Feeling Yucky.

Today, I feel blech.

Yep. Blech. There's no other way to describe it. My eyes don't want to stay open, every part of my body feels so heavy and unwilling to move. I'm sort of stressed and overwhelmed, and if you know me, you probably know that I do not respond well to stress. Even though I try to let it motivate me, my natural reaction to stress is pretty hippie-ish ("It's all good man"). Not to mention I feel sort of bloated and gross.

I can't wait for Christmas break. Not that I'm a poor, overworked little pack mule or anything and Christmas break is the only time that I can breathe...but I just really need some time to recuperate...from schoolwork, from Michael, from everything. I want more than anything to hop into some sweats and hunker on down to read Jane Austen without interruption for hours and hours...or possibly even Harry Potter again. I want to stay up late and watch my favorite Christmas movies and watch the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. I just need a recovery period after everything that's been happening lately.

I just need to push through these next two weeks or so...

superwaitress.

Last night was my first night of work. Actually, it was technically just my first night of training.

I was so nervous all day...in fact the first thing I said yesterday morning was, "Oh my god!!!" I was really panicked, haha...I was practically hyperventilating on the way to the restaurant!

When I got there, there was practically NO ONE there. Just a couple and their baby. That's it. Michael and two of the waitresses were standing at the wait station, and they motioned for me to come over. He introduced me as his girlfriend (which was very nice - It's annoying when your significant other introduces you as 'a friend'), and they were very nice to me. The older one was pentecostal, and her shift had just ended. Her name was Sophie, and she was very sweet...she told me there was nothing to be nervous about and everything. Amy, the other waitress there, was sweet too...she was closer to my age than Sophie, and she told me that if Catherine (the waitress I was supposed to be 'shadowing') didn't get there soon, I could follow her...

Then another waitress got there. She was blond, looked perfect, and had a cloud of perfume around her. She paid no attention to me, and when someone introduced me to her, she just sort of went, "Hi," really quickly and walked off. I thought she was really snotty and thought that I had met someone I would NOT get along with. I was wrong though. I mean, we're not best friends or anything, but I introduced myself formally, and tried to be nice, and she was civil. She and Amy took turns showing me things and familiarizing me with different aspects of the job.

For the first half hour or so before Catherine arrived, I was really stressed out. I didn't think I was ever going to understand all the things I had to do and in what order, and Amy and Jennifer, although they were nice, kind of just told me random things without telling me in what context I might have to do them. To be honest, I still don't understand all of it, but I have another whole night of training, so I think I'll be okay eventually.

Catherine arrived and I trailed her most of the night. Towards the end of the night, she actually asked me if I wanted to wait a table, and I was going to try, as long as she would watch me do it and make sure I did everything right...but I'm sort of glad I never got the chance. The three guys I was going to wait on left (saying they would return, which they never actually did) before I could ask what they wanted to eat. They looked either high or inbred, and they were so creepy that even my boss told Michael (the only guy at the restaurant at the time) to come out if they returned back to the restaurant, I guess to just sort of let them know that it wasn't just a bunch of girls at the place alone. Which...okay, yeah, I understand...but I'm not a helpless female, either. I can kick some inbred you-know-what if I want to! lol

So, my actual jobs last night included: Learning lots of stuff, wiping down glass, clearing and wiping off tables, refilling people's drinks, sweeping the dining part of the restaurant, cleaning out the tea dispenser and wiping the outside of it, and again, learning lots of STUFF!!! Oh yes...I also rolled the silverware thingies. I'm big. I'm bad. I roll silverware up in napkins:-D

Nervous.

Right now, I am really nervous about my job!

My biggest concern is that I'll make an idiot out of myself. I have ADD, and I get distracted easily, so I come off as 'ditsy'. Now, all my life, people have accepted 'ditsy' as part of my personality, and even thought it was cute. Sure, they made fun of me, but it was always in a loving way.

If I'm a waitress, ditsy is NOT going to be cute anymore. I'm trying to just sort of pre-train myself...you know, just learning how to concentrate on one thing. But it's just so nerve wracking! I remember during certain babysitting jobs a couple years ago, all the kids would be running in fifty different directions, screaming, getting into things they weren't supposed to, and while I was trying to stop one of them, another would be doing something worse! I was lucky to have my sister there to help me, but sometimes, I'd look around and I wouldn't know how to even start rounding them up, you know? At that point, I would just have to force myself to laugh and be calm, and then after a few minutes I would start going after them again. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it's not...but what if that happens while I'm a waitress? People will be waiting on me for things...what if I don't have a moment to breathe and be calm?

I think I can handle this. I have two days of training before they 'set me free', and I know if I just concentrate, I can pull off anything I want to.

It's just SCARY!!!

Waitress.

Today, I went in for my first job 'interview'.
I applied at 'The Tree', which is a nice, homey restaurant about 5 minutes from my house.
Truth be told, it wasn't an interview at all. I already had the job, thanks to Michael. He put in a good word for me, and when someone has been working there as long as Michael has, they usually just trust their recommendations.
I was SOOOOOO nervous before the interview...I was screaming at everyone in my family, and getting upset about everything.
When I got there, though, they made me comfortable. Everyone kept saying things like, "Why are you with Michael?" and asking him things like, "How did you get a girl like that?" hahaha...
Michael took me off to this side area where there was a big fireplace, and a table where I was going to be interviewed. The lady who owns the restaurant (with her husband) was with me pretty quickly, and began to talk to me about the schedule and everything.
Apparently on Tuesday and Wednesday I work from 5 to 10, but those are really just going to be my training days. I am going to be 'shadowing' two different waitresses. One of them I know already...her name is Catherine. She's pretty nice. I met her at Michael's church a couple of times. Then there's Shana, who seems nice, too.
All they really told me was that I needed to look presentable, be organized, pin my hair up, and wear a white shirt with black pants. They also gave me a menu to study and become familiar with.
I'm so nervous about my first day, but also really excited! I'm also going to be working with my boyfriend. While I realize that working with him isn't going to be 'all flirting all the time', it's going to be nice to be near him so much, you know?

Cheese.

I'm tired of cheese!!!

I'm tired of cliche's and happy plastic people...Give me the truth...Show me something real...something wonderful and unique...show me something that doesn't require all of its members to be mindless drones that spout off what they think they are supposed to spout off...Show me goodness, and real love...Don't show me a single act of charity performed by you and a group of all your close buddies a couple years back and act as if that's the definition of love! Don't give me your facades...Keep your bubbly, plastic, gray subsitution for real life...Don't even use the word 'evil'. Don't turn this into a political game. Don't use acts of kindness to secure yourself a position among the 'higher-ups'. Don't take advantage of my heartache. I am not just a number. I am not a dollar in the offering plate or a digit on the attendance chart. Don't try to get me to admit my sins to you just so you can spout them off to all your friends...

Don't. Just don't.

Co'op

Today was the first day of co'op...and it was better than I thought it would be.

We got to the place before the first class started at about 8:45 am, and a couple of ladies told my sister and I could go into the library and hang out while we waited for the other kids to be done with their first class, and mom helped get things set up. So we went into the library and I caught up on a little bit of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows while I waited. About halfway through, Kaitlyn and I killed some time by walking around the place and met some kids who were also skipping out on the first class.

At 9:45, our first class, English, started. My sister and I were the first ones there, partly because we had nothing to do, and partly because we were excited and wanted to get the day going. The teacher of the class was young...in her early twenties - a homeschool graduate - and very nice. She told us to sit down, so we did, and soon the other kids started pouring in.

I thought I was going to be the only one over fourteen in the class...I thought I was going to feel big and out of place...but actually, most of the kids in the class were 16 or 17! It was pretty cool! Everyone in the class was nice, and the lesson was good...nice and easy for the first lesson...

Our next class was literature. In this class, there were only two students besides my sister and I, and they were both boys. I think it's cool to have a nice small group of people for classes like this sometimes...your opinion can be heard better, and it's more of an intimate atmosphere. I really like this class so far, because I'm a reader, and in this class I'm able to learn about and discuss concepts that I already had down in my mind, but could not find names for. It was a very good class. Our first book will be Around the World in 80 Days.

