maybe the opposite of denial is dwelling on the past and wallowing in self-pity...

  Or maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about. 

my road not taken.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how life plays out.

Several things have led to these musings...the first being the amazing movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The movie, of course, is about a boy who is born an old man, and instead of aging year by year, he becomes younger and younger. It seems like a simple plot line, but when you look deeper, the movie deals with so many amazing and far-out concepts.

One of these was 'the butterfly effect'...the concept that every little tiny thing that happens in life...from answering a phone call to getting distracted by something small makes a difference in not only your life, but in the lives of everyone on the planet. We are all connected and our lives intertwine. You hear the phone ring as you're about to leave the house for work and decide to pause and answer it...someone else gets your cab. Because that person gets the cab first and is therefore not late for work, they are able to keep their job...and because you got the later cab, you show up to work a few minutes late but end up running into/meeting the love of your life (who you would have missed had you arrived a few seconds earlier) on the sidewalk outside.

It's mind-boggling to think about all the things that happen and how our lives are all connected. It's really actually beautiful...but it can make you paranoid if you think about it too much, because even though the examples I gave were positive, negative things happen in this manner, as well, and it's scary to realize that.

It makes you wonder what you've passed up because of small choices you've made.

I wonder what I've given up. Right now, I'm wondering if a choice I made kept people from ending up together. I can think of at least 5 people right off the top of my head that may have been significantly affected by a choice I made recently. Now, really, there's no way to know that things wouldn't have ended up the same way had I not made the choice I made, so I'll never know. Just as way leads on to way, one choice leads to another choice. There is never truly a way to get back to the original choice once other people's lives have been affected...so you can never go back and find out. Additionally, when you affect another person's life with a choice you make, you unwittingly send them down another path which will lead them to another path, thus taking them even further from the original situation as well.

I don't know if I'm making any sense...I've just been haunted by these thoughts lately.

randommmmmmmmm.

I want everything to be new.

I want a new start. A new life. A new place.

I wish I'd been born a redhead.

I wish I lived in New York City.

I wish I could do 'casual'.

I wish I had something yellow to wear.

I wish I worked in a coffee shop and listened to 'A Fine Frenzy' all day every day (okay, maybe not all day everyday, but a lot).

I wish I had some hot tea.

I wish I could just leave everything behind and become someone completely new.

In fact...I wish I could just...change my name. To...Fiona. Or Isabella or something. Even though neither of those are particularly appealing to me...Isabella's better than Fiona though...maybe I'll go with that.

Awww damn. Things will be good again=)

8-O

  I'm really getting tired of people being creepy...I know some of you are like, lurking around my blog...Look in my sidebar. There should be a little counter there that tells me where you people are reading from. Now it's nice that you guys are reading, but only if it's because you're genuinely interested in the goings-on of my life and in my thoughts. I would just like to say that if you don't like me, get the hell off my blog and stop lurking around. I'm not kidding. If you don't like me, there is no need for you to be so interested in my personal life. 

  And another thing...if you don't like, me, get rid of me on your other accounts, too. I got an anonymous comment telling me (in much more rude words) that I was an insecure, fake bitch. I don't know who sent it...But honestly, if I don't have anything nice to say to someone, I don't say anything at all unless the situation calls for it or they confront me first. I don't think that's being fake...I think it's accentuating the good things. Now seeing as the comment was anonymous and assumptions are stupid, I'm not going to go around deleting the people I think may have said it, but if you're reading this, I advise you to go ahead and delete me, since you obviously don't like me. 

  Back the hell off and get out of my life. Stop voyeuristically watching me and stop stalking my things. It's c-r-e-e-p-y. 

  For those of you who like me and actually have an interest in my life...carry on=) And sorry for this blog. I'm just a little irritated right now. 

intothebrainandontotheblog.

I was talking to my friend Devan earlier today.

After a short while of talking, I realized that I have reached the most confusing point in my life as of yet. I mean, this past year takes the cake for confusing times. It wins hands down. Out of every confusing and frustrating time in my entire life before now, this past year absolutely tops everything else.

And I never do anything to make things less confusing for myself. I go after what I want right now...in the moment. I don't think about the future.

It could be considered a good thing...At least by those people who say "Don't worry about anything, live for today" bla bla bla...But when I do that, today is miserable because I know that by living for today I wreck tomorrow.

The dating game is a tough one to play.

Why is it so addicting?

People get burned over and over and yet they offer themselves up to be burned once again...Or at least to burn others.

They are masochists.

I am a masochist=D

Anyone got any wisdom for me?

amazazing!

I rode with my friend Elishah to a Bible Study I attend yesterday, and we had a very interesting discussion.

Elishah is the kind of person that can make conversation out of nothing...It's a gift and an art form with her. I hadn't been in the car but a minute when suddenly I was being informed of all the events taking place in every museum in our city within the next month=D

Among these events, there was included a chocolate tasting at our local civic center. The admission is $10, and chefs from all over the city are going to bring chocolate pastries and delicacies of all kinds for people to try...

Naturally, being a chocolate-lover, I automatically said, "Let's plan something!" Haha.

After this, something occurred to me, which Elishah and I spent the rest of the ride talking about.

People are always complaining of boredom. They are tired of doing the same old same old. Watching movies and going bowling is fun, but it's not new or exciting. Yet we consistently do these things over and over as if there is nothing else to do in life. As Elishah put it, "We pay to have our creativity taken away from us."

But there are so many new and interesting things to do right under our noses! There are so many opportunities and fun things to do if we simply use our imaginations and utilize the opportunities we're given!

A chocolate tasting. So random. So out of the ordinary in the way of things we do to kill boredom. It's perfect!

And there are things like this to do ALL the time! All we really have to do is look a little deeper than what movies are playing at the moment.

And honestly, we don't even need money to do some things. All we need is a little creativity and ingenuity.

Here are some of the things to do that Elishah and I came up with:

* A painting party - Obviously, a get together where all of those invited paint;-)

* Everyone goes to the library and draws another person's name from a hat, then picks out a book for that person to read. Then, everyone goes to a park and reads to the group excerpts from the book that was chosen for them.

* A random picnic out by the highway.

* A random photo shoot in all of our favorite spots downtown.

* A walk by candlelight.

* A walk through a rose garden.

* A walk in the rain.

* Go watch a choir performance, or a jazz ensemble, or a play!

Life doesn't have to be boring! We let it get that way by not utilizing the opportunities in front of us, and by not allowing our creativity to help us come up with something to do besides sitting down in a dark room on your rump for hours.

I plan to do a lot more random, sporatic, and amazingly fun things this year! 2009 is going to be a good one, I think;-)