in 2008, I :

* Learned to drive.

* Learned to perform efficiently in a stressful environment.

* Learned that I can do a lot more than I think I can.

* Learned how to cut the crap and be a jerk to guys if need be.

* Learned to say no...sorta.

* Became a fan of techno/rap/pop/other kinds of music I never thought I'd listen to in a million years.

* Fell for him - thus proving that I can fall.

* Put myself out there more than I have in years.

* Got hurt more than I have in years.

* Learned many invaluable lessons that I am incredibly grateful for.

* Made some of the best memories of my life.

* Made up my mind to live in Italy for at least a little while.

* Made up my mind to go to New York City.

* Made up my mind to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...in person.

* Wrote poetry.

* Discovered that I have WAY more talent and brains than I utilize.

* Resolved to utilize my talent and brains a hell of a lot more than I do.

* Learned to stop and take in the moment. 'Smell the roses', ifou will.

* Got rid of a stalker.

* Got rid of several potential stalkers.

* Got someone fired from their job=D (Not on purpose, and I grin because they deserved it).

* Discovered my secret turn-on (not like that...just something I tend to be attracted to) and it turns out I wish I didn't like it so much=(

* Learned WAAAAAAY too much about astrology and know the birthdays of basically everyone...celebrities included. Be afraid.

* Learned that I suck at giving gifts.

* Learned that I am a verbal monster, and I can slay you with my words.

* Discovered the magic of poppyseed dressing.

* Became even more obsessed with sushi.

* Developed healthier habits...sorta.

* Discovered Russell Brand;-)

Welcome 2009. Please be on your best behavior. I can't take another year like this one.

hug a little tighter.

My Great-Grandma died today.

I didn't know her that well, honestly...but I know that what I did know of her was amazing.

She recently celebrated her 95th birthday, and she was fiery up until the end! I remember talking to her at my grandmother's kitchen table and listening to her tell a story about a boy that had lifted her over his shoulders and carried her up a set of stairs when she was about my age.

And let me tell you...she was as pissed off as if this 'shameful' event had taken place just the day before! She did an impression of how she had slapped him and her eyes narrowed as she remembered it.

Just this year she told her daughter she was thinking of getting married again=)

The last time I saw her, I had no inkling that it would be the last time I'd see her again. Maybe I'd have hugged her a little tighter or said goodbye more sincerely. Maybe I would have said 'I love you'.

I don't have regrets about my relationship with her, because I spent as much time as I could talking to her and getting to know her...

But things like this just get you thinking about the fragility of life. My great grandmother was very old...It is sad when an elderly person dies, but it can't be said that she didn't live a good, long life. However, death is hanging over us all the time. It's so easy to get caught up in all the small, petty things in life and forget that we ought to be making the most of every moment.

We ought not to be holding back. We ought to be letting our loved ones know just how loved they are...We ought to be seeing all the things we want to see, and doing all the things we want to do. We ought to be forgetting our insecurities and being the best we can be. We ought to be making our mark instead of letting life happen to us.

We are never guaranteed anything in this life. Every breath is a gift.

You never know for sure when you see someone that it won't be the last time you see them again.

So let go. Tell them how you feel...

And hug a little tighter.

LOL.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

seventeen.

I think I've decided that 17 is the most terrifying age EVER.

Maybe 18 is scarier, but I haven't been there yet.

But I'm right at the age where I feel so extremely young and unprepared for the decisions I have to make...But I know I have to make them.

I know that I am capable of making these decisions and of changing anything I want to change in my life...I know I'm capable of moving forward and being what I want to be...I KNOW that I can do it. I know that I have to.

But uncharted territory is always scary for me...for anyone, I guess.

The one thing I need right now is to know that I have support. Please. The one thing I know is that I have to have your support, your permission to move forward. Your permission to take my life in the direction I choose, even if it's not the direction you would choose for me...and trust that if it's the wrong decision, I'm smart enough to realize it with time. I love you so much...I don't want to be away from you. I don't want to break away. I don't want to be apart from you. Separation from you is not what I'm looking for.

I promise to be there for you through your trials...Through whatever these months bring.

Please be there for me through mine. There are things I'm going to need to do to prepare for my own life that I'll need you there for. Please help me. I'm scared, but I feel like it's time for some changes.

I still haven't made my mind up 100%...I am just asking you please, please show me that you'll love me whatever I do...and that you'll trust me to take care of myself.

Don't be sad. Don't worry about it now. I love you very much.

the BS never really died.

Since I knew who the presidential candidates were, I knew this would be an interesting election. Either way we would have a first, and a very important first at that...Either the first black man as president, or the first white woman as vice president.

I've been following the election semi-closely because of this...trying to watch the debates and such. I found it incredibly hard to decide which candidate I would vote for. Admittedly, it didn't truly matter who I supported, seeing as I'm five months shy of being able to vote, but it was good to explore some issues and work things out within myself anyway.

Before yesterday I had decided that if I had been able to vote, I would have voted for John McCain for several reasons...but mainly because he seemed the 'safer' way to go. While Obama captured my attention with his golden tongue and charismatic ways, I thought that as far as the country was concerned, we were better safe than sorry.

Yesterday, in the middle of the day however, my mind was almost changed simply because of the way I saw McCain supporters acting.

Yesterday, I experienced more prejudice and racism than I ever have before in my life.

When I lived up North, race was never an issue. I had heard of racism, but never seen it in action. I had never hated a black person and never truly met any African American that would give their race a bad name. Racism was just not apart of my reality.

Now that we live in the South, racism is a bit more relevant. I've seen it for the first time over these past couple years when I heard older people talking, but dismissed it as old southern talk and tried not to let it make me angry.

The things I heard yesterday though were absolutely atrocious.

I received a text message from one of my friends yesterday afternoon saying, "Polls show Obama in the early lead, but all that will change as soon as all the white people get off work!"