After that we had lunch, during which we met a whole flock of girls, all of whom were very friendly, and asked us to sit with them. While we sat in their general vicinity, Kaitlyn and my mom and I stuck together for the first day. When we went to heat up our food in the microwave, this very tall blond boy came up to us out of nowhere and started shaking my sister's hand, saying, "My name's Steven!" when I came up from the microwave, he shook my hand and introduced himself, too. Now, I thought this was very impressive...and he didn't stop impressing me all day. He was just a sweet gentleman.

My Biology 2 class was a bit harder than the first two, although I liked it, and it was very enlightening. It was good to have a teacher explain things that the book just did not seem to explain very well without visual aid, and I think I'll do okay in this class. The teachers are both very nice, too...Just very sweet ladies. They are excited about God, and Biology...I think they'll do a great job.

After Biology, this girl named Kaitlyn came up to me and was asking me about how I liked Biology and we talked about what we were having a hard time understanding and how good the class was...She was just so sweet! She came up to my sister and I again after that to ask us how we liked our first day of Co'op.

I don't think people realize how much the little things count. Just being friendly and bubbly and going up to someone and talking to them can work wonders, and this co'op was just full of spectacular people all day long...we never felt left out...we never felt like the 'new kids', at least not in a 'you're-separate-from-the-rest-of-us-way'...

I loved it.

"Old Enough" - And Co'op!

Today, I did not get on the computer at all until just about an hour ago, and today has been spent blissfully in my PJs, reading 80 pages of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and studying my Biology.

I have been applying myself more than usual and getting a lot done lately...which I am very happy about. I'm tired of days spent on the computer, dreaming and planning about what I am going to do when I am old enough instead of just BEING old enough right now. There are so many things I can do that I just don't do because I'm 'not old enough' - when in reality it's just because I'm lazy and I don't want to get things together in order to do what I want to do...and since I've been making myself do these things, there is a great satisfaction about life because I'm at least dabbling in the things I want to do instead of vegging out on the computer.

A lot of good things have been happening lately...I have just come out of a season of depression - not horrible depression, but just missing the things I used to have in West Virginia that I feel like I don't have here...we had things to do - obligations to fulfill. I prefer a little bit of stress to no expectations at all. Sometime in June, I just started losing my optimism a little bit and sinking into hopelessness. I couldn't see how things were going to get better living here...

But just recently, my mom heard about this homeschool co'op...Homeschool Grace Co'op, and we will be attending. It seems like a great place...You go once a week, and it is structured like a school, except you only take classes that you want to take. It seems so great, and it fits in alright with the whole unschooling philosophy I try to abide by, too...because I'm not taking any classes that I'm not interested in. My subjects will be English, Literature, Biology 2, Art, and Drama. I can't wait!

Apparently there are going to be a lot of kids my age, too...plenty of high schoolers to get to know - people I might actually have something in common with...

I feel like a geek for being so excited about this...sort of desperate...but I think it's okay for me to be a little bit overexcited about this, considering the fact that in some ways, I've been the boy in the plastic bubble for the past year and a half!

YAY FOR CO'OP!!!

Girls Night: Bikers, Babes, and Chocolate Covered Espresso Beans

I had my first really fun girls night in awhile a couple days ago...
My friend Bethany has been wanting me to come visit her youth group with her for awhile now, and the other night her church was having a youth rally, so we decided to go to the youth meeting while our moms had coffee and shopped or whatever it is they do...
So we went to church. It was great...it was a lot of fun, in a high-energy, 'you're-going-to-get-onstage-whether-you-like-it-or-not' kind of way (they had my sister and I come onstage and give them a short version of our life stories), and there was a speaker there that talked about how to be a 'suphero of the faith' (and also, there was a really cute guy there! My sister, Bethany and I were drooling, lol).
So when church was over, our moms were there waiting for us, and we left pretty quickly. Mom gave us chocolate covered espresso beans, which I think hit our bloodstream immediately. Soon the topic of a movie we have been dying to see called 'Becoming Jane' came up, and before we knew it, a pathetic attempt at a 'this-isn't-really-going-to-happen-but-I-might-as-well-ask-anyway' sort of plea from the teenagers became an actual plan, and we were on our way to the movie theater!!!
We got to the first theater, and in spite of the fact that it was opening day, and there was a poster for it outside the theater, it wasn't showing there. We spent a couple minutes trying to call the other theater without success, and soon decided to just drive over to the other theater and see if it was playing.
As we were leaving the parking lot, Kaitlyn and Bethany looked out the back window and saw two guys on motorcycles right behind our car. They started waving..."Wave, Kendra!" they said. Soon we were all waving and grinning flirtatiously at the bikers behind us. They started trying to go around us, and when one of them went by my window, I waved and smiled, and he grinned like the Cheshire cat at me, then got right in front of our car with his friend.
Bethany is crazy. She rolled down her window and we all started yelling, "Hey boys!" and such at them (please don't think we're bimbos...you never know what you're going to do when you're in a group of girls and all hopped up on espresso!).
We saw the two guys grinning at each other and talking in front of our car, then, when traffic started moving again, you wouldn't believe what happened! One of the guys did a wheely right in front of us on the motorcycle, and the other guy kicked both legs up in the air! It was so awesome...we started cracking up and squealing...it was like having our own little show!
So, needless to say, we were hyper for the rest of the night...
We got to the other theater, and the movie wasn't playing there, either...so we ended up seeing No Reservations instead...it was a great movie! Really sweet...all the food looked delicious, and Catherine-Zeta Jones is beautiful, as always.
On the way out of the movie, we ran into my friend Sunnie, who had been over at my house for basically the whole day before we left for church...she just happened to be there with a friend at the same theater at the same time! I don't know why It's a Small World After All hasn't been stuck in my head for days, lol...
Kaitlyn, Bethany and I all took mini-naps in the car on the way home...we were worn out! I think though, the espresso beans did have a pretty good effect on us, because when I finally got to bed I couldn't go to sleep! I'm not sure if this helped or not, but I had a glass of milk and then went right to sleep...I've heard that milk helps you sleep...Can anyone verify this?

Double Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of two different events in my life.

The first is this: Three years ago today, my first boyfriend, Justin, asked me to be his girlfriend. To me, at the time, this was the best thing that could possibly have happened to me...I really, really liked him, and although I knew the answer would be yes, I told him I'd have to talk to my mom about it...tortured him for a few hours, and then finally gave him my answer (yes, duh). It was a very important day for me, and he was a very important person to me, and I guess he always will be. I'll never forget him.

It's hard to believe it's been three whole years; And yet it's just as hard to believe it hasn't been even longer. I feel like I'm a completely different person now...I think, that while I still have quite a bit of growing up to do, I have grown up a lot since then...

And here's the second: Two years ago today, I got my first blog. I still have it, and the URL is homeschoolblogger.com/missingyoualwayz. I don't use it anymore, but I used it to let my friends know about some pretty interesting things in my life. That blog helped me to chronicle some of the more dramatic events in my teen years so far. I wrote about boys, friends, and about how I rededicated my life to God. It's good for a writer to have an outlet:-)

Colorquiz

My friend showed me this a long time ago, and every once in awhile I take the quiz again just to see if it still has me right...

It's AMAZING! Just by me clicking a bunch of random color squares it can tell me what's going on in my life...I mean, of course only I know exactly what the situations they're hinting at specifically are, but still...the fact that it can even vaguely determine what's going on inside me is just amazing.

Take this quiz...you may be as amazed as I am!

(And also, feel free to read my results!)

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a change in her circumstances or in her rela..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Papa, Death, and Kissing

A year ago yesterday, my Papa died of a brain tumor.

It's so strange that it happened a whole year ago, and yet so much in my life has changed since then that it's quite obvious some time has passed. It just doesn't seem like he's dead sometimes...I guess it's that way with anyone who dies. I didn't know him very well, but I knew him well enough, and some days I really miss him. I can't imagine how it must be for my Memaw...Pray for her please. She had said that this means she hasn't even been able to talk to him for a whole year.

You know, he was always a strong guy. He was about 70 when he died, but he never looked elderly, you know? It didn't seem like it was his time yet.

