The Mudhole

I have been going through a very confusing, hard time lately.

I feel heartbroken over things that happened a long time ago. I'm feeling things I thought I would never feel again...Things I was doing such a good job at warding off. I've become SUCH a happy person. I mean genuinely happy. And SO hopeful. I have so much hope for the future. But in these past few days I've just been so sad and sluggish. I finally let all these negative feelings catch up with me, and trust me, it stinks. A lot.

I think the reason I've been so vulnerable to these feelings lately is that I'm further away from God than I have been in a long while. I don't know exactly the cause. But I feel so distracted...so unwilling to surrender. It's like there's an anti-Kendra forcefield around my Bible. I'm not kidding.

But you know what's weird? It's that I feel SO far from God, and yet I feel Him so close to me at the same time. I feel like I'm sitting in a mudhole. Tired of seeking God out. Opting instead for the pit of my own self-pity; And yet instead of running further away, telling me to get back up and chase Him even though I'm exhausted, God stops, sits down in the mud with me, and starts to teach me. He starts to talk to me, and tell me things about Himself. I never lift my head. Never let Him know that I'm listening. But He knows I am, and so He keeps teaching. Keeps talking. And I keep learning.

I love God so much. He's amazing. I wish I didn't feel so washed out.