I was immediately offended. First of all, was this meant to say that black people don't work and that we're just waiting for all the good upstanding white citizens to get off work so that they can defeat the bums that voted when they didn't have anything better to do?

Second, is this meant to say that all black people are voting for Obama? Or that all white people are voting for McCain?

There were so many assumptions in that one message, I was infuriated. I thought racism was a thing of the past, especially with nice people like the friend that sent me the message!

Later on another acquaintance of mine made a comment about having a 'nigger president'. This of course, absolutely appalled me! I seriously did not think people still thought this way...Not even here in the South.

This time I confronted it and told the girl it was offensive. That didn't seem to make much of a difference...She just accused me of stalking her (nice defense mechanism right there...maybe I should try accusing people of stalking me whenever I get upset at them) and didn't seem remorseful at all about how disrespectful she had been. I'm still glad I said something though.

Honestly, this has me very upset. I truly thought racism was far behind us, you know?

Obama's politics may be off center, but that has nothing to do with the color of his skin whatsoever...And honestly, he seems like a very strong man who can handle the presidency, and I think he has earned his term.

I watched The View this morning. It really helped me realize what a victory this truly is for black people. Whoopi Goldberg was talking about how she had always known she was a citizen here, and that this was her home...But she said that last night she was struck with the feeling of being able to "Set my suitcase down, finally."

Another African American co-host on the show, Sherri Shepherd, cried when she talked about getting to tell her very young son that he could now do whatever he wanted to do or be whoever he wanted to be.

Another part of that show that struck me was a clip of Martin Luther King Jr.'s famous speech. Here is the same excerpt I heard on the show...

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal. "

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

To me, in light of the racism we see even today, hearing that speech again was very gripping.

I wish everyone could get along. I wish that there wasn't so much hate and racism everywhere, on both sides.

It's pure ignorance.

awhile back.

I wrote this awhile ago. It's weird, but I like the stuff I write when I'm just like, confused and don't know what I'm talking about. I like to look back on it when things make more sense.

When I'm overwhelmed by emotion...
whether it's good or bad, I wish I could let it out.
I wish I could let it out to the full extent that it
needs to be let out. I wish I could let it out in
something other than endless, babbling words.
Empty, cliche', overused talk. Smiles and frowns
and regurgitated nothing. It all means so much
on the inside, but once it's out there it's just
words...words floating in space...Hitting the
ceiling, bouncing off the walls, getting lost.
They are nothing to anyone else. They carry
no weight. I wish that I could let it out in a
physical way. I wish I could be a vessel for
something bigger than myself...I want to stand
on top of a mountain and let it pour out of every
inch of my body...physically manifested as beams
of light. A scream wouldn't be enough, because
there's always more screaming left to do. I
just want it to be let out...In a stream...forever.
Instead of restlessly squirming inside my heart
and head.
When I'm so happy I can feel my heart overflowing,
or I'm so overwhelmed by sorrow that crying
just isn't enough...
Or even just so completely confused that words
can't even begin to touch the strange mix of
emotions and desires going on inside my
head...
I want it out.
OUT. OUT. OUT. For good.

At Least it wasn't a Tatt...

Okay, just to let everyone know...a lot is happening/going on/has happened/has gone on in the past few weeks that I haven't gotten to blog about...so if I pop out a bunch of random posts over the next few days, sorry...the events I blog about will most likely not be in chronological order as far as when they happened...Sorry about that=D

Today I am blogging about something that happened about a week ago. I had decided not to blog about it so that the friends that read my blog would get to see it in person before I blogged about it and such...but seeing as half the friends that read this blog I NEVER see, I thought I would go ahead...

I got my nose pierced!!! I've been wanting to do this for awhile now, and while I was in West Virginia I decided that I was finally going to get it done. The only problem was...I had noooooooo money!!!

So long story short, when I was in North Carolina, my Aunt, Grandad, and Uncle paid for me to get it done!!! Thanks so much, you guys!!! I really appreciate it...My Aunt was about as excited as I was for me to go get it done, haha;-)

I was SOOOOOOOOOOO nervous and worried that it would hurt excruciatingly bad...But the guy that did it was really nice and helped me feel a little bit better. I laid down and he asked if I was ready. I said yes and used all my effort to hold myself still so I wouldn't jump off the table, hahaha...Then suddenly the needle went in! It did hurt quite a lot, and I teared up a bit, but it wasn't unbearable. However, he left the needle in for what I felt was a fraction of a second too long and I started to feel a little pannicked, hehe=D Then he took the needle out and put the nose ring in...That hurt a bit because it was something going into a new injury...But when I looked in the mirror for the first time afterwards I loved it!!!

I'm still glad I got it done...And don't worry, it won't leave a huge hole in my face, lol...They said that if you leave it out for a day it will close up, and I have a friend who took her nose ring out and now you can't even tell she ever had one.

Soooooo yeah! Big changes in the life of Kendra, hehe...

Well, not so big...at least I didn't randomly get a tattoo like some OTHER people I know=D

Million Dollar Houses!

The other day, I went with my aunt and uncle on a tour called 'The Parade of Homes'. The purpose was to showcase houses priced at a million dollars and over.

I had a great time! You'd think you might be bored just looking at empty houses all day, but it was very interesting. The houses were HUGE and beautiful with rooms upon rooms...Each house probably had about 10 rooms and 5 bathrooms, hehe.

The rooms themselves were huge of course.

Each kitchen had unique features. One had a wine cooler and a cappuccino machine! It was really cool...

There was PLENTY of attic space. I told my Uncle Rob that if I lived there I'd spend most of my time in the attic being the phantom of the mansion...to which he of course responded by humming the theme to Phantom of the Opera!

Oh, and one of the coolest features is that each of the basements were fully furnished with a movie theater! THAT made me super jealous...