When he died, it was my first real experience with death, and I was amazed at how natural it felt..for.maybe not for him, but for me. I had thought that to feel death in the air would be scary, and unnatural. I remember the night before he died sitting in the living room and thinking, "There's death in the air." It's a dramatic sentiment, but it's what I thought. I could feel it. It was a heavy presence, but not the horrible, scary thing I imagined. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt as if this thing, death, was a part of life. Not the end of it, but apart of it. Sort of the way you build up your first kiss in your head to be this grand thing...You've never kissed anyone, and you think it's going to be some great romantic, dramatic thing with music playing in the background and everyone clapping or something of the like...then it happens, and yes it's romantic, but it's a lot more comfortable and ordinary than you had imagined as well. It's not dramatic. It's a good thing, but it's also just a part of life. That's sort of how I would describe the feeling of death...you think it's going to be this scary, bad, horrible thing...and yes it is scary in the sense that it's new territory...it's scary in the sense that no one who is alive could describe to you what it's like to die, and it's scary in the sense that we don't know what's going to happen to us afterwards for sure...but it's not scary in the horror-movie kind of way. Yes, it's a bad thing in the sense that it's sad and we won't get to see that person anymore, but it's not a bad thing in the sense that we'll never be able to move on...not in the sense that our lives come to a screeching halt. It's a part of life. As natural as a kiss. At least for me, the observer.

One more thing I have to say though...it may have been more natural feeling for me, because I was not married to him, and I was not his child. I loved him, and I was close to him, but it may have been easier for me to observe how natural death felt to the onlooker because I was not as grieved as some. That's not to say I didn't love him...Just that I can understand if you have lost someone very close to you and to you, it did not feel natural at all.

He's in a better place now, I know that much. It was hard to be sad for him when he died because I know that he's in a better place. That sounds cliche', but it's true. He wouldn't come back to this world for anything.

Guess what, Guys???

I know what my true love's name is going to be!!!

I took this quiz on blogthings, and apparently his name is Wesley!!!

You know, like from The Princess Bride!!! Wesley, remember???

I'm so excited! I'm going to marry Wesley!!! lol

You know what's really kind of funny? Is that this guy, the guy who plays Wesley, looks almost exactly like my dad when he was younger...

HAIRSPRAY!!!

I went to see Hairspray today, and it was AWESOME!!!

The story I think was originally from a book, which was turned into a movie in the '80s, which was turned into a Broadway Musical, and now back into a movie musical.

I plan on seeing both the older movie, and someday the Broadway play, but right now, I'll be satisfied with the teeny bopper version I just saw...

The storyline was about this chubby girl named Tracy who always wanted to dance on this show called The Corny Collins Show. At the same time that she is pursuing her dream of dancing, there is a battle going on 'behind the scenes' over the segragation of blacks and whites. Tracy is completely against segregation, and in the proccess of doing what she knows is right to help 'integration' become a reality, she may be jeopardizing her wishes for her own future.

The story is just amazing...To sum up the movie, it is a great story about how people should overlook each other's difference and learn to love one another, and accept one another. And, my personal favorite, about how guys don't always fall for Barbies:-)

The music was great, the actors were great...I just give this movie a big thumbs up, and a reccommendation to you all!

Books! Wonderful Books!

I have been in Book Heaven recently.
Not because before there weren't good books, but only recently have I gotten organized about it. I now have running list in progress, and whenever I think of something I want to read or get book reccomendation, I put it on the list. And I have actually been reading, too!

I just got finished with Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, for the second time, and it is an excellent book. Amazing. I have to read it at least once a year now...

Now I am reading Addicted to Mediocrity by Frank Schaeffer, which is about Christians and the Arts...I have only read the first chapter so far, but that first chapter was really great...Hence my real reason for this post.

Here is something I just read out of the book:

I have come to the conlusion
that the origin of the arts we are discussing
was nature itself and that the Master who taught us
was that divine light infused in us
by special grace, which has made us not only
superior to the animal creation,
but even, if one may say so,
like God Himself.

When I read that, I knew I liked the book. That last statement, that we are 'like God Himself', may be a provocative one, but it's true. When I read it, I got mental image of God putting his fingerprints on us as He creates us...Breathing the breath of life into each of us. Giving us a piece of Himself. We each God in us.

As I read, I could see my sister writing, or drawing, whichever, next to me. And I could sense the God in her. I could sense the God in me. I could sense that each and every human has the fingerprints of God all over them...That we each have the characteristics of God. This may sound new agey...You know, the whole, "God is everything" concept, but that's not what I'm getting at.

What I mean is that creativity is a godly characteristic. When we create something beautiful, we are following the example of god...When we love someone, we are also following God's example.

Great, isn't it?

Rejection and Pastry

Well, I didn't make it into Cheaper By The Dozen. And surprisingly, I'm not all that disappointed about it. I thought I would be, but I'm not. I think it's because about 73 kids auditioned, and there were only 16 parts...I saw some really good actors there who didn't make it, so I don't feel like that big of a loser. I just want to get up and try again...Maybe even start something myself, although that sounds like a big project at the moment.

You may have read this already if you read my blog regularly, but about a week ago I posted something about the movie Ratatouille and said that I thought I might want to consider a career in the Culinary Arts...Baking and Pastry, specifically (I like desserts!). So I started requesting information at Culinary Arts Schools everywhere from Houston to NYC...And I got something in the mail from the Art Institute of Houston the other day inviting me to an open house in the Culinary Arts department on August 4. I wanted to go, of course, but mom wanted me to call and find out if they were having another one anytime soon, just in case it didn't work out on such short notice.

So I did...the lady let me know first of all that they would probably have another Open House in October, but that we could also schedule a private open house and a tour. But man, she was a talker...She told me a LOT of stuff and asked a lot of questions ("We can also schedule you a tour of student housing...unless you want to stay with a relative or something in the area, student housing is where you can live"; "What made you want to get into Baking & Pastry?"; "What year will you be entering?"). I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it...I love friendly people...it was just kind of entertaining because she got in so much information in about three minutes:-)

Audition.

A few days ago, my mom, sister, brother, two friends and I went to see the play 'High School Musical. It was great...much better than the movie, in fact. So it really got me wanting to be in a play...I used to be involved in theater all the time, and I loved it. The atmosphere was great, and it was just something I really liked to do.

So I asked the lead actor in High School Musical if he knew of any upcoming auditions...And he told me that there was an audition for Cheaper By The Dozen about an hour away from where I live. He told me this this morning...and the auditions were TONIGHT!!!

I told mom about the audition, thinking it would be too much trouble to be in a play so far away, but she was all for the idea and took me, my sister, and my friend down the road, Bethany, to audition.

The audition was very interesting...it was so different than anything I've done before. At The Old Opera House, where I used to do plays, they would give you an audition sheet that was numbered, and you were supposed to go into a room with only a couple people watching you and read a part that they assign you beforehand. It was much more organized, and I like it better that way. The audition tonight, though, was very disorganized and...different. There was an auditorium with a lot of people, and they read scenes from a script, and you had to go onstage and stand in line to read for the part you wanted. They didn't ask you to do anything in particular at all...you just had to read for the part you wanted...it was so unusual...and then the director had each individual stand up onstage and she would just look at them, sizing them up...I guess she was taking notes on our appearance, and it was very unnerving, because it felt like everyone else in the place was doing the same ("I wonder if that cute guy over there notices my pudgy stomach!"). It was scary. It just felt weird, and the way I kind of just had to make it all happen for myself really threw me off...It was overwhelming.

I didn't do badly when I read...but I don't think I did any better than anyone else who read. Please pray that I get in, though...it's kind of important to me to be involved in something like this again. Actually, it's very important to me.

I should know by tomorrow morning, and the first read-thru is tomorrow night!

(So pray hard and fast!!! Hehe...)

This is Me Right Now

I feel like a fool
So I'm going to stop troubling you
Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
or God forbid die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you

- Tegan and Sara

Post Script - Don't worry about me. Just feeling a little nostalgic.

Ice Cream and Chai Cake

Recently, my mom, brother, sister and I went to West Virginia where we used to live for a two week visit. I had so much fun there, and we slid very well back into our old positions in our little circle of friends. I couldn't stand it the night we had to go...Couldn't take the thought of leaving WV again, so I decided that night, while laying in a dark room in a heap of some of my closest friends and listening to my best guy friend, Devan, play piano, that when I turned 18, I would come back to West Virginia and live there...maybe not forever, but at least for awhile.

It took me awhile to tell my mom about this plan, but when I did, she was less than thrilled. A lot less than thrilled.

This, to me, is one of the first signs that I'm really growing up. The fact that my mom actually took this plan seriously instead of waving it off as a phase that would pass really surprised me. She was actually upset about it...which could only mean that she believed me.

I decided that that was what I wanted to do, though. And so I put it in the back of my mind in the 'worry about it later' folder of the disorganized filing cabinet that serves as my brain. I am the kind of person that doesn't get excited or sad over something until it's looking at me right in the face. Apparently though, my mom isn't. It has been at the forefront of her mind, and stayed there, ever since I told her. And I didn't realize how much it bothered her until today.

We were watching Gilmore Girls today, and an episode came on about Rory (the seventeen year old daughter on the show) going off to Harvard, the school she has always wanted to attend. She is in her senior year of high school in this episode, and someone asks her mom, Lorelei, questions like, "What are you going to do with Rory's room when she leaves?" and it starts to hit Lorelei that Rory is really leaving soon...you can tell it's sort of a surprise of Lorelei, not because she didn't know it was coming, but because she didn't see it coming so fast!

Towards the end, my mom started tearing up and said, "Oh, I can't watch this episode!"

I asked her what was wrong, and she just shook her head and wouldn't tell me for a few minutes...

So when the show was done, she followed me into the dining room and hugged me, saying, "You can't go to Harvard!" (which, by the way, I'm not planning on...Harvard now, to mom, apparently represents any place that is more than five miles away from her).

She just cried and cried and wouldn't let go of me for a few minutes...and if I said, "I love you, Mom," it only made her cry even more. In the end, the only thing that resolved this sad issue was ice cream.

But I can tell that ice cream won't suffice for very long. Growing up is a sad thing. And a hard thing. I just hope it ends up being worthwhile.



Now for something a little bit happier to think about...A few days ago, after watching Ratatouille, I was looking through some cookbooks, and found a recipe for chai cake...

Now, if you know me, you know that you'll be hard pressed to find a thing that I love more than chai tea! I was so excited, I about had a seizure when I found this recipe!

So tonight I just randomly decided to make it.

It was good! Really good! We stayed up way late watching Gilmore Girls and eating Chai Cake...Boy was I a happy girl! lol

Ratatouille

I went to see Ratatouille yesterday...I've heard that a lot of people don't like this movie. They say it's stupid or dumb, or at least not as good as they had hoped for. Now, I don't know if this is because of my amazing ability to appreciate the idiotic things in life, or because it is set in Paris, France (a place I am dying to go), but I LOVED this movie!!! It was amazing...the feel of it was great, the animation good, the character's body language was quite humanlike (at least I think so), and it inspired me to cook something!!

I've been wondering about someday taking classes at a Culinary Arts School...I'd love to learn how to cook really well...everyone would want to be my friend! (Hehe) And I think with the right education, I might not be half bad at it. Besides, I think it's fun! My friend Devan came down to visit last November, and we decided oneday we wanted to make a fancy Italian dinner. So the next day we made this gourmet, absolutely delicious italian meal...I forget what it was called but it was just some of those curly noodles with a really really really good sauce over them! We also made these little italian doughnut thingies. (Okay, I just realized that if I'm going to be good at cooking, I should probably start remembering the names of these things! lol) But it was just really good, and Devan and I had a lot of fun.

Mutant Cake and Birthday Sentiments

Yesterday was my sister's birthday!

She turned 14 years old yesterday at 5 am something...before she woke up.

About a week before her birthday, I decided I wanted to make her a cake...I had taken a cake decorating class at a homeschool co'op a few years before, and had a cake decorating kit I'd gotten for Christmas that same year. So I started planning it out, and asked Kaitlyn what kind of cake she wanted and what she wanted on it, etc., etc...

What she described to me sounded like a mutant cake...it was so weird. She couldn't seem to get straight what she wanted for about a day, but what came out ended up really nice.

I must say, it's not the perfect Martha Stewart sort of thing I imagined, but it's definitely better than I thought I could do! Not to mention, it tasted alright, too...

The top left picture is of me with the cake. Duh.

The other is a picture of Kaitlyn yesterday with a piece of the cake (I took her to the schoolyard down the road for a picnic kind of thingy).

Now, in honor of a certain 14 year old, I want to say a few things about Kaitlyn.

From the beginning, Kaitlyn has always been somewhat quiet. More quiet than I am, at any rate, and less likely to tell you what's really on her mind. I remember when I was little, I used to look at this darling little sister and think, "Why doesn't she ever talk?"

She has also always had a moody streak. We have home video of she and I at Christmas one year. I reached out and tried to take a present she considered hers, and immediately, her natural defense mechanisms were put into motion...She scrunched up her face and strarted shrieking (through the barrier of her binky, I might add) at the top of her lungs!!!

She still has these characteristics today! They are two things I hate about her, and love about her at the same time.

We have always been good friends and playmates, but here in these past few years, Kaitlyn and I have become best friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way...She is always there to talk to me, and I can tell her just about anything. It's amazing to have someone so much like you and yet so very different at the same time to be your friend. It's amazing to have someone that you are so in sync with that sometimes, at a time when it would be inappropriate to laugh, you have to avoid looking at that person because you know that if you do, you will be able to tell by the look in their eyes that you both thought it was funny, and then there's no hope for you. You're going to laugh, and you're going to laugh hard. It's great to have someone who will say your thought aloud while you're still thinking it because you're so much on the same wavelength that you think the same things at the same time. It's great to have someone to laugh with when no one else thinks something is funny. It's great to have your own dorky inside jokes. It's great to watch chick flicks together. It's great to have someone to go dance in the rain with. It's great to have a sister.

People have always mistaken us for twins...and it's no wonder. We really are like twins born two years apart...it's amazing.

I love her so much, and I don't know what I would do without her.

Kaitlyn, you my rock, girl!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night to celebrate my sister's birthday.

The outing itself was just so much fun...We rode into the city singing along with all our teen angst music, then went to Pizza Hut, and Marble Slab Creamery...I love ice cream!!!

After that we headed over to the theater about an hour and a half early...which somehow turned out not to feel like too long of a wait...We got really good seats and my friend Bethany and I walked around the theater and hung out in the arcade for awhile.

The movie was spectacular...I liked it a lot. I do have a few complaints, though.

They left out SOOOO much stuff that was in the book. I think I can understand why, because the book was very long, and the movie was already 2 1/2 hours long without all the extra stuff, but still...there were a few things that I was really looking forward to seeing! Also, the scenes were very short, and things did not happen in the same order that they happened in the book. They did not go into much detail about certain things that I would like to be more clear - at least as clear as it was in the book; Some characters were not nearly as developed in the movie as they were in the book, which I disliked. Like I said, though, I really appreciated the movie as a movie by itself and as part of the movie series.

I still love the twins, Fred and George. So many of the people have changed so much in the movies! Their appearance for the most part. Fred and George have changed a lot...Professor Lupin has changed slightly.

I can't really say anything else because I would probably end up giving away something about the movie...but trust me, it was good!

I really love the character's clothes...I know it sounds strange, but I have an obsession with winter clothes and hats and scarves and sweaters and such. I love the 'London style' as I refer to it, and they have a lot of that in the movie.

Something else I liked in the movie is that one of the professors gave open examples of how things often are in public school. This person said something along the lines of, "You will know enough to pass your exams, which, after all, is what school is all about!" When she said that my mom and I looked at each other and shared a silent giggle, because it's something we talk about and observe a lot. It's so true! In today's public school system, that is so often the way people think of it. You don't need to know it if it's not on the test, right?