I just really enjoyed that day. There's something oddly inspiring about empty rooms...It makes you want to fill them up and make them your own.

As grand as the tour was though, I have to say that the highlight of my day happened later on, when my mom unsuspectingly drove into the ghetto. I was in the car with my uncle, who was muttering, "Don't go right, Julie...Don't go right..."

Of course, she turned right, and we passed several intense gang members...Like the kind who belong to the sort of gang where you have to murder someone to get in...

I was CRACKING UP!!! I can't wait to see Devan's impression of the incident;-)

you're a rebel without a cause...

...And you make no sense.

No more games please.

That is all.

Brooding Ill Humor.

My mood on myspace at the moment is morose.

Morose - Sullen, gloomy; showing a brooding ill humour

Why is it that I am sullen and gloomy, showing a brooding ill humor?

There really isn't just one reason, although there are several that are very easily identified. It just feels to me like everything is happening at once.

Why is it that in life, everything is either PERFECT or absolutely MISERABLE? In my experience, all the good things in life happen at the exact same time, and all the bad things in life happen at the exact same time...

I've had an amazing visit with my friends in West Virginia this past week...absolutely amazing. I've missed those little suckers so much! You have no idea...Spending time with them and getting back into my little niche was just like being home again. Honestly, I WAS home again.

This is one reason for my 'ill humor'. The fact that it was just a visit. Just a little taste of what I want so badly to have again, only to be taken away at the week's end as I ride away thinking, 'I'll go home again soon...I'll go home again soon.' But I know that it will be awhile before I do. Even if I were to move back, there would be so many processes and idiotic things to go through before I could finally get back. Ugh.

Another reason for this brooding ill humor is that I just broke up with my boyfriend. Actually, this happened about a week ago. Out of respect, I'm not going to disclose all the details...and he didn't do anything terrible. But I did get hurt...It's going to be awhile before I can get completely over it. That's not to say that I want to get back with him or anything like that. The point is that I gave more of my heart away than I have in a long time. Honestly, I've had a lot of guys after me in the past couple years, and I guess because I didn't get hurt with any of them in spite of their idiocy, I assumed it wouldn't ever happen again.

Boy, was I wrong. I should have known it was all a matter of how much I invested...

When it first happened I remember thinking, "Oh wow...I forgot it felt this bad."

I've discovered once again that the only way not to get hurt is to not get involved with people. People hurt people. It's as simple as that. Now, I've heard people say multiple times, 'Oh yes, you may get hurt...but it's worth the risk because of what you stand to gain.' My response to that is PROVE IT! When I'm perfectly happy on my own, why is it that several months of emotional exhaustion and eventual heartache is worth it because (wonder of wonders!) you may gain an entire LIFE of emotional exhaustion if you can stick it out??? It's laughable to me. Honestly I'm happier when I'm making my own decisions. Doing my own thing. And this is not just post break-up talk...Relationships are thrilling, but in the end I'm totally happy without them.

There are a few people that I totally love and totally trust. These are the people that are worth the emotional exhaustion of relationships...and I have no romantic interest in them, so in the end, it's never quite as emotionally exhausting as being in love.

I don't know. I'm just so confused about everything right now...Nothing I say should be taken seriously at the moment, even though I feel quite seriously about it.

I'm just wallowing. Pay me no mind.

Ike.

As all of you probably know, this past week has been rather eventful for me...

A couple weeks ago my mom, siblings and I evacuated for Hurricane Gustav...it was my first 'hurricane' since we moved to Texas, and my first evacuation. I actually had a pretty good time that weekend. As it turns out, that evacuation was nothing more than a practice run for the real thing. My dad (who stayed to 'ride it out') told us that the storm consisted of rain and a little more wind than what he would have considered normal.

So for the next two weeks or so, we went back to our regular lives. Going to see friends in Beaumont, hanging out at home, going on walks...just chilling out. We didn't think anything else was coming.

When we first heard that Hurricane Ike was on its way, as worried as everyone seemed, I brushed it off. I know I shouldn't have, but I just thought that it would be another false alarm and didn't worry about it.

About five days ago now, my mom woke me up saying that Hurricane Ike was on its way, and we were going to North Carolina. That afternoon, our car was packed and we were on the road. We drove straight through the night stopping only a few times to sleep, and once to see my friend Devan who happened to be in Mississippi looking at a college at the same time that we happened to be coming through. We hung out with him at IHOP at about midnight...he brought some friends with him who were very nice, and we just hung out for about an hour and a half laughing, reminiscing, and having a great time hanging out together for the first time in a year and a half!

Life is weird. I love it though! I just get a thrill thinking about how unpredictable it is, and how wonderful it is to wake up in the morning and never know exactly what situation you'll be in at the end of the day...Even better than that is thinking about how you can watch someone walking into a room and never know what they'll be to you...They could be your future best friend, future significant other...even your future enemy!!! It's just so unpredictable, the things that happen...I love it!

Sorry, I guess I got off on a tangent right there, hehe...

But anyway...Yeah, we drove straight through the night and arrived here at my grandad's house at about 5 o'clock in the evening the next day.

So far the visit has been great...We have had a fantastic time hanging out with my family. I met my little cousin Maverick for the first time, and he is the cutest thing ever...He is WHITE with blond hair and blue eyes...He's two years old but looks younger. He makes the cutest faces, and if you put on 'Burnin' Up' by the Jonas Brothers, he will dance and sing for you! It's adorable...

My other cousins are dolls as well. Bryan is getting so big...He's 8 years old or so now, and he plays football. He is a ball of energy, and has the most prominent dimples...dark skin, and lighter eyes...what a killer combination! In a few years he's going to be a real heartbreaker...

Jenna is six years old with the same same dark skin, light eyes combo as her brother, except she also has beautiful dirty blond hair! I must say, she reminds me of myself when I was little in a lot of ways, except probably even more spunky! The first night we got here Jenna declared that Kaitlyn was 'the little goodest sister' and I was the 'goodest sister'...and made a rule that Kaitlyn was NOT allowed to say bad words in her room, but that I could say whatever I wanted, hahaha...It was hilarious! Then yesterday, we sat down to play a card game with her, and halfway through the game we realized that we didn't know the rules. Well, neither did Jenna, hehe...Here's how she explained the rules to us, "If you get a zero, you win...but if you get a two, we all win right here!" Hehe. She's a cutie;-)

My aunt (Bryan and Jenna's mother) is insane! We walk around talking trash to each other all day, it's hilarious! Yesterday she was on the phone and she said, "Yeah, my teenage nieces...they're so stupid." I looked up to find her looking at me, smirking, and said, "You know what? Shut up. You just get stupider as you get older..." Hahaha! I have so much fun here...My family is nuts...

So yeah. I've been having a good time up here. During the day when everyone is at work and school my sister and I will go chill in the camper by ourselves and talk about astrology and write things down and play cards and talk endlessly about what amounts to nothing...I love it. We like to go in there alone because it feels like it's our own little apartment=D

I have talked to a few of my friends and they said that it will take awhile for our area to go completely back to normal, but that it looks a lot better than it did when the last big hurricane came through and that my favorite coffee place survived (HALLELUJAH! hehe). Our house is fine as well, and power is being restored in a lot of places already. So I'm happy=) I think normality will be restored before I know it.

I hope if any of you had to evacuate you're having as much of an enjoyable time as I am, and if you're working on cleaning up and stuff, I wish you lots of energy...and I hope you're enjoying yourselves as well=) Thank you for making an effort...I feel bad that I can't be helping too.

Dylan, I love you and miss you a ton!<3

lazy day.

Haha. Here is a journal entry I wrote at noon today=D

Okay, before I write this, get your mind out of the gutter...

There are so many things you can do while still in bed!

I have been awake for awhile now this morning, but have not left my bed once except to turn my alarm off a few hours ago...

It's simply delightful!

It's dreary outside, and I think on days like this staying in bed can be an activity in and of itself! I have listened to music, looked at a Delia's catalogue, had mom come in and comment that I look like an elf, and now I have written in my journal, all without leaving my cozy little bed!

Oh yes, and in between activities, I just slip under the covers, tuck them under my chin, and savor the warmth...

I can already tell it's going to be a beautiful day, even once I leave my bed! =)

Now...coffee I think.

Randomness=)

I don't know what to say...but I feel compelled to blog...so I guess I'll just...update? Hehe.

Life has been very good lately. In general, that is. I love my new boyfriend Dylan, and have been getting to spend a fair amount of time with him (even if it doesn't seem enough), which is amazing=D He's so great...

I've been on the go a lot because we have friends from WV staying with us, and that's a lot of fun.

Work is still just work. I'm so glad I only work a few days a week, because at this point I pretty much hate it more every time I go. Not to mention I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to lose my patience with some of the not-so-pleasant customers...I had a hard time keeping quiet today when after a long, obnoxious and confusing order, I asked a question only to receive a condescending, "You didn't understand a thang I just said, didja? Ya need to work on your communication..." Hmph. I swear, my orbicularis oris was working overtime to keep my mouth shut.

And they make us wear obnoxious hats!!!

Okay. I'm done complaining now. Let me just finish that thought with the simple realization that I am not cut out for waitressing, and I am 100% ready to accept that, hehe.

I keep thinking about fall...I am pretty much a fall freak=) I look at pictures of fall, I buy clothes that remind me of fall...It's kind of pathetic, lol. I am trying to learn to keep my head in the current moment, however, and enjoy the rest of summer.

But still, I can't wait=D I just want to wear something with long sleeves and go to the park without melting.

As far as my writing endeavors, I could be more active. Aside from blogging, I've been journaling though. It's a lot of fun when you have a cute one that you feel comfortable with. It's kind of weird, but until I got this perfect journal, I didn't realize how picky I am about how my journal looks...the size of it, the way it's decorated, even the line spacing...It all has to be a certain way for me to really enjoy it, lol.


Co'op started back up today. It makes me sad...I sort of wish I was there. I know we had a couple problems with the way things were done there, and I know that things won't be the same as they were last year anyway...But I'm just going to miss my friends:-( A bunch of them went away to college.

I also miss Ballroom Dancing and doing the play Pride and Prejudice. Those were some good times...

Hmm...what else? I dyed my hair. Just darker, nothing too drastic. It's basically just back to my natural color without all that orangey color in it that was there from when I dyed my hair back in November, ugh.

Anyway. I can't think of anything else. So...until next time I guess=D

ENFP - "The Advocate"

I got the same exact result as my boyfriend and my mom, haha. It's rigged, I tell ya.

Yet it Shall Be: Thou Shalt Lower to their level Day by Day - What is Fine within thee Growing Coarse to Sympathize with Clay.

Today, while I was waiting on my sister's training at the restaurant to be done (we are working together now, by the way! YAY!!!), my mom and brother and I were at a complete loss as to what to do. We were at the stop light in the middle of town when I said, "What are we going to do?" We had a whole hour to kill.

"I don't know," Mom said.

I started racking my brain for the more pretty, quiet, low maintenance or artistic parts of town. Now, I'll admit that these areas or obsolete or at least very rare in any given town in Texas...However, there is at least an art gallery and a library in the town where I work. I suggested going to the library...at first mom protested, saying she had just returned books that were six months overdue, but I bugged her until she gave in. (Kids, if your mom is in the right mood, remember to use this tactic.)

The whole point of this story is to build up to the high point of my day. It really wasn't a high point at all. It wasn't thrilling. It wasn't exciting. It didn't produce great amounts of adrenaline. I simply meandered my way through stacks of books. The simple feel of the library was enough to satisfy me. I haven't been to a library in ages...