So right now, as far as the movies go...I think I'm torn between the fourth and fifth. There's something about the fourth that I just really liked...No idea why...there were so many cute guys in that one, but I think it also just brings back some good memories. I went to see that with a big group of my friends in West Virginia after rehearsal for a play. It was grand! (Did I just say grand? How peculiar...Hehe!)

I can't WAIT for the sixth to come out. The book was amazing. The fifth book was pretty good, but when the sixth movie comes out, I'm throwing a party!!!

Shaving Cream, and The Great Yellow Woodbee

This morning, while I was literally still asleep and in the middle of my dreams, I found myself on my feet and yelling, "What's wrong with you???"The reason? I've been staying at my cousin's house for the past five days or so, and this morning, my 20 year old cousin, Caleb, snuck into the room where my sister and I were sleeping and squirted shaving cream in our hair. It was quite a brutal wake up call...But I think the reason I reacted so dramatically is because what he did was somehow incorporated into my dream...I don't remember how, but for some reason it made the shaving cream incident worse than it really was in my mind, lol...

The next thing I heard was his mega-deep voice saying, "I didn't mean to make you mad." The first thing that came to my mind when he said that was, 'WELL WHAT DID YOU INTEND TO DO??? MAKE ME HAPPY???"

I found the incident a tad more humorous when I became more awake...and my Aunt informed me that that morning he had been telling her he wanted to say goodbye and that he was going to miss us when we left later on that day. I guess shaving cream was his way of waking us up to say goodbye without making the whole thing too mushy...But come on, Caleb...couldn't you think of any other creative ways to wake us up without making us want to murder you? lol

My male cousins are very mischevious, and both of them lack impulse control. They are SO much fun to be around (although they can be very irritating at times). Last time we visited, my cousin Austin (my age, 16) ran down the road with my underwear, and then made up a story about how he accidentally got them stuck in a tree! Then the other day, while we were on a walk, Caleb pulled up in his car, and six kids (five of whom were growing teenagers) piled into his car. Of course, I only got in the car on the condition that he would take us right home, because we couldn't wear seat belts. But nooooo...In spite of my incessant protesting, he kidnapped us and took us to the side of a cliff. Yeah. A cliff. Of course, there was a beautiful view, but the end only barely justified the means!

Geez. They're something else.

On the way home today, I got even worse of a start when we were riding home, singing along with happy songs on the radio, and suddenly out of nowhere a small yellow plane flies down UNDER the power line, and dips down about five to ten feet above the road right in front of us! No joke! It was the weirdest thing ever...We all screamed!

THEN we looked up in the sky and saw it coming back towards us! That was freaky! I was like, "STEP ON IT! BEFORE THE AIRPLANE ATTACKS US AGAIN!!!"

Can you believe it? An airplane of all things. We almost had a car accident. With an airplane.

Now not many people can say that.

What You See is NOT What You Get (Rant)

Recently I've had a 'friend' that has/had a crush on me say, "What you see is what you get with me. No secrets." He would say this whenever I told him I didn't know him well enough to go out with him, and I just wanted to get to know him better.

This annoyed me for two reasons.

1) It was like he was trying to convince me to go out with him even though I told him I wanted to get to know him better. I just wanted to say, 'I said no. I said I wanted to get to know you better. That's that.'

2) That is not true. Not with him, and not with anybody. Ever.

I am a pretty real and upfront person. Of course I will go heavy on the sugar if I'm trying to make a good impression, and yes, I can be sort of a chameleon, changing the way I act with different people...however, I do this no more than any other person. I really do try to be the same person around everyone, even if little things change.

BUT no matter how 'real' I am, that doesn't change the fact that you might like me a lot when you first meet me, thinking you know me, then really get to know me and realize I'm a completely different person than you thought I was. Capisce? You can never really know anybody by meeting them once, and unless you're talking about a complete idiot with no depth or personality whatsoever, what you see is NEVER what you get. If that were true, then what you knew about a person would be defined by what kind of clothes they wore, what kind of haircut they had, their dimples, their freckles, and their eye color. I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

This guy doesn't seem to understand that there are more important things than how someone first appears. ANYONE can make a good impression for a couple of weeks or a month or even years! That's why it's best to get to know someone in all different kinds of settings so you can see what kind of person they really are in all situations. I can't meet someone and take a look at them and know about their deepest heartache or their worst experiences or their dreams or life goals or happiest moments or beliefs and convictions! What you see is NOT what you get. It is NEVER what you get.

Often someone that looks like an idiot you would never want to associate with can turn out to be quite smart and have real opinions about things. You just have to spend time getting to know them and talking to them. These are things you learn about a person only through time and friendship. I don't see how anyone could be shallow enough to say something like, 'What you see is what you get.' I understand the principal behind it, and I might use that phrase about somebody else sometimes, because I know some people that are just nice enough that it really would apply to them (even though it's not entirely true) for the most part; Because they are just nice people. But to say it about yourself to get someone to go out with you is just awful.

And just to let you know...The guy that said that initially proved my point. I thought he was a really nice guy at first and didn't want to hurt his feelings. In fact, I thought he was so nice that I really considered saying yes. But I'm so glad I didn't. I stuck to my resolution to get to know him better, and in spite of what he said, after some time, his real colors started to show, and he's not nearly as nice as I thought he was.

So yeah. What you see is NEVER what you get with anyone. People can be married for years and still not know each other completely. Every once in awhile my dad will tell us about something that happened to him and my mom will go, "Really? I didn't know that." They've known each other for nineteen years and still don't know everything there is to know about each other! How can they? We don't even know ourselves completely. The only one who can know us completely is God.

The Mudhole

I have been going through a very confusing, hard time lately.

I feel heartbroken over things that happened a long time ago. I'm feeling things I thought I would never feel again...Things I was doing such a good job at warding off. I've become SUCH a happy person. I mean genuinely happy. And SO hopeful. I have so much hope for the future. But in these past few days I've just been so sad and sluggish. I finally let all these negative feelings catch up with me, and trust me, it stinks. A lot.

I think the reason I've been so vulnerable to these feelings lately is that I'm further away from God than I have been in a long while. I don't know exactly the cause. But I feel so distracted...so unwilling to surrender. It's like there's an anti-Kendra forcefield around my Bible. I'm not kidding.

But you know what's weird? It's that I feel SO far from God, and yet I feel Him so close to me at the same time. I feel like I'm sitting in a mudhole. Tired of seeking God out. Opting instead for the pit of my own self-pity; And yet instead of running further away, telling me to get back up and chase Him even though I'm exhausted, God stops, sits down in the mud with me, and starts to teach me. He starts to talk to me, and tell me things about Himself. I never lift my head. Never let Him know that I'm listening. But He knows I am, and so He keeps teaching. Keeps talking. And I keep learning.

I love God so much. He's amazing. I wish I didn't feel so washed out.

Some Speculations About Having a 'Love Life'

1. You can be perfectly happy, positive, and content with the way things are, and then suddenly, BAM!!!! You have a love life.

2. You do not have to have a 'significant other' in order to have a love life. In fact, now that I think of it, you don't even need to LIKE anyone in order to have a love life. All that is required for you to have a love life is for someone to like you!

3. They're like car accidents. They're awful, sometimes hurt you very badly, and happen out of nowhere.

4. It's better not to have one. Especially at my age. 'Love' is too complicated.

5. No matter whether you LIKE having one or not, you are strangely drawn and sucked into them. It really stinks.

These are things I have recently learned. I did not do anything to have a love life, and yet suddenly, where before there was chai tea, Christmas and jazz, there are just too many thoughts. Too much drama. I wish I didn't have to worry about it, but I feel like I've been launched into the game and there's no way to get out...

Grr.

So If You're Lonely, Why'd You Say You're Not Lonely? (The Sequel/Followup)

If you scroll down and read my post, 'So If You're Lonely, Why'd You Say You're Not Lonely', you'll find that while it is very sweet, it is also very idealistic...Which actually reflects quite well on who I really am. An idealist. But maybe that's just because I'm young and I think I have it all figured out.