I didn't end up looking at a great many pages. I got lost in the poetry section. My mom and I sat on the floor reading poetry. I picked up a book by Alfred Lord Tennyson and found a beautiful poem called 'Locksley Hall'. We only spent about 15 minutes at the library, but I find these few minutes worth writing about simply because they were 15 minutes full of the moments that I crave...The moments I seem to be at a loss for these days. Quiet moments. Pondering moments. Non-busy, non-chaotic, pure, happy moments.

I feel like I got in touch with the real me again today. Not waitress-me, or love-interest-me, or dramatic-aggravated-psycho-me. Just me.

It was perfect.

Now, the poem I read is six pages long, so I am going to just leave you with my favorite line:

Better thou and I were lying; hidden from the heart's disgrace
Roll'd in one another's arms, and silent in a last embrace.

The Strangers

Okay, so...There are very few 'horror' movies that are able to find the delicate balance between soft suspense without any real thrills and utter gruesome terrifying nightmare-inducing gore. I happen to think that The Strangers is one of them. My mother, for the record, does not.

I just think it was well done. The dialogue and situations were realistic...there was good character development in the beginning with the two main characters, and Liv Tyler was beautiful.

If you like horror flicks, you should definitely try this one...It will keep you TERRIFIED, but in a good way...and it hasn't given me a nightmare yet:-D

Happy Birthday Tayva!!!

Acrylics.

In 2006, I got acrylic nails put on for the first time. I hated them.

But let's just say I'm a sucker for second chances...I can't stand the idea that if I didn't give someone or something just one more chance, I might have missed out on something I would end up really liking.

Then again...if something doesn't impress me on the second try, it's out the door, basically forever:-D

I got acrylics done again two days ago. Exactly one day later, I had them taken off.

All I can say is, 'Wow...that was one short-lived phase.'

I never plan to wear acrylics again.

BAM, BAM!!! Take that, Europe!!!

I have made a decision about what I'm doing when I get out of high school.

On April 17, 2010, (give or take a couple days), I am moving to Italy. I am thinking somewhere in Northern Italy, but at the moment Florence and Rome are the two major cities on my list.

Whenever I tell people I am doing this (especially people at work), they ask, "Why? Why does it have to be so far away?" I am always surprised at what a negative reaction I get whenever I tell people I want to see the world. I always thought traveling was a good thing...I always thought experience was a good thing. But here is the answer to that question, 'Why Italy?'

It's really very simple. I want to go to Europe. I have tried learning Italian in the past and loved it. My friend went to Italy, and she says the people there are friendly and warm. Italian food is delicious. Venice, one of the two most romantic cities, is there. The drinking age is only 16. And what in the world is cooler than being able to say that you lived in Italy??? Okay...so maybe there are cooler things...But not to me.

As flippant as that paragraph may sound, I have been seriously looking into this. I have been browsing rooms for rent on sites that advertise apartments...Deciding which city I want to move to, and even invited my mother and sister to come along for a month and help me settle in when I move. My mother is also going to be looking at apartments with me. I am saving like crazy...Right now, for a car. As soon as I buy my car (which should happen next year around the time I turn 18, if not before), I will save up for Italy, so I can have a foundation as well as extra euros when I get there:-D

I am sooooooooooo excited!!! I can't wait. I have always known I wanted to travel, and I knew I wanted to live in Italy for at least awhile...but it wasn't until my friend Sunnie came back from a visit to Italy and France that I decided to make a plan. To get serious about it. With a vague outline of what you want, you get nowhere. I have a solid plan now and I know what I want. I am YOUNG! Now is the time to do these things!!!

Europe won't know what hit it;-)

Being Who I Am.

A much admired coworker said to me today, "You know what I love about you, Kendra?"

I looked at him.

"You are your own person. You're different. Not like everyone else." He went on to tell me that that was what first attracted him to his girlfriend...that she was different than other people, and didn't care what others thought.

I have always known that that was an attractive quality to me, and that it was supposed to be an attractive quality to other people, but I didn't know that it WAS an attractive quality.

I wish I could be even more like that. I have my own sense of humor...my own likes and dislikes...and that shows. But I care too much what other people think about me. Even if it's just because I have a need to be on top, I want other people to know how wonderful I am. That sounds really conceited, but it's true. I just want people to think I'm spectacular and as shrewish as this sounds, to be superior to them. It bugs me to death when people think I am somehow lower than they are, and I go out of my way to prove to them that I am not.

So when my friend said that to me, it got me thinking...and I came to an important realization.

It really and truly honestly does NOT matter what they think. There are some people whose opinions I am never going to change. Mr. Jerkface is always going to think I'm an innocent, naive little twit. Mr. Dud is always going to think I'm jealous of his girlfriend and desperately want to be with him. Mr. Tyrant is always going to see me as nothing more than another female for him to dominate. All of these are idiotic assumptions, and not worth the time it takes to fret over them!

My friend at work is a very, very special person. I haven't known him for very long, and already he means a lot to me. He is one of those people whose opinions count...and he seems to think a lot of me.

I have friends that love and care about me. I have family that live with me day in day out and still like me for who I am. I don't need to prove to the chauvinistic pigs that I'm good enough to be a man. Their opinions mean ZERO, and they are no longer going to bother me:-)

I am my own person.

Forgiveness - Hogs

I just watched a special on 20/20 about forgiveness. There were some very amazing stories about how people had forgiven horrible atrocities committed against them, or someone they loved. I caught the tail end of a story about a woman who forgave a man who raped her, and told him so. Now, to me, perhaps because I have an intense need to be respected, rape is about the most terrible wrong that can be committed against a person, because it shows a complete lack of respect. It is indignity at its worst...a complete disregard for another person's comfort and feelings...This may seem crazy, but I think of it as something worse than murder, because it is something that you have to keep living with. Something you have to strive to overcome daily. Sooooo...when I heard that this woman had forgiven him, my first response was defensive. I thought, 'What a weak woman...to actually TELL a man who had disrespected her in the worst way possible that it was okay!'

I sat with a narrowed brow as I critically took in the other stories. A woman who forgave a man who killed her pregnant daughter. A man who invited a judge who convicted him of a crime he didn't commit to his wedding.

Finally there was a story about a Jewish woman who had been taken by the nazis at a very young age. They had wounded her arm and drained her of her blood so that they could take note of how much blood a person can lose and still live. It was what this woman said that got me thinking...When the interviewer asked her how she had been able to forgive the nazis, she said in her beautiful, thick accent, "I asked myself, how would hating them help me? Would it make my life better?"

I thought about that. See, I have actually written a section on forgiveness in a new Christian book being published soon. I have had the same thought as the old Jewish woman before. "How does hating this person help me?" I have had the strength, in the past, to overcome the worst wrong ever committed against me. But somewhere along the way I lost it. I, the 'expert' on forgiveness, sat on the couch feeling extremely irritated that these people would actually forgive these sick, heartless people. But after I thought about what the Jewish woman said some more, I realized that by forgiving someone, you don't tell them it's alright. You don't say, 'it's okay, please do it again'. You make a choice for yourself not to hold it inside and let it fester up and hurt your life. You make a choice to move on and not let this person hold power over you; and you have to make that same choice everyday...because as you can see from my experience, it is not a one time decision. I have easily become bitter again.

As hard as it may be, I hope I can muster up the strength to be like the beautiful old Jewish woman, and say, "How is this helping me?" Because...it has nothing to do with the person who hurt you. You will never stop hurting until you let it go.

"The naive forgive and forget.

The stupid neither forgive or forget.

The wise forgive, but do not forget."

Now that I'm done with my serious blog, let me move on to the hogs...

My friend came over tonight and informed me that she was hog hunting. I went out into my backyard there were a bunch of country boys gathered there yelling in very thick accents and before I knew it, this huge, HORRIBLE squealing sound came from where the boys were...It was a hog, weighing about 300 pounds, and almost a match for all the boys put together. Every once in awhile after laying almost silent for awhile, the hog would get a second wind and start trying to run away, squealing horrifically all the while. More than once I started running away because it scared me so bad! Hahaha. It was interesting. I feel as if I've seen it all now...

Okay, I haven't seen it all. But that was definitely an experience!

Half the fun was seeing all the testosterone driven boys holding the squirming pig down. It was better than any movie.

Life is Good.

I realized just recently that I don't blog very much anymore, and whenever I do blog, it's about work. WORK for gosh sakes! How BORING.

So I decided to change that and start blogging a lot more and blogging about things that might actually be of interest to other people. Well...not that my life and all my little extracurricular activities are really going to be of interest to anyone else, but at least I won't be blogging about how annoyed I am about such and such at work.

Sooooo. Update on my actual life.

This past weekend I went with my friend Bella (who is a ballerina) to visit a college with her, which is a Christian college for the arts. Bella is a senior and has already applied and been accepted into the college. She hasn't made her final decision about it yet, but it's her second choice for college, and she has a few scholarships there.

This particular college is a school that I've been interested in for awhile, since my friend Tallulah started attending a couple years ago. So I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited when Bella and her family invited Kaitlyn and I to go with them for Bella's dance audition!

Tallulah is no longer in school because she was going for theater, and she was offered a job as a professional actress. But she still lives in town, and five minutes (on foot) from the college! So I called her the night before and asked what she was doing that weekend:-D She practically screamed my ear/her head off, lol...It was awesome! She invited my friends and I to have dinner with her after our trip.

Bella, her sister, Rachel, Kaitlyn and I had SOOO much fun on the trip there! We formed about 500 new inside jokes and had tons of fun doing it! Bella and Rachel made a couple of CDs of mutually loved music to listen to on the drive. We got to know them a lot better as well, which is always a plus! They are some of our really good friends now.

By the time we got to the college, we were all really excited. Bella's mom checked us into a hotel, while I called Tallulah and got directions to her house. Within about 10 minutes we were in Tallulah's kitchen, laughing and talking and letting her get to know our new friends.

She made us a fantastic dinner comprised of a really good salad with poppy seed dressing (which I'd never tried before and really liked), and curry and lentil soup. It was splendifferous!

We couldn't stay very long that night because we were all tired from the trip, but we made plans that while Bella was at her dance audition the next morning, Kaitlyn (my sister), Rachel and I would go to Tallulah's rehearsal with her.

The next morning, Kaitlyn, Rachel and I woke up to a dark room. We tried to turn the lights on, but the power was completely out at the hotel! We were pannicking. There was no way to get a shower, and they weren't expecting the power back on until after we left!!! That was interesting. We went downstairs and ate breakfast, then returned to our room to make an attempt at getting ourselves pretty in the dark. I think we did a pretty good job considering our circumstances:-D

Rachel's mom came back to the hotel soon after we had finished primping and took us about 3 minutes down the road to the theater where Tallulah works. We watched Tallulah and her coworkers perform a play, which they did amazingly well. All the actors were very dramatic and seemingly not afraid of what people thought of them. They were completely in character and very good at what they did...which is perhaps why they are professionals:-D

Right after the play, and congratulating Tallulah on a job well done, I kind of freaked out and had a spaz attack because of the stress in my life right now. I started talking about how I wasn't getting my schoolwork done and how I didn't make enough time for school and how since I started my job it had been even more stressful...At that moment, for whatever reason, something in my brain totally clicked and later on I called mom and asked her to have the computer out of my room by the time I got home:-D (Since she did that, I've been having a lot better luck with my school and have mostly used this computer for educational purposes:-D).