Recently I've realized that while what I said in that entry was very right and accurate and I should follow my own advice, it's not as easy as it looks. Not at all. I wrote that entry under the impression that it would be a breeze to open up and share my feelings...that there was nothing stopping me but myself. And in a sense I was right. But really, there are so many reasons for not saying what's on your mind, and the biggest one is usually that you're afraid. Afraid of what will happen if you let the truth come out. Afraid of what your words could do. Doesn't the Bible say that the tongue is a double-edged sword? I guess when I wrote that entry, I thought people who wouldn't open up were wimps and had no real reason to hide...but since then I've become one of those wimps, and I've realized that opening up puts you in a very vulnerable position.

Recently I've had many more opportunities to share my feelings, and this is because someone has feelings for me. At first it was flattering, but now it's become quite overwhelming. There's something about having the power to break someone's heart that just terrifies me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. For the past year, I've become very used to being in the background. I like being able to just live my life and none of my actions having any effect on those around me, because none of them have really cared that much about what I thought about them until now, you know? I don't know how to put into words what I'm thinking...But I don't like being too close for comfort, and I don't like people feeling too close to me...at least not in a romantic way. I'm sure oneday I'll want that with the right guy, but right now I'm just not ready! I guess you could say I've gotten used to keeping people at arms distance since my family decided we were going to move. I don't know how to accurately convey what I'm feeling, but I do know that I wouldn't be able to do it even this well unless it were on the internet.

Today this certain person that has feelings for me suggested we go outside and sit on the porch together. I knew, considering the fact that I don't want any romantic involvement right now that it would be a bad idea, but I decided to go anyway. I sat there on the swing next to him, thinking intensely about all the things I need to tell him...a million things were going through my head, and a million things were wrong. Suddenly he asked, "Is everything alright?" (He's not a dumb guy at all).

I looked at him, wondering if I should just tell him what was on my mind. But guess what? I was afraid. So I gave him a weak nod and an, "Mm hm." And left it at that.

"Okay," he said. "Just checking."

I felt stupid afterwards...thinking about how I should have just told him what was on my mind. How I should have lived up to my own high standards. But I guess those standards are a LOT harder to live up to than I thought.

Hair.

Hey everyone...

I have had a great last couple of days. My Uncle Brent came to visit for the weekend on Thursday, and we've been having a lot of fun with him...He provides great conversations, and lots of opportunities for artistic growth. He's an artist himself, and a pretty good musician...These are both things I'm interested in, so yesterday we focused on the piano for awhile, and today he sat down with us and taught us a drawing technique. It's really cool to have him around:-)

Yesterday we went to our co'op's End of the Year program. I was picked a few days ago to go up on stage and give a speech. I gave a speech that was based on my true beauty essay a few posts down. People liked it...I prayed and God gave me peace and I was able to deliver it without melting, hehe...

Guess what I did today??? I cut/trimmed my own hair!!! There was something very liberating about it...If you guys know me, you know that I have a lot of beliefs. One of my beliefs is that most things about our society are designed to condition us to be obedient. To follow orders without question, and not ever do things ourselves, or even try. So for a couple weeks I've been looking at my hair thinking, "Geez, I really need to get this trimmed..." And so after my shower today, I just did it myself. It was so cool! I know this is going to sound juvenile, but it was like I was saying, "See? I can do things myself...I don't have to pay $20 for a haircut! You're NOT going to force me into submission!!!" (To who was I saying this to? I don't know. Everyone I guess.) Or maybe I was just in an experimental mood, lol...Because later on I ran red marker along the ends of my hair. It looks pretty good, if you ask me...

So yeah, that's what's been going on lately. Rebellion in the smallest form.

So If You're Lonely, Why'd You Say You're Not Lonely?

Why do humans have to make things so complicated? I don't think anyone can deny that it's human nature to complicate things that do not need to be complicated.
If we are upset and someone asks us about it, usually our first response is, "I'm fine." We don't want anyone to know that there's anything wrong...Ever. Why? I'm not saying we should all become emotional basketcases and get upset all the time and make sure everyone knows about it...that's not pleasant, either.
But why do we have to lie? Is it because we don't want to expose our vulnerabilities? Are we embarrassed that we even have them? EVERYONE has vulnerabilities.
The other night at youth group, I almost didn't share something that was going on in my life because it's the natural thing to do to just act like everything's alright. We can never let things get too serious. We always have to be happy, and no one can ever know about our secret sorrows or the things that cause us pain.
I was talking to my friend about this in relation to love the other day. Here is something he said:
"When a child likes someone, he picks her a flower, brings it to her, and says, 'I like you', and she says, 'I like you too.' It's simple. The Bible says to approach the kingdom of God as children...I think He meant for us to approach life that way, too."
I really like that idea. Why can't we just admit it when we like or love someone? I love the beautiful simplicity of it...
Telling someone about your feelings for them. What a novel idea.
Okay, so maybe it's not the right time or place or anything like that...maybe God is saying to wait. That's fine. But still, why does it have to be so complicated? Does love have to be something we're all ashamed of and try to cover up?
Does emotion itself have to be something we're ashamed of? Everyone has feelings...so why are we embarrassed by them?

It reminds me of the song, 'Stained Glass Masquerade' -

"Are we happy plastic people under a shiny plastic steeple - with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain..."

That's just a part of that song (which is magnificent by the way), but it's amazing. Why do we feel the need to be happy all the time? To be plastic and predictable...to never feel hurt?
Just think about the things you do...instead of automatically excluding the idea of simplicity, think about WHY you won't allow yourself to do a certain thing...Is God actually saying this or that, or is it just your human nature complicating things and shutting people out?
Anyway...I think I've made my point by now. I'm tired. That means rambling.
Goodnight!!!

You Mean the World to Me

The only reason I got up as early as I did yesterday morning was because my mom woke me up saying, "We have warm blueberry muffins in the kitchen!"
My sister and I stumbled out into the kitchen and sat at the island eating our muffins sleepily.
That's when my dad came up beheind us and started hugging us, and said, "I love you girls."
Then he stood up and stood across from us on the other side of the island. "I love you girls a lot," he said. "Well, a little anyway," he teased. Then smiling, "No really, I love you girls a lot. And I want you to guard your...what's the word...What's that word, Julie?" When he said this, he reminded me of my Papa, who always wanted the right word. Even when he had a brain tumor and he couldn't remember any word he wanted, he always wanted his speech to be perfect, and apologized incessantly when he couldn't find the right word.
"Innocence?" Mom suggested.
"Yeah that..." he said. "And also your...virtue." I could tell he was 'settling' by using the word virtue, because he couldn't find the right one. "So I got you girls something to remind you." Just then he pulled out two beautiful little jewelry boxes. The one he laid in front of me was pastel blue with a pretty little blue ribbon tied around it. My sister's was the same except it was light pink instead. We opened the boxes, and in mine was a silver necklace with a silver heart shaped charm on the end of it, which had a keyhole in the middle and pink little stones aroud the edge. Next to it was a key, which also had pink stones on it. My sister's was the same, except that it had light purple stones.
"Now I want you girls to keep these necklaces," he said. "And I'm going to keep the key, and on your wedding day, I'm going to give the key to your husband."
Then he put the necklaces on us himself. Now this was truly an effort for him, because as my mom describes it, it's like he 'has big toes for fingers'. =D
My sister and I were awestruck...Not that we don't think our dad loves us...It's just that he has a unique love language. He shows us he loves us by giving to us, and by talking to us. He tells us he loves us as well, but just the fact that he would put so much thought and romance into something like this was amazing.
I truly appreciate this gift...It is a wonderful one, because he didn't just shove some necklaces at us and have it be a gift...He showed us that he truly loved us with a gift that had more substance than material worth. I will always keep this necklace and wear it as often as possible...I will always keep this memory treasured in my heart...and if my Dad leaves this earth before Jesus comes back (and for that matter, if he leaves it before I do) I will always have that memory and the knowledge that he loves me. I hope I can give him a gift someday with as much worth as that.
I love you so much, Daddy! Thank you!

PS - He eventually found the word he wanted. It was 'purity'=D

Goodbye, Goodbye

I think I have posted things about this before, but what the heck.
I am sad right now. I'm listening to 'Photograph' by Nickelback. It's a good song (or I think it's a good song at least, Devan), but every time I listen to it, it just reminds me of what I've lost...It reminds me that I have to grow older, and that things have already changed radically, and they will just keep changing from here on out.