After Tallulah had organized an impromptu re-enactment of the fight scene from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' with her co-workers specially for us, we left the theater and walked to the college. It took about 10 minutes to get there, and it was a lovely walk. The weather was good, and it was just nice to be with Tallulah again:-) When we got to the cafeteria, we sat for about a half hour and talked and just hung out and spent time together.
That's Tallulah in the middle. Kaitlyn is on the left, I'm on the right:-D

While sitting in the cafeteria, I met a lot of Tallulah's friends. One guy that I met had taken the creative writing program that I'm interested in and he said he really liked it and that he had learned a lot about himself through the class. All her friends were very nice...very artsy, as well:-D I like artsy people. I want to be artsy. I hope I'm succeeding.

Soon Tallulah had to go back to work, and so we said our goodbyes. Bella and her mom returned from the dance audition (which she apparently did very well on) and we went on our tour of the college. The campus was very nice and our guide gave us some good insight as to what living at the college is actually like. She was honest too, lol...She talked about how the football players were 'not the brightest bunch of students'...we were all laughing! The dorms were also very nice, but it might just be the idea of living so independently that is so appealing to me:-D Of course, there is also a pretty fountain in the middle of the campus that always has classical music playing around it. It was beautiful!

It wasn't a very large campus, and so it wasn't a very long tour...but by the time we left,I was inspired. I resolved then that I would reallllllly buckle down and do my schoolwork. That I would prioritize and neaten up and organize my life and focus a lot more on my education. Work is a last priority. (Sorry, work!) So far I've been doing pretty well with that resolution. Having the computer out of my room and refraining from myspace has been a HUGE help. There are also plenty of scholarships that I'm researching and planning on applying for. Man, I have so many essays to write this year! It's a little overwhelming, but I'm also wildly excited to do these things!

That night we stayed at Bella and Rachel's house. We watched 'No Reservations' with them (which is a fantastical movie that we saw in theaters awhile ago). The next morning, they made us a very healthy but very, VERY good breakfast of bagels with cream cheese and homemade strawberry jam. The weather was beautiful, and we had a picnic outside. What a good memory! It was amazing. The whole rest of that day was good.

Needless to say, now I am back home, and back on earth, but things seem to be going pretty well:-D I love the positive changes I'm trying to make in my life right now.

Something else to blog about that has nothing to do with my job would be the ballroom dancing classes I am taking! I didn't think I was going to take the class because I didn't have a partner, and I wasn't really up to asking someone to dance with me...but about a week before the class started my friend Daniel texted me and asked me to be his partner. We've been having SO much fun dancing together! The first week we got some of the steps down and it wasn't too bad, but I wasn't amazingly eager for the second class. But last night we danced and learned a lot of new steps. We learned the waltz last night, and Daniel and I got so good that we were able to dance on beat to a very fast-paced song. My heart was beating pretty hard at the end of it, too! It was GREAT fun, and I can't wait for the next class! Something else to look forward to is that not only are we learning these things really well, but the co'op we're involved in will be having a high school prom/dance/formal thingy at the end of the classes at a really nice hotel, and we'll be able to use what we've learned while all dressed up! It's going to be soooooooo much fun!

Life is gooooood.

Satisfied.

Okay, update on the job.

I completed my training a little over a week ago and we opened the restaurant. First, I was hostess. Then, I was FC (which is the person who arranges the food and makes sure everything is right, yada yada yada), and then, I waited tables for the first time at the restaurant. I made 13 dollars off of six tables. Yeah. Only thirteen dollars. Sooo...I was a little discouraged. That was a Sunday, and I've heard that 'church people' are notoriously bad tippers. It turns out that this stereotype is pretty true. I got quite a few people who came in and left me a dollar for a tip.

I thought this was just because I'm not good at waitressing...but I was wrong about that:-D The next time I went to work, I made $50. The next day I learned how to be a cashier (which is actually kind of fun and really easy). Today, I brought home $60 in tips.

I love my job. Every time I go, I am learning more and making fewer mistakes and getting better, and bringing home more $$$$$$$$$!!! Everything is set-up a certain way so I don't have to wander around and ask one of my coworkers if a customer has a question. Everything is precise. I KNOW which tables are mine and I know that if I turn a ticket in, the cook will be able to read it because the abbreviations are, of course, set. It's very nice and a definite confidence builder to be able to do my job. I just like KNOWING what I have to do, and being able to do it. I'm realizing just how sloppy things were at my last job now that I work here.

The atmosphere is also a lot happier. We have these nice little T-Shirts we wear and we can get them in different colors. We don't have to dress all formally and we can wear jeans and sneakers! They always play Christian music which is nice because in the middle of a rush, if I go to the bathroom to escape, there is some really encouraging music playing to calm me down. My bosses are pretty relaxed...I mean, of course they're authoritative, but they're also pretty nice. I get discounts on things I'm not supposed to get a discount on and if I do something wrong, they're just like, "That's okay, we'll fix it." It's nice to feel secure in that way.

I also get to press a lot of buttons and fun stuff like that, haha!!!

Man. I'm so glad to have a real job where I don't have to whine and complain about not getting enough hours! I was scheduled for five days this week, furreeeal!

Superwaitress, take 2.

Okay, so today I wake up to my mom saying gently, "Kendra, did you say your training started at 2 today?"

"No," I said, slightly irritated that she had disturbed my dream.

"What time then?"

"Ten," I said.

"Twelve?"

"No," I said, panicking now. "TEN! What time is it now?!"

"9:30!"