This is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up

When we visited WV in November, we drove by our old house just about the first day we were there. In just six months, it had already changed so much...not in a bad way, but it was just different. I found it amazing that it wasn't MY house anymore. We couldn't just pull up in the driveway, get out, bring our friends out to the trampoline or unload groceries.
It's not our house. And it looks smaller than it used to.

Remember the old arcade
blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down

Bad things happen. Places change. Last summer while I was living in an apartment here in Texas, I was talking to my friend from WV on the phone, and they told me that Berkeley Plaza, the theater we used to always go to with friends, had burnt down. It just makes you realize that even if things stay the same in your memory, and no matter how sacred a place may be to you, it will always be developed and redeveloped. Things will be torn down...accidents will happen. And things don't stay the same.

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we'd know

I remember belting it out with friends in the backseat...on the way home from a concert, listening to rock music, two of my friends chattering away like the hyper baffoons that they are, and me about to fall asleep...On the way home from summer camp, singing "The Song that Doesn't End" till the adults wanted to kill us. My friends telling me I should audition for American Idol. Always planning to start a rock band, but never actually starting one. Listening to Justin and Dillon and Cody and Devan play in the band, belting out songs about inside jokes and chicken nuggets...
Having one last dance.

Kim's the First Girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since God knows when

I remember the first time I felt like I was in love with a boy. At the drive in I sat out on the grass on a blanket while it rained...Even though everyone else was huddled in their cars, he came out with an umbrella and sat next to me while we watched a very kissy movie...I was so nervous sitting next to him with that blanket pulled up around my ears. I was completely stiff. I didn't want him to see me blushing during the kissing parts. We both just sat still, and didn't say much to each other. I didn't know he liked me then, but by the end of the summer, we were a couple.
We kissed for the first time at his 14th birthday party around a bonfire. It was the first time I had ever kissed anyone.
Things didn't work out between us, obviously. This is going to sound quite pessimistic, but I'd bet that we will both grow up, get married to other people, and have kids...
I don't like him anymore, but I'll never forget him.

I couldn't. You don't forget your first true friends...your first love...your first kiss, or your first hometown. You don't forget the places that meant something to you. The places you spent time with your friends. You just don't forget things like that.
It's painful right now, remembering it, and knowing that while I may have more joy ahead of me, and I'm still in the golden years, that chapter of my life is closed.
Forever.
I will still keep contact with some of my friends...there are some friends that I want to stay close to until I die, no matter where I live. But I live in a different place now. People die. Buildings burn down. Couples break up. People move away. Things change.
I hope I don't depress any of you with this. That wasn't my intention. I love you guys!!! I'm just pondering some things...

It's hard to say
It's time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

Beauty

When you're a little girl, no one has to tell you you're beautiful. You know it. It's a part of who you are. I remember when I was little, I would play around and pretend I was a princess and any old boy that came along could be my prince. If I recall correctly, I also thought I was pretty darn gorgeous. Basically I was a little party girl, and we have pictures to prove it.

Somewhere along the line, that changes. You get older and more self-conscious...then your first real crush decides he doesn't like you and calls you a freak. Suddenly you're unbeautiful, and you feel lost. You want to know what beauty is and how you can achieve it. You want to know how you spent your whole life never knowing you were a hideous pig that no one liked.

That's when American culture swoops in on its vulnerable prey. It offers you a solution to your 'ugly' problem. "If you're slim enough, he'll like you!" "If you buy this makeup, you'll be pretty!" "If you wear this type of clothes, he'll want to go out with you!" You buy into it, not knowing that beauty cannot be defined, and even if you look like Angelina Jolie, not everyone is going to faint in your presence.

You want to be pretty, so you do whatever you can. Even if that means starving yourself or throwing up your food after you're done eating it, or popping dietting pills.

It doesn't end there, either.

You have to match up the color of your eyes to the color of eyeshadow that would best bring out the color. You have to find the right top for the kind of top to go with your body shape ('Are you slim, pear shaped, or curvy?'). You have to go to the store and buy a tshirt, just HOPING that it doesn't show up in TeenPeople on a 'What Not to Wear' list. And because beauty is based on perception, one person might say purple goes best with green eyes, and someone else might say blue. What are you to do then? Geez-o-pete, that's a catastrophe...You mean there isn't a set answer for these kinds of things??? Is it purple or blue, come on people!!!

Did you know that in the early 1900s, it was considered beautiful to be of larger size? Yeah, that's right, LARGER size. Things changed in maybe the 20s, when you were supposed to have a sort of boyish figure. Then came Marilyn Monroe...Suddenly 'big' isn't so bad anymore. You have to have boobs, like her. And in order to have boobs, you have to have a little meat on your bones. You know what the standard is now? A mixture of both. It's 'beautiful' to not only have huge boobs, but a really tiny body. Good lord, how are people supposed to keep up???

You want to know something even more 'bizarre'? I was reading in a magazine the other day that in some country in Africa, it's considered beautiful to color your teeth black and put a big clay disc in your bottom lip. No lies.

Want to know something else? Did you know that if a woman had a neck as small as Barbie's, it wouldn't be strong enough to hold up her neck? If she had a waist as small as Barbie's, it wouldn't be strong enough to support her huge chest? And if someone had feet as small as Barbie's they wouldn't be able to walk?

The point of all this? Beauty is based on perception. If a guy doesn't like you for who you are, who cares? Find someone that does, but always be yourself. Someday, someone's going to come along that things you're the most gorgeous thing on the planet, no matter how much you weigh or what your hair looks like or what kind of clothes you wear. Why would you want to miss him because you're too busy barfing up your lunch for Mr. Arrogant???

"Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder."

God: Male or Female?

I was just talking to a woman who said that God is a male and that anyone who thinks differently is not thinking straight. I think that is VERY narrow minded.
Now I know, people may say the same thing about me simply for believing there is only one way to God...but I believe that because the Bible says that Jesus is the only way to the Father.
Now listen...I don't believe that God is a woman, either. I believe that He is neither. He is above gender, because He created gender. When you are born, you are born male or female because of your sex organs. God was never born...He has always been and always will be. And I'm sorry to be crude, but are we trying to say that God has what we use to identify whether a being is male or female? Think about how silly that is. He's God. He is the one that created man...He is NOT a man! He is the one that created woman...He is NOT a woman! He is above all that.
We need to once and for all STOP bringing God down to our level. Stop seeing Him as one of us. He is above all of that. He is mind-boggling and impossible to understand. So STOP trying to understand Him and just LOVE Him!
A quick note: Yes, I know that we call God our Father. I believe that God has more masculine qualities, and I believe God gives Himself a masculine persona in the Bible and calls Himself Father so that it will be easier for us to understand...but these things are beyond our comprehension, and we need to realize that. I think that Wisdom is realizing that you don't know anything. Another reason I believe God calls Himself our Father is so that we will come to see ourselves as His children, and see His loving arms as a place of safety, the way we do our earthly fathers.
I hope no one is offended by this blog. Disagree with me if you want...I'll still be your friend, and I hope you'll still be mine...but don't tell me I'm not thinking straight if I don't agree. If I have ever done anything like this to any of you, I'm sorry. I never want to treat anyone as inferior to me for not believing the same way I do. I think I have done this inadvertently before, and I feel terrible about it...Please forgive me!

God Cannot Be Defined

I have a confession to make.
I am confused about God and His character.
I know a few solid things about Him...He is faithful. He is good. He is all-powerful. But what is He?
Just when I think He is something, He becomes everything, and I struggle to understand how and why and where from.
It is evident from looking at the world around us and everything He has created that He is very diverse, with many different angles and aspects and parts of Him...But God cannot be just one personality, because if he were, He couldn't have created all the personalities we see today.
So if He is not just one thing, what is He? How do you describe God?
He is not a concept, and yet He created concept.
He is not a human, and yet saying He is a spirit gives Him limits, which is not possible.
That's just what I am trying to say...There is no way to limit God, and that is exactly what it is to describe someone or give them a label. Limit them. Put them in a box and expect only certain things from them. It does not work on the God of the Universe - the God of things beyond the limits of the Universe - the God of things we do not know.
He is the God of intellectuals and eccentrics and little old church ladies and boy-crazy teenage girls and girl-crazy teenage boys and missionaries and pastors andn terrorists and rapists - and He made them all and loves them all. They are all so different, and yet He is the God of them all.
I guess one of my biggest issues about God is the fact that He doesn't hate or even dislike any person. I am a loving person, and I don't hate anyone, yet I will admit that there are people I cannot stnad or that are very very different from myself. How can God relate to all of them as He relates to me? Everyone has someone or some type of person that they don't like. Some lifestyle that drives them nuts. How can God be my God and yet be the God of Margaret, who lives in a nudist colony and eats only sushi? How?
I constantly bring God down to my level and ask Him to explain Himself, and yet He never does...I don't have to understand, I just have to trust, and I guess that's where my problem is. I keep trying to understand Him instead of trust Him. I want to give Him an exact definition - I want to be able to give the answer to Who, What, When Where, and Why. I want Him to be small enough for me to comprehend - the way I comprehend my siblings and develop certain tactics that I know will work on each of them. How do I trick one who is omnicient? How do I have the advantage over the God who knows all things - including my heart and mind and the depths of my soul and my deepest longings - the things I don't care to admit are even a part of me - my past, present, and future - Not only the me that I believe I can define, but the me that lies beneath the surface - the me which I do not know and the me that would frighten me if I knew she were even there?
Who?
What?
When?
Where?
Why?
How do you pinpoint Him that has no beginning?
I think many of the things we know about God (such as the fact that 'He' is a 'Him') are the things that God allows us to believe because we are so limited by language, He allows us to call Him 'He' and gives Himself a name ('God') because He knows we will ask the little questions I am asking now. "If God is not a man and He is not a woman, what is He? And what should we call Him when we talk about Him, if not 'he' or 'she'?" And, "What do we call Him?"
He knows that it would blow our little minds if He revealed what He is, or even if He gave us a new set of terms to define Him that are different from the specifications we use to describe whether a being is male or female.
The more I ponder these things, the more I realize that it is impossible to define God. As I said earlier, to define or label someone is to limit them. We can try to define God as much as we want to, but One such as Him cannot be confined by such things. He cannot be confined by anything!!! Humans torture each other with labels and definitions and political correctness and limitations and laws and social rankings...But God is not human. He made us and therefore we submit to Him, He does not submit to us.
It is stupid enough for us to place these limitations on ourselves and each other, but GOD??? Submitting to a HUMAN standard? Give me a break.

New Blog!!!

In the book "Boy Meets Girl - Say hello to Courtship!", Joshua Harris (the author) shows three 'tricks' humans use to make themselves feel innocent, like they are somehow worthy of God's forgiveness instead of accepting the simple truth that they are evil down to the very core, and that the only way they are forgiven is through Christ and His sacrifice.

1. Minimizing Sin - People love to minimize their sin. Laugh it off...say they were 'wild' when they were young instead of that they were sinful. Make it seem so trivial that it seems like it's no wonder God forgave it.
2. Ignoring Holiness - This is when people bring God down to their level. You know...Act like God is as tolerant of sin as we are. Like God is laughing with us when we laugh off sin. Sin is sin. 1 Peter 1:15-16 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, "You must be holy because I am holy." (NLT)
3. Living Self-Righteously - This is the 'guilt remover' I am most guilty of. After the mistakes I've made in my past, I became close to God and vowed that I would never do those things again. I became very holy in my own eyes - I saw myself as the 'good kid' that most adults make me out to be. The one who would never do anything wrong. I loved that title and wore it proudly, sometimes even talking self-righteously to my friends that did things I did not approve of, or that I knew God wouldn't approve of. I don't believe it is a bad thing to know that something is wrong, but to act like you are 'above' someone else because they do something wrong is also WRONG!!! I guess for some reason I thought that because I was a good girl when I wasn't being tempted, I was completely capable of being a good girl all the time. Well, I was wrong. I still can't pinpoint a major sin, but lately I have been sinking back into some of my old habits, and I have known that I was wrong to do them. "Who I am hate who I've been" has become my theme song, and because of that, I have started to not only hate what I've been, but love what I become, and I shouldn't.

I thank God for this reality check. He has showed me to never love myself, because I will ALWAYS be a sinner...not a sinner who miraculously re-earned her spot in God's Kingdom, but a sinner to whom the miraculous gift of Grace has been given.

Now I want to put in an excerpt from 'Boy Meets Girl', which is actually an excerpt from another book, called 'When God Weeps', by Steven Estes and Joni Eareckson Tada. This is amazing guys...don't stop reading.

The face that Moses had begged to see - was forbidden to see - was slapped bloody (Exodus 33:19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around his own brow....

"On your back with you!" One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier's heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do "all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17). The victim wills that the soldier live on - he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.

As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm - the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless - the nerves perform exquisitely. "Up you go!" The lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor begins to waft, not around his nose, but His heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being - the living excrement from our souls. The apple of His Father's eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face His father like this! From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes His mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped - murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten - fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk - you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp - buying politicians, pracitcing exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves - relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?"

Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.

The Father watches as His heart's treasure, the mirror image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

"Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!"

But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.

The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom He loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied. The Rescue was accomplished.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

I recently finished reading 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye'.
It was God that initially asked me to read it, but He asked me through my friends.
Three of them mentioned the book, (singing its praises) within a few weeks! I took this is as a hint from God that He might want me to read it, and so one morning I sat down to read it and couldn't put it down. I finally forced myself to so that I could do my chores, and I walked out into the kitchen to my mom yelling, "Kendra! I kissed dating goodbye is on the radio!!!" What she meant was that they were re-airing a radio interview with the author of the book!
I couldn't believe it!!! I had JUST been reading it...On top of all my friends recommending it, now THIS???
Of course, I read it within a week, and I loved it.
It emphasizes Courtship, which according to Joshua Harris, is a time for a 'couple' to deepen their friendship, grow in the Lord together, see how they react together as a couple, and test the possibility of marriage.
Now that may sound very serious, and I guess it is.
Joshua Harris says in the book that you shouldn't pursue a romantic relationship unless you're ready to get married.
At first that sound threatening, and I didn't receive it well at first. But thinking about it some more, I think it really is quite an inspirational statement. I mean, it makes you WANT to be ready for marriage, and so it motivates you to treat others with more kindness, respect, and love. It also motivates you to become more efficient as far as running a household. I hate chores just like everyone else, but now I see a purpose in them...I'm preparing myself for the day when I run a household of my own!
I've also realized that if I'm going to be ready to be married, I need to have a firm foundation in Christ. I love Jesus, but I am not as devoted as I ought to be.
It's just a spectacular book, and if you are a teenager, you ought to read it...it's excellent.
I really believe (especially since God so obviously shoved it in my face) that He wants me to follow the concepts introduced in the book...and I am willing.
Now I'm reading, "Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship!"
Do you want to know something? While we're on the subject of marriage and all that good stuff, I just think I ought to share that I've NEVER had a good dream about getting married. Never. At least not to my knowledge. In all of them, I'm scared to death, or wanting to run away, or calling off the wedding. It's awful!

Hello Everyone!

Hey Guys! My name is Kendra. Right now, I'm almost sixteen years old.
I am a Christian...That is the most important thing about me. My God is everything, and I love Him so much! I screw up WAY too much, but He always forgives me, and He picks me up, and He helps me do so much better than I could possibly dream of doing on my own. He's blessed me beyond imagination, and I love Him for it!!!
Besides that, even if He never blesses me again, He sent His son to die for me...Isn't that enough?
I am into the arts. That's not to say I'm any good at them! I like to write, draw, play piano, sing, act, and just make things! I love to use my abilities and skills for God's glory. I don't do it nearly as often as I ought to, but when I get up onstage to sing, and I ask Him to work through me, He answers my prayers in flying colors...I sound better than I would if I just did it for fun.
There's so much more I want to say, but right now my family is watching, "I Love Lucy", and I want to go watch it with them...so...
BYE!