Before I was really awake I was on my feet saying, "What do I do? What do I do?" as if I had forgotten how to get myself ready, trying to figure out if I could work a 20 minute shower into the 30 minutes I had to get ready when the time it takes to drive to the cafe is about 20 minutes, HAHAHA. Needless to say, that didn't work. I ran around my house, jumped into some jeans, tried to put makeup on (and in the process smeared mascara all over my eyelid), and pulled my hair into a bun, which failed to hide the greasiness. Long story short though, my mom and sister did my chores for me, and Kaitlyn made me some toast and coffee, which I ate in the car. I have a good family:-D

On the way there, I decided I didn't look toooo bad, and within twenty minutes of waking up, I was clocking in:-D

I sat by myself at a table for awhile before a nice girl named Kelsey sat at the table with me, and we talked a little bit. She had a nice smile, and I think/hope that she won't be stupid and mean like some of the people I've worked with.

For the first half hour to an hour, I was befuddled by all the things I had to learn and make sense of, but as time went on, I realized it was going to be pretty simple once I got the hang of it. It may take some time to get into the swing of things, but I will, and I'm going to try my hardest.

The male manager is still very nice, and I met the female manager today. She's the one who trained me and the other waiters/waitresses. After the training was over, I asked some questions, and she gave me my Elijah's t-shirts (green and pink...like a freakin' watermelon, haha...actually I ordered pink and blue, but they didn't have blue, so whatever), and aprons. Yes, I have an apron. And I have to wear it, haha:-D

This job is going to be fun. I'm working the day shift because I'm homeschooled, so the people I'm working with are mostly older than I am, which means that even if they don't have life down yet, they're college kids and young parents, and they're more mature. Even if only just mature enough not to call you names behind your back.

Oh, one more thing I have to add! I experienced the weirdest sort of attraction of my life today. Okay, maybe not the weirdest, but pretty weird. It wasn't really a romantic attraction. I'm not sure what sort of attraction it was. But there was this guy there. He was dark and had awesome hair and was wearing cool clothes and just seemed really cool. Have you ever experienced this sort of magnetic thing with another person? For some reason, throughout the time that the lady was training us, I just watched him. Like, not on purpose...but my eyes kept wandering back to him. He came over to my table to sit with Kelsey (who he somehow knew), and I just kind of stared/smiled at him, wanting to introduce myself, but I wasn't able to. Afterwards, I felt weird and stalkerish, because I kind of hovered around him like, watching him, HAHA! He finally introduced himself, and I introduced myself to him, at which point I realized how weird I must look, hahaha...I couldn't help it though! It was like, magnetic. Like I said, not really a romantic attraction. Magnetic is the best way to describe it.

Extremely Random Update.

Hello, fellas:-)

The truth is, right now I am in the best mood that I've been in for awhile. I think PMS is the culprit. Hormones are being released all over my body and carried by my blood throughout my body to the receptors that somehow make me cranky. For some stupid reason, my receptors did not send out a signal to stop releasing the hormone, and so it kept going on and on. This horrible depression...this bad mood. And of course, the duration of influence was probably like, 5 years, hahaha...

Yeah, I just got done studying hormones in my anatomy course. It's probably the first or second most interesting module we've done thus far. Anyway, lacking in eloquence though the above paragraph may be, it is true. I have been suffering (and yes, I do mean suffering) from PMS for awhile now. The worst symptoms I've had in months and months, including, of course, this bad mood. But for some reason I got up today and I was like, hyper and happy. So I guess that frickin' hormone is no longer being released, haha...

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned in any previous blog entries, but I quit my job at the restaurant where I used to work because they're ignoramuses. HAHAHA. But yeah. They weren't so good and no one that has worked there and no longer works there has anything good to say about it. I applied at the new restaurant in town called Elijah's Cafe, and I haven't even worked there yet, but I'm already loving it. I mean, this might sound weird, but I love the fact that they make me memorize the whole menu and train for days and take a health class. I love it because it means that 1) I'm working for a good business that actually takes pride in being non-disgusting and organized 2) They actually care about me being confident about my job and in my ability to do my job. With the other restaurant I worked at, they kind of had me trained, except not by the right people because the girl that was supposed to train me had an attitude about it...so basically anyone that was willing to help train me pitched in a little. At Elijah's, they're actually making me go through a class, which is really nice in a weird way. I know the menu, and I know the abbreviations, and the prices, so when I'm waiting on someone, I won't be treated like an idiot, and the cook isn't going to yell at me because of the way that I chose to abbreviate something that no one told me the right way to abbreviate.

OKAY! Bad Kendra. No ranting! Lol.

Anyway, as for other new things in my life...Co'op is going very well. I'm making new friends and becoming closer to the ones I've already made all the time...I'm seeing different sides of people that I love, love, LOVE, and even the guys are like, super awesome. They are so lovable and sweet and just...awesome. Yeah.

I'm also taking a drama class there, and we're doing Pride and Prejudice the play. My really good friend Katelyn got the part of Elizabeth, and I got the part of Jane...the oldest sister, who falls in love with Mr. Bingley. It's way cool because Jane is one of the biggest parts (not really the main character, but she has one of the main love stories), and I get to act alongside one of my best friends as her sister! It's going to be a lot of fun and I'm getting more and more excited about it all the time. We found patterns for dresses (we're making our own), and they're really beautiful and elegant. I can't wait!!! My lines are actually coming along quite easily, too:-) The oooooonly awkward thing is about the guy that plays Mr. Bingley. We haven't worked with blocking yet, and we have to act all lovey-dovey and run around stage being like, "Woo-hoo, we're getting married!" and I'm a little nervous about that. I don't think he is. I don't think he even seems to notice that it's a love story, hahaha...but it's just going to be interesting:-D

Oh, and also one of my other good friends at co'op is having a Valentine's party:-D I really love co'op. More and more all the time. It's becoming my outlet. My escape. My hideaway from Hickville, Texas! My friends are perfect and they really like me there. I'm getting invited to parties and expanding my social life, and I'm just...having a great time of it:-D

That's all I can think of for now. Yeah, kind of random. But please pray that I can get my school work done!